03/09/2015

The Daily Chatter*

03/09/2015

I took it upon myself to write Matt's Bio for the wedding because I just don't think he'll get around to it.
When I'm not installing flooring and feeding the homeless on my lunch break, you will probably find me in a busy Seattle bar preaching to the masses. Over the last few years I haven't cut my hair because people tell me I look like Jesus (most refer to me as surfer Jesus though) and because I'm cheap, while Jesus would have drank wine, I for some reason really enjoy Pabst. I have two beautiful children; a son and a daughter, both of whom will be graduating from Harvard this year way ahead of schedule. My wife of 16 years was recently abducted by the North Korean government and it is believed that they took her for her hair and makeup expertise for Kim Jong-Un. While she has been gone I have passed the time with becoming deeply involved in being an activist on human trafficking and have also starred in a movie, that co-stars Michael Pitt, that still has yet to be released.

I know I'm spoiling the surprise but this is what Tim wants for his bio (and he has already edited it).

Director of all directors

Handsome devil

Whitty

Nerf gun Sniper extroidinare

Hates kids

Loves donuts

Spam makes me puke

Tim I have revised your bio:

Hello I'm Tim, I'm the handsome devil that Bill picked to be a groomsman. I am married to the most amazing woman in the world and have three grown a$$ kids. I know you probably have heard me say that I don't like kids  but someone has to take care of me when I get older (at least that's my plan). (Don't tell anyone but I have a picture of my adorable grand daughter on my desktop at work.)

Currently I am in the process of moving, although I have not listed my home for sale yet (because somehow I think that my wit will save me and sell my home by itself ) and I have single handily kicked my baby princess out of my home so that I can move next to my son and practice my sweet Nerf gun skills. If you see me around don't be afraid to feed me,  I love: Donuts, Dilly Bars, DQ Ice Cream Cakes, Caveman BBQ, hamburgers and radishes (but not too many because they have done things to my insides that no one needs to see or smell ...) and also don't feed me Spam because that's just insulting.

 

Toni didn't know where to look when he was getting his tux fitted over the weekend. He said the woman had the lowest cut shirt so of course her boobs were hanging out and Nikki was standing right next to him starring right through his soul.

I wonder if the boobs lady did Toni's fitting the correct way? "First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear"

"If I can get Matt to wear a shirt, I'm doing pretty well." Bill

I think Rodney was disappointed to hear that Roxanne is getting married in 67 days.

Roger said Dot wanted him to make the whole bio about her for the wedding.

Matt's Frown Face got married over the weekend.

"The Millers" were cancelled, I'm shocked!

Somehow I missed Roger's facts about himself and I thought he was lying to me again when he said he sent it last night.

"One of the following statements is false.  The rest of them are 100% true.

•  I’ve been to Guam over 40 times.  This I believe is True, he had to escape his ex-wife

• On one eventful day during the summer of 2000 I woke up in Florida, witnessed a Space Shuttle Launch, and then attended a bull fight later that evening in Caracas, Venezuela.  This could quite possibly be true, it is only a 2.5 hour flight
• Every single time I walk down a flight of stairs I imagine that I’m going to fall.  This is most likely to be true, Roger has a bunch of phobia's
• I miss Vance.  This of course is True
• In 1974 I spent the night in a Massachusetts jail for vagrancy.   He was 21, I would have thought that the charge would have been for stealing clothes from Elton John's closet though.
• In 2012 I embezzled $32,500 from A F.  That's where that money went, definitely true.
• In my third most recent past life I gave an extra theatre ticket that I had to John Wilkes Booth.  This is false, John Wilkes Booth was an actor so he didn't need Roger's stinking theater ticket
• Since I started my first job in 1965 no boss has ever “had my back” more than Bill and Mary and for that I am appreciative beyond words."   This is true and Roger's a suck-up

 We need Quokka's here, they are adorable, this has been the latest rage in Australia to take a selfie with.

*not to be construed as Gossip