01/30/2015

The Daily Chatter*

01/30/2015

"F*ck Toni." Steve

"I hate knowing everything." Steve

"I'm pretty much a genius." Steve to Matt   "You're a flooring installer." Matt to Steve

"I have a beautiful mind." Steve   "No, you have a beautiful wife." Me

"I'm a confused young man." Roger

Ryan and I only have half an episode left on season five of "Downton Abbey". Life is so unfair.

"I'm more afraid of her." Bill to Tim about a mystery woman

"Roxanne ruined you." Steve to Bill

Roger says he's too nervous to watch the game on Sunday so he's going to watch a "Gilmore Girls" marathon instead.

Toni informed me that Cody will be filing an L&I claim today because Tim shot him in the dick with a nerf gun. 

Roger told me that he gets his real news from "The Daily Show" and his work news from "The Daily Chatter." 


Go Hawks! Look for my sister at the Superbowl, more than likely she'll be the one that the crowd throws up in the air and catches whenever a goal is scored. 

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/29/2015

The Daily Chatter*

01/29/2015

 Roger's smitten for some 80 year old and he says that she reminds him of Shuryl which is one of the greatest loves of his life (sorry Dot).

I called Roger this morning and he thought I was Bill. Apparently I need to allow my voice to wake up a little more before I call him.

"As long as they don't read his blog, he's great." Bill about Roger

Bill has something on his desk that looks like an old petrified marshmallow.

Roxanne will be happy to know that Bill talked about her the whole way to Auburn today.

Apparently Tim liked using Roxanne's pink tape measure yesterday...

"Don't make excuses...I won." Bill to Mary

It looks like we can start blaming everything on Michael. He wants to leave us again.

Mary gave Typhinee permission to go out and key a rep's car today. If Toni were here he would have done it to this reps car too. I'm pretty sure that was the rep that never called him after they had sex.

Mary would like me to get her a life size solid gold statue of herself stating that she is salesman of the month for January 2015.

"Nobody wants to be around me on my birthday because I insist on everyone spanking me." Mr. U'nnells

Tim and Toni were unimpressed with female nudity. Is that why they went to the slut hut today?

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/28/2015

The Daily Chatter*

01/28/2015

Roger's going to get in trouble for this but oh well. Ryan and I left a certain store last night and we made some very rude/crude comments to each other (not about each but about other people of course) and Ryan mentioned that Roger was our inspiration and that we aspire to have his abilities. It all started when a very large disabled woman who probably wasn't really disabled had her fake wheelchair and her cart blocking the whole aisle and wouldn't move an inch and made a comment to me that basically she wasn't moving. When we left the store we noticed she was still taking up the same freaking aisle. 

Bill's going to ask Randy to do his wedding with a Chinese accent.

"I'm so glad you're here, I was about to spend money." Bill to Mary

Ryan accused me the other day of saying the name Jeremy's as Germy and he wondered if I was doing it on purpose. I had an epiphany today as to that's probably why things didn't work out back in the day with a guy named Jeremy.

Roger came to work today just so that he wouldn't get fined. Does Typhinee fine him?

Roger was talking to Toni about grabbing things he shouldn't grab. Tim told me that I didn't want to know and that it was worse than I could ever imagine. (That one should also get Roger in trouble tonight).

How did we miss National Chocolate Cake Day yesterday?

"I have the same problem, it gets bigger every time." Mr. U'nnells

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/27/2015

The Daily Chatter*

01/27/2015

The moron visiting our home turned on the fireplace yesterday on our beautiful summer like day and it was probably running all day long because I turned it off when I came home and on top of it we had windows open to cool the place down. Unfortunately I had Typhinee's not so nice words going through my head all night. I told Ryan after they leave I get to unleash everything and it will probably be thirty minutes that will need to be sensored.

"He's a cocky motherf*cker." Toni    I think Typhinee is to blame for Toni's mouth too.

I had a dream about Marty last night. He was demanding a new policy for installers to be tipped for every job they did.

"Alligators are at my a$$, snapping." Tim

Toni emailed me today about cowpokes when apparently the word was supposed to be copies.

"I'll show you mine and you'll feel a lot better about yours." Bill to a client

Toni told me that I was cold as ice today.

"It must be my pointy high cheek bones." Mary as she was flirting with some guy on the phone

"I've been thinking about you all day."  "The little bit that I saw I just loved..." Mary

I think Mary has her own kinky "party" line of some sort,  I had to listen to these sort of phrases all afternoon "A little naughty is nice." "You can put me in a certain closet in your home." "I'm not a patient person."

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/26/2015

The Daily Chatter*

01/26/2015

The police found Cody's girlfriends car a couple days too early. They almost had their insurance check instead they got to drive home a needle filled, hooker stenched car that was used for mail theft and who knows what else.

Mary was so insistent that I was pregnant on Friday night but it turns out that we're having a grand baby instead.

Even though it's not Thanksgiving I am so very thankful for an office that isn't politically correct. One of our house guests is a little too touchy with all of that and I thought I was going to get yelled at yesterday for watching "Arrested Development."

Some days I wonder if Roger was the inspiration of the writers of "Arrested Development". Today he informed Bill that he doesn't respond to hola because this is the United States. 

We were graced with Crystal's presence today because her earring back was falling off and she needed a place to pull her car over. She also says that diamonds are really expensive...There was too much mind blowing knowledge in her conversation to comprehend.

"There's a sight I never thought I would see." Bill as Typhinee was running after Crystal and using her nice voice to call her name

Crystal told Tim that she loves him.

Ryan can never be in the same room as Randy again. Randy was telling Ryan that he smokes cigars while golfing and a whole bunch of other manly things that Ryan's not allowed to do.

Word of advice  "There's always money in the banana stand."

Ryan we need to turn our home into this before Sunday.

Bellevue sure has team spirit, we were their Saturday night and most of Bellevue was lit with green and blue lights. 

Crystal informed Typhinee that she is Jerad's work wife and that neither of them were getting laid today because he was in a pissy mood. Poor Typhinee we are going to have to pay her phone sex fees just to talk to Crystal.

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/23/2015

The Daily Chatter*

01/23/2015

Roxanne apparently thinks that her dad will wear any of Bill's perverse sayings on a t-shirt.

"I don't know why I care, he's called me dickhead two days in a row." Roger about inviting Tim to lunch

"Who are we making fun of today?" Bill

"You're not getting ready for lunch, you're plugging stuff in." Roger to Tim

Please don't ask Tim what he's going to do for seven hours in the dark while he waits to go duck hunting. Roger (of all people) was very sorry that he asked. 

"I don't know what Toni did because my daughter is perfect." Mary

"Bill's tired of finding out how many thirteen year old boys slept with his mom." Mr. U'nnells  Now I'm curious...

Typhinee said Tim put stuff on the big boy shelf today. 

Apparently we're working Steve too hard, he wanted to die last night. I'm sure Mr. U'nnells is thinking that we're not working Steve hard enough because he shouldn't of even had time to think about dying.

"I can't lose my Joe." Mary

Mary didn't know who the boy band on Typhinee's last birthday napkins was. 

"Seriously you need to give up smoking crack at work." Typhinee to Roger

Speaking of smoking crack at work here comes Crystal. 

Toni doesn't want anyone falling off a building and dying on his car.

Typhinee claims that she didn't hear Crystal come in today but she tasted her perfume. 

"Little chauchkies everywhere." Mary  "Sounds like a racial term." Toni    I'm beginning to wonder if Toni got Roger's Google Brain by accident.

Mary wanted to put dirty limericks on our office wall but she has decided not to.

Toni came up with some limericks for his work order for Matt "Don't be bitter, fix the shitter."

"I can get mine out of the kid section so I'm fine." Toni about his Tux for Bill's wedding

"Matt's drinking might actually help me." Toni

 I almost had Roger convinced last week that I was a tomboy but then he told me that I was a dike. 

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/22/2015

The Daily Chatter*

01/22/2015

Tim addressed Roger this morning with the new standard company greeting "Hey Dick Head."

Roger refused to take the crazy woman for the weekend so I'm out of luck. Any other takers? Matt, Steve always says that you're good with crazy people....I'll buy you a years supply of PBST.


Everyone except Roger avoided the office today because they knew in the back of their minds that we had a PK Meeting. Luckily the rep left the box of pastries that he bought for us.

My email now only recognizes Toni as Jessica, it still has his Ewok picture though.

Mary's almost eye surgeon from way back in the day went out of business the day before her pre-op exam showed up in the news in Canada. 
http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2015/01/21/christopher-phillips-ottawa_n_6519704.html

 "Adam and I started to French. It's getting really frustrating." Toni

Toni thinks people who speak Icelandic are possessed by Satan.

Toni and I are going to have to start a blog called Darcy is a F*%^&*# Moron. This woman should not be a project manager.

"I think I'm getting too old for this sh*t" Typhinee

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/21/2015

The Daily Chatter*

01/21/2015

Marty thought it was insane that a forty something year old couple would watch "Bonanza". I'm afraid he would be indubitably shocked to see the old movies that a thirty something year old like myself watches.

Since Roger likes crazy people like himself I think I'll be dropping one off on his doorsteps over the weekend. I've been told she likes to talk in baby talk so it should be very entertaining for him.

Speaking of crazies, Wal-Mart may have a picture of Typhinee on their wall after the conversation she had with one of their employees last night in the electronics department for locking up inexpensive items rather than the name brand expensive ones.

Bill seems to be sporting a very large blue Vodka bottle on his desk today. We have all finally made him go over the edge yet he blames it all on Chris Lackie for some reason. I always thought it would be Steve, I hope I didn't lose much on that bet.

It was 12:11 and Toni and Bill came back to the office and Toni said "thanks Bill". Is he now getting his nooners from Bill since his icork honey is gone? We better hope that somebody interesting moves in next door for Toni's sake.

 "So what do you do, you sound strong." Toni to another man on the phone

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/20/2015

The Daily Chatter*

01/20/2015

Toni is Val's Cheeky Pooky. Does that mean they cuddle like this?

Typhinee finally made it to the car wash....We were all beginning to wonder about her. 

Cody claims Bill can't go back to Amante's because he had a fling with the girl their. No wonder why he doesn't want to invite this chick to the wedding, awkward, but I sure the heck will.


Cody did the unthinkable, he showed Jess "The Daily Chatter" last night. His life is about to go to sh%$. Just ask Roger and Bill, their significant others have the blog link. Then there's my husband who just tells me that I'm mean to Roger because he gets "The Chatter".

Tim's large truck is mad at him for some reason. Probably because he didn't show up to work today, I'm mad at him too. 

Our guys are just the sweetest, they come in the office and address each other with "What's up Dickhead?"
 

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/19/2015

The Daily Chatter*

01/19/2015

Typhinee wants to know how Steve got a smokin' hot wife.

Steve's just lucky that his birthday falls in football season.  Otherwise he would get a My Little Pony cake just like some other men in our office. 

"Hanging out with the retired crowd was dangerous." Tim because he didn't want to leave Arizona

In two weeks Bill says he's going to be a really old person.

Toni asked if it was a holiday today and Bill told him it was Empire Way Day (that's how we know he's getting to be old).

MSN had a headline as to why Tiger Woods was missing a tooth. My mind went crazy with answers until I clicked on the link. My first thoughts were: OJ Simpson's out of prison, Tiger turned gay (crazy things happen when you turn gay, just ask Toni), Tiger's ex-wife must be in town or he really likes the Jason look. 

Bill says he can't go back to Amante's because a friend of a friend of a friend of Roxanne's works there and it's too uncomfortable for him (because the girl hugged him). He says this girl thinks she's getting invited to their wedding and Bill doesn't want to be the one to tell her that she's not. Bill claims that Roger's the only person on earth who would understand.

Toni wore a sleeping bag today. I think he's tired of getting raped at the office.

"There wasn't a lot of thought that went into that whole thing." Tim (Mary told him that's why he ended up with three kids.)

Roxanne is going to kick some a$$ today and I accused her of being a kiss a$$.

Bill thinks Roxanne only talks about him but he didn't want me to say otherwise because he thought it would hurt his feelings.

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/16/2015

The Daily Chatter*

01/16/2015

Howard saw Mary's mug and decided that Mary is Michael Scott from "The Office" and that Bill is Andy. If Bill is Andy who is Roxanne, Angela or Erin?

"There's nothing that I like more, than making you jealous." Ross

Ross told me that he's happy that Ryan got pissed about his name.

Ross also told me that I'm fickle. If he keeps this crap up I'm going to have to call him something else for a month.

Jenny please make sure Steve loses the beard soon.

Crystal told me that her two year old likes to yell at her all the time now. He probably sounds just like his dad at home.

"You just missed Crystal but you can still smell her." me to Mary  Her scent permeated our office for over an hour.

Toni started repeating stories this afternoon that he told me this morning....he may possibly have Dwight's concussion. 

 Toni lost an online trivia game because he's a fag (not my words).

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/15/2015

The Daily Chatter*

01/15/2015

I asked Toni is he wanted a little extra glitter today and he told me his thong already was glittery enough.

Speaking of Glitter, you can now send your enemies anonymously very messy glitter. Mr. U'nnells' birthday is coming up I should try it.  
www.shipyourenemiesglitter.com

Ryan told me this morning that I was mean for calling Roger Ross. So because of my husband guilting me into thinking that I'm a mean person I will stop calling someone Ross after this week (it still has be somewhat on my terms or Ryan will think he got his way).

Ross saw a marriage license on Toni's desk yesterday (no not Toni's marriage license) (the marriage he performed for his friend) and he thought it said something about sodomizing marriages. Now I'm curious what Ross' marriage license says.

Toni shouldn't be scared of whales anymore, it's hippos he should worry about and he lives so close to the Woodland Park Zoo and they have hippos..This video was all over the news last night.
http://mashable.com/2015/01/15/hippo-chases-boat/

Typhinee's a b*atch, she transferred Crystal over to me today.

Speaking of Crystal, Toni says he needs some more side flings since his icork honey left him.

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/14/2015

The Daily Chatter*

01/14/2015

Toni is one of the most disappointing and inconsiderate people that I know (besides Ross and Michael). He broke his Friends mug that I gave him and I'm pretty sure that is an unforgivable sin.

"Roger cut me." Toni (He really meant to say Ross)

Now Toni's telling people that I cut him. Good maybe they'll be afraid of me.

"Because I'm going to marry Roxanne, I have to go everywhere that she goes now." A very depressed sounding Mr. U'nnells   I personally think he's more freaked out than Chandler Bing.

Ross claims I screwed up his name yesterday in The Chatter, I'm very sorry for that.

The guys are now trying to plan Bill's bachelor party.

Typhinee told me that Tim wanted to invite me to be a naked zombie at Bill's paint ball bachelor party. I'm busy that day.

Ross said that Tim and Toni are the odd couple. Toni is Felix and Tim is Oscar.

We got a fax for a Kim today, maybe Tim would like to change his name too.

It appears that icork has moved out and Toni is missing out on his nooners.

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/13/2015

The Daily Chatter*

01/13/2015

I'm sorry but Ross doesn't look like Diana Ross or Ross Perot. He's going to have to stick to being the Jewish Ross Geller and he can be the holiday armadillo at Christmas.

"There's something sexy about me with a feather duster." Toni

"The East Wing is revolting against the West Wing." Tim

Roger says that he doesn't argue with Dot. He says she's always right, he sounds like a defeated man just like my husband.

Bill says that Serge screwed him in the tea department. That poor guy just can't do anything right.

Dot told Ross that she wants Steve on a certain job. Apparently she is now in charge of scheduling, Typhinee must be thrilled. 

Ross you really need to go and kick Billy Bob Thorton's butt he came out and said his life long goal was to bed Aniston. 

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/12/2015

The Daily Chatter*

01/12/2015

"Are you sticking to this Ross thing?" "Yes" me "Then you and I are over." Ross
To me that sounds like we are on a break....

"I'm not f*^&ing Ross, I wouldn't have dumped Jennifer Aniston." Ross

I think I just found a picture of new Ross and Jennifer Anison's love child because that's definitely not Emma. 

There are so many similarities between Ross and the new Ross. The main one is that their first wives were/are lesbians and that they had one child from that marriage. The other similarity is Elliott Gould...need I say more.

It sounds like Toni got raped by Steve and the cashier at Starbucks today.

Roxanne found the Skittle in the M&M's that Mary hid. Does she win a prize? Mary said she really wanted Steve to find it (strange because it was green).

Serge finally brought in the crap that he's been threatening us with.

Ross is going to be sad, Taylor Negron who appeared in "Friends" as the owner of Alessandro's restaurant died.

Toni said that we we're really rude today. Needless to say he was part of the trash talk about Russian cows (actual cows of all things). 

 *not to be construed as Gossip

01/09/2015

The Daily Chatter*

01/09/2015

Roger told me today that he adapts to the environment. I would really like to test him on that comment.

Toni was very disturbed by the whale video from the Chatter yesterday. Roger on the other hand was just very disturbed that I didn't send the Chatter yesterday.

Roger says that I f*cked up Toni's name. He told Bill that he wanted me to F*$% his name up too. Roger will now be referred to as Ross, since that is his favorite "Friends" character.

Michael needs to be fired, he's purposefully not contributing to "The Chatter" and keeping things from me and I don't tolerate that sort of BS.

I guilted the guys into inviting Cody to lunch today and Cody thanked me for it. Now Cody is my new favorite person at work and Ross and Michael are my least favorite.

Bill seems to behind the times on some techy stuff. (I would venture to say it's probably Roxanne's fault).

"I'm just going to take crap from everybody." Mary after Toni scolded her for coming in so late today.

Dr. Drake Ramoray was a guest on "Late Night with Seth Meyers" this week.

Speaking of Joey, it was confirmed this week that he split up with his girlfriend of eight years.

I chewed Tim out for a missing receipt from Colorado that I didn't have but when I looked up the company name online I had to swear at Bill. It ended up being the scanner for his ipad, needless to say Tim was relieved.

I found a museum that Toni will not go to because he hates the word. East Lansing, Michigan has a Moist Towelette Museum.

I think Toni tried to poison me so I made him drink the same concoction that he made for me.

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/08/2015

The Daily Chatter*

01/08/2015

"That's my kind of party, me and two chicks." Roger

According to Roger one bless you should last three hours but for me he said it expires after an hour and a half.

Bill said he regrets putting all of that pepper in Roger's keyboard. Roger sneezed more than I did today.

This very short video is going to freak Toni out. He may never go near the water again.
https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10152326452787599&fref=nf'

Cody thinks the guys don't like him because they "forget" to invite him for lunch.

We were just recalling today the good old days when Bill broke the hood in the kitchen at Newcastle and I'm pretty sure Matt broke the stove top.

Mary and I thought Bill was getting cold feet today but then he tried telling us that he's not Chandler. I personally think that he'll be hiding in a closet on his wedding day and smoking just like Chandler.

I think Roger was taking credit for this but I'm sure it was Dot's discovery. On Amazon you can drag "wish list" to your computers Bookmarks and then when you find something on another website, you add it your Amazon wishlist.

Toni and I think that nudists are lazy people who can't manage to put on clothes.

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/07/2015

The Daily Chatter*

01/07/2015

I was glad to hear that Roger approved of the new soap scent in the bathroom today, Citrus Wreath. I was afraid I was going to hear flack about it.

Marty ran into a gate and somehow blames Roger for it. If Marty can blame Roger for everything then I will too.

Toni seems to be asking quite a bit for his "services" on Craigslist.

"VPD....Sounds like a venerial disease." Mary

Bill was about to blame Tim yesterday for screwing up our RFMS Job #'s but I blamed it on Typhinee.

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/06/2015

The Daily Chatter*

01/06/2015

Marty was trying to act like a gentleman this morning and introduced me to one of their new employees. It was all weird, he was showing off but of course he wouldn't shut up.

Zsa Zsa Gabor's daughter (the one made from Conrad Hilton) died and the crazy thing is Zsa Zsa is still alive at 97.

"What the F*@$ did I do to you." Typhinee to Mary

I inspired Bill to want to try bitter almonds. He may think that Roxanne is trying to poison him with cyanide...

"I'm going to wheel and deal this thing." Toni's turning into a used car sales person

"Your mom would beat the sh*t out of them." Mary trying to scare Toni

Speaking of scaring, Mary also tried to make her daughter sound like a villain today with Toni. I think the family welcome has warn off since Toni hasn't proposed yet.

Roxanne, I'm just going to warn you, if Bill goes into the closet and picks out his "sexy clothes" it's because he's a moron and also because Mary told him about all of the hot women he's going to see at lunch tomorrow. 

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/05/2015

The Daily Chatter*

01/05/2015

"Hey, do you have a problem...." Roger to Bill  (I'm really disappointed that I didn't hear what he thought his problem was.)

"Downton Abbey" season five started last night and it's getting scandalous.  Almost as scandalous as Roger's life.

Mary's son Ryan is moving into an even larger home in Tennessee. I told Mary I was jealous of the house he already lives in. I need to go out and find a rich family to adopt me.

Apparently Kayne and Paul McCartney did a song together....

 Mary is now telling her clients that she needs to sit in all of their bathrooms.

Toni's dad dropped off a very gay hat for Toni today.

The guys are on Tim's job this week and they got supplied with their own cottages. Bill mentioned that Steve is never ever going to want to work on one of his out of town jobs again staying at a Motel 6 with only one bed for four guys.

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/02/2015

The Daily Chatter*

01/02/2015

Cody told me that he was going to marry his cousin on Wednesday night. I didn't know that was legal here but it is legal in California. 

Typhinee said that Roger's sick, is she just now discovering that?

Typhinee was also cleaning out Roger's desk today and  Roger was pretty sure he had been fired.

Toni made a new friend yesterday. The guy asked one of Toni's buddies how he expressed himself, then he belted out some Adele in the back of Toni's car while Toni drove him home and apparently he had a horrible voice. 

"I just won't make out with him or do something gross." Toni about not wanting to get sick from Tim

Cody broke a deck today, time to lay off the Top Pot donuts I would say. From the sounds of it, I would have broke this deck too.

Mary thinks Bill should be more like her.

Toni told Randy that he needed to talk to him so of course Mary showed up too to plan the wedding. Toni got wind of her coming to the office and he took off. She really is the mom from "The Goldbergs".

I can't remember what Ryan said yesterday that was inappropriate but I had to call him Roger. Roger is a very bad influence but he did give me a great recommendation for a movie "Walter Mitty".

*not to be construed as Gossip