07/31/2013

The Daily Chatter*

07/31/2013

Poor Ryan is having "Mad Men" withdrawals, ok it's really all about me too. It just started getting interesting the other night and last night we had too much going on and we didn't get to watch any episodes and the anticipation is killing me.

This was on MSN today under Awkward Vacation Photo's but I'm pretty sure this is just Toni every day of the week. 

Toni seems to think that he's a nice guy. I probably screwed things up because I agreed with him.

Tim is worried about Folder Thiefs in that back room.


Rick gave us a disgustingly great story for the perfect way to get fired from a job site and to have the police show up. Along with it your guaranteed that nobody will ever want to talk to you again.

I think Rick is going to find a way to get company insurance for his dogs.

Jessica had another good day although she thought her sales were small. I think we need some sort of sales bell in the back room just to show that the women can kick butt around here.

According to Toni the Mohawk rep looks like a baby's thumb. Speaking of babies I had a dream last night about Toni's son.

I have to mention Roger somehow or else he gets his feelings hurt. I know most of you think he doesn't have feelings but he claims he does.

*not to be construed as Gossip

07/30/2013

The Daily Chatter*

07/30/2013

Roger wants Toni to do his dirty work for him.

Toni thinks Rick has a bad case of kissing dudes and that's why he had a doctors appointment today.

Roger informed me that the Chatter has been short and less interesting lately ever since  I've been too busy for him. My invitation to let Roger write the Chatter anytime he wants to is still open.

We have a sub with the last name Gunnell, that just seems wrong.

Roger was trying to prescribe drugs for Jessica to take today. I think Roger thinks he's a doctor just because his brother is one.

Vance would like to be known as Farmer Vance from here on out.

Toni asked Bill today if he ever had a mullet. I think Toni wants to rock a mullet pretty badly.

Mary's GPS is the only thing that she lets boss her around anymore.

Roger thinks Mary needs to cut her desk in half just for the cause.

Bill called Bullsh*t on Roger today. I thought that was Tim's button, apparently Bill thought he was filling in.

Bill claims he doesn't deal with people who need checks from him. 

Mary found Tim's backside on the internet.

In that same time lapse video I found a great picture of Steve doing what he does best....

*not to be construed as Gossip

07/29/2013

The Daily Chatter*

07/29/13

Tim's grumpy and sore today. He claims he hiked down Crystal Mountain yesterday but I don't know if I should believe him.

Toni complained that Mary made him do something today out in the warehouse then pushed him down afterwards.

Riley doesn't like to be approached by very high skateboarders at 7:30 in the morning while she's on her way to Starbucks, it freaked her out.  It was so bad that Ryan and I thought this teenager was retarded at first.

Tim wants to retire and just give Mary all of his clients since they like her more than him anyways. It's probably because we won't give him money for the boat that he wants.

I read a story where this guy left a note under the toilet seat for this girls boyfriend because she was a skank. I have to say, nothing good ever shows up underneath a toilet seat.

Roger is MIA today. He must be hanging with his new homies at the UPS store.

Mary won Bill's contest as to who knew the lyrics to "The Wheels on the Bus" song today. She should get a plaque on her wall for that one.

*not to be construed as Gossip

07/26/2013

The Daily Chatter*

07/26/2013

Toni decided that we can't torture him if we fire him so now he knows why we keep him here.

Efren wanted to take Riley home with him today.

I think Roger's going to be fired on Monday. He told Riley that it was an unpleasant surprise to see her and just wait till Riley tells Mary.

Bill and Roger thought that it was funny that the Costco guy called me Kendall. What they didn't know was that this was the 3rd time he's called me that. Roger told me I should increase the font of my name to 75 on my emails.

Roger requested for one of his customers to talk dirty to him, he's our own Anthony Weiner. Please don't run for mayor of New York, Roger.

"I'll just do whatever I'm told." Roger ....That's not very likely.

Tim seems to be super excited about earning $163.00 that he wants in cash.

I just realized that my scar has freckles, I didn't think that was possible.

I have to say that my husband is the best, I woke him up from sleeping last night to kill a spider in the bathroom and he did it without complaining but I am still mad at him for forgetting to wear his wedding ring yesterday.

*not to be construed as gossip

07/25/2013

The Daily Chatter*

07/25/2013

Roger says no Chinese Food tomorrow. He may have just uninvited himself to all Friday Man Lunches.

"If you see me skipping, I have issues." Rick

Bill told someone to get on Matt today. Doesn't Matt have enough people trying to get on him?

Bill claims he can't go anywhere without Roxanne picking up something Wedding related. He said her latest was a book on wedding dogs.

Toni was upset that I didn't dot his i with a heart on his second post it note that I gave him today.

Tim and Rick are up to something no good.

I thought my crazy aunt called me today because I received a call from a blocked number. Instead it was some Asian woman who wanted to call me Sue and see how I was doing after my surgery. I wonder what kind of surgery I had?

I just know that Rick and Toni left early to go to Bahama Breeze Happy Hour without me.

*not to be construed as Gossip

07/24/2013

The Daily Chatter*

07/24/2013

Roger has his UPS Store rights reinstated. I wonder how much $$$ that cost him?

Tim had a very man on man day yesterday. 

Mary called Matt a good boy today, I think he's going to be her next puppy.

Jessica is kicking the men's butts today and putting them all to shame.

Toni thinks the microwave is pissed at him because it doesn't sound happy. Toni seems to have a real calling, he should be a microwave therapist. Then he could have cards like Tobias on "Arrested Development".

Dang that Matt, I expected him to be perfect like I am.

Roger thinks I can only be honest for a few hours at a time.

Nikki told Toni to call Steve to let him know to never bring his baby down here again. Nikki's tired of receiving texts with pictures from her mom.

Toni thinks he's the worst forklift driver but I'm pretty sure Steve has already taken home that prize.

*not to be construed as Gossip

07/23/2013

The Daily Chatter*

07/23/2013

Roger thinks that Dennis Farina who just died has been reincarnated as the royal baby.

Roger actually told a clean joke today, what's his deal.

Roger wants to chaeuffer Mary and her drunk friends around town for a small fee.

Here's one of our Google Voicemail transcripts from today: "Hello, my name is horrified and hey."

I'm starting to think that our government just wants Roger to disappear.

Our new van is the shagging wagon according to Toni.

Roger thinks we have nice tweekers in this neighborhood.

"Not everything is about you." Mary to Bill

All Mary can think about is playing with Steve and Jenny's baby again.

"I like to take advantage of people like you." Roger to Mary

Rick wants to buy a Galaxy 500 and commit the ultimate road rage ,without license plates of course.

Roger told Toni that I'm no longer adventurous since I got married, all because I didn't want a Slurpee but neither did Roger.

Bill told Toni not to accept anything from Mary right now. 

I really hope that Bill does something funny on Roger's sweet shagariffic vehicle, like these people did.
http://www.aretedi.com/blog/5-funny-vehicle-wraps/

*not to be construed as Gossip

07/22/2013

The Daily Chatter*

07/22/2013

Congratulations Jenny & Steve on your new beautiful baby girl Maci!

The Royal Baby has arrived and it's a boy. Bill heard that and said that's really going to piss Steve off.


I'm amazed that we haven't scared Jessica off yet.

Toni went camping this weekend and says he stayed in a campsite next to a couple of skanks who thought he peed in the spaghetti because that's apparently what you do when your making camp food.

Roger actually took my advice and he was happy that he did so.

We had a very gay waiter in Portland yesterday and I was a little upset that he only wanted to wait on Ryan.

Mary wants Roger's van. She wants to put a bar and a bed in back so that she and her girls can party and pass out without having to drive anywhere.

I have to say I'm sick and tired of Jenny looking great all of the time. She still had her hospital band on and she looked wonderful.

Mary is a real downer, she told me that I couldn't post something juicy in the Chatter today.

According to The Onion they say that Fox & Sons Books has filed for Bankruptcy.

*not to be construed as Gossip

07/19/2013

The Daily Chatter*

07/19/13

Roger got kicked out of a UPS store last night with a friendly reminder to never come back and it wasn't even because of his big mouth. I'm sure his picture has spread to all of there other stores by now.

Mary and I are a little upset, Tim didn't invite us out onto his boat this weekend but somehow Bill and Roxanne were invited. That's the last time I do anything for Tim.

Mary and Matt just had one of those moments where neither of them would back down and now I think they have a hot date planned for tomorrow night. It was just like watching Chandler and Phoebe.

I'm so upset, Ryan and I are going to miss out on the Bite of Seattle again this year because we're going to his mother's house in Eugene tonight.

Mary just can't believe that Chris is Cody's dad because she actually likes Cody:)

Jen it's time to have your baby, Mary said so....

*not to be construed as Gossip

07/18/2013

The Daily Chatter*

07/18/2013

Rick had to bring his dogs to work with him today because one of them wanted to eat the roofer he had at his house. 

Tim's only request for Rick's dogs this morning was for them to not eat his balls.

Tim wants to come back in another life as one of his dogs. Apparently being able to lick your own dick sounds pretty dang good to him.

I was following a guy in a car the other night who looked like he had Matt's hair but when I got closer I realized he was a bum who had Matt's hair, a huge beard and weird reflexes (he probably fell off his skateboard one too many times).

Roger told us that his wife yelled at him, I'm sure he deserved it.

Roger's having a bad day; Mary wanted to be his neighbor at first but then she changed her mind and nominated me instead. 

Jessica thinks it's odd that the guys in our office know all about "The Bachelorette".

One thing that I learned from "Mad Men" last night is that a riding lawnmower should never be used in an office area.

Roger saved the day, he killed a spider for us.

Tim's ticked at Toni, he just up and walked out during their conversation without saying a word.Toni's such a nothing burger (I think that's what Roger said).

Jenny, when the heck are you going to have that baby? Quit holding out on us, we want to know what it is....

*not to be construed as Gossip

07/17/2013

The Daily Chatter*

07/17/2013

I was so proud of Toni this morning, he told me that he broke RFMS but then I found out it was a huge lie. He only broke his and it was easily fixed. 

I think Tim's wife is going to divorce him over a boat.

Toni was told that from here on out he needs to turn over his paychecks to Tim so that he can buy his boat.

Tim beat the crap out of Ferguson this morning all because of an entry mat for Dierdorff.

Roger's wife thinks "Bill's the man". What is going on with Roger's marriage?

Who does Roger think he is? He had his Do Not Disturb button turned on today. 

I thought Roger was going to lose it today, Bill said he needed to borrow his van.

Roger, Jessica has you beat, she actually did work in a gay bar. Whereas Roger was going to do work in a gay bathhouse and Matt was freaked out that he was going to be the installer. 

*not to be construed as Gossip

07/16/2013

The Daily Chatter*

07/16/2013

I'm pretty sure that Roger isn't ever coming back to work. We gave him keys to a van and Bill's credit card. I think he's set for life now.

Roger is trying to be a prude now. He knows he has to change because there's a lady in his man cave now.

Jessica claims she has more annoying ring tones than Tim. Does she talk on the phone and Skype while in the bathroom?

I can't believe it, Roger actually came into work.

Roger's van is now referred to as his sweet ride. He won't respond to anything else, Dot found that out the hard way.

Toni's miffed he got a speeding ticket today, that's what happens when you have a flashy purple car.

Roger was very hurt that I didn't mention yesterday that he also noticed my mosquito bites. He did notice them after I pointed them out to him, not to say that he wouldn't have noticed them so he does get half credit.

Steve says that because his brothers gay, he's in the club.

Roger was telling Steve the classic story about the difference between Prego and Pergo today.

Mary thought for sure she wasn't going to meet Jessica today.

Nikki made it into a picture on Eonline and luckily it wasn't about Toni's colorful fashion statements.
http://www.eonline.com/news/439170/trendsetters-at-work-nordstrom-seattle-hq

Matt wants to be Tony Hawk this week but I'm pretty sure Mary banned him from his skateboard.

Roger told us he had a pretty wild night last night. Is Dot out of town?

I'm fairly certain that Toni's going to propose tonight, they are going bathroom floor mat shopping at Target. How much more romantic of a place can you be at?

*not to be construed as Gossip

7/15/2013

The Daily Chatter*

07/15/2013

First of all let me say I don't have chicken pox, I have mosquito bites from being up at Mount Rainier yesterday.

Ryan was telling me that he followed someone who was flipping off everyone in the carpool lane who was driving there illegally.Then right after he told me that the next morning I saw someone blatenly use that lane just to get around a metered light so then I wanted to flip them off.

I'm not sure if I should feel like a sex object or special, Marty was the only one who noticed my bug bites this morning.

Tim thinks I match his calendar today.

Tim was the first one to sell Fabrica from our showroom. He's definitely on his way to becoming a designer and passing Roger's design consultant status.

 Roger was happy to hear that he had one more day where he could leave his pants off in the man cave.

"Isn't it weird, walking out of a store with a male to male connector?" Bill to Roger

Roger thinks everyone hates him because he got a cute company van on Friday. 

Bill thinks his is 1/2 an inch bigger than Toni's.

Bill made a fort in the back of my cabinets today, it was kind of weird but I guess it kept him happy.

Roxanne is a little ticked at Bill right now, her family seems to like him more and they're all friends with him instead of her on some game.

Mary is going to be throwing a summer long party at her house in honor of her crazy neighbor putting her house up for sale.

*not to be construed as Gossip

07/12/2013

The Daily Chatter*

07/12/13

I think my marriage may be over, Ryan tried telling me that I was wrong last night in front of his kids. I'm going to find the correct answer over the weekend and put him to shame. I guess I shouldn't tell my dad yet that it's over, he's taking us to dinner tonight to celebrate our wedding.

I think Rick may have crapped his pants this morning after finding out an adhesive price. I think that's why he left.

Toni's hallucinating, he was talking about drinking seeds this morning.

I told Ryan last night that I had to hold my tongue because I was about to make a Roger like comment at the dinner table last night in front of his kids, excuse me I meant my step children.

I think Rick and Tim are conspiring against the West Wing because we don't have a physical fax machine.

Bill had to cut several inches off of Tim's desk today in order to fit the new desk in back. I wonder if Tim will notice?

Roger was listening to a very messed up hippie smoking pot this morning. This is what he had to say to the person with him. "The son started fucking his fathers wife and then they took off together....it's all very biblical."

I'm just waiting to hear the new rules that Roger has for Monday.

"I think it might be Toni's fault but I'm not sure." Bill

"Are you texting or sexting?" Roger to Bill

Roger thinks he got in a knife fight with a social worker and that's why he has a scar on his neck.

"Girls are nothing but trouble and they're expensive. I'm pretty sure the cheapest girls you can hang out with are hookers." Mr. U'nnells

"It hurts like a mofo when you kick it." Toni

Mary got it out of a certain somebody why a certain Stacy was fired and now she only has to sleep with the guy twice. Thanks for taking two for the team Mary.

I think I know where Toni's going to be tomorrow....

*not to be construed as Gossip

07/11/2013

The Daily Chatter*

07/11/2013

Please don't stare at Toni's shirt today, he is very sensitive, he had a deodorant mishap this morning.

Tim seems to be competing for Roger's position as a design consultant. He had out Mary's mosaic boxes this morning trying to put a design together.

 Toni asked someone if they could pallet jack it off. He decided that probably wasn't the greatest choice of words.

Tim thinks everything is Bullsh*t today. Even though he's taking off and won't be back till Monday, I think that's Bullsh*t.

Why are people this stupid? The Boston Bomber pleaded not guilty.

Roger doesn't like B's or J's or so he told Toni. I think that was his code word for BJ's.

Rick wants us all to feel sorry for him today he had to do manual labor and I'm sure we're going to hear all about it tomorrow:)

*not to be construed as Gossip

07/10/2013

The Daily Chatter*

07/10/2013

Roger is already getting use to the idea of having a woman in the back room but I'm sure two women back there at the same time is probably not allowed.

Roger is never to be allowed near our water again. First he tried helping by taking the whole top off the water jug then spilled part of a bottle out onto the carpet. Luckily Bill was there to make him feel stupid over that. Then the next bottle he took and stuck onto the holder as is without taking the plastic sanitary cover off and now you can see the sticker in the water jug. After all of that he suggested putting a goldfish in our jug.

Roger tried giving back my stuff today but it was too late, I've already replaced it all.

"I'm not sure if my intervention helps or makes it worse." Bill

Roger is trying to get all of his vile talk out of his system before the new girl comes in Monday.

Tim told Mary that she's full of sh*t. So much for sucking up to the boss.

Bill thinks my phone headset would make a good booger picker. Remind me not to touch anything of his.

I can't believe I turned down bubble tea today, I think I'm sick.

 Mary says her son is a coffee shop savant.

Mary doesn't want to know what Bill and Roxanne do in elevators. 

*not to be construed as Gossip

07/09/2013

The Daily Chatter*

07/09/2013

Apparently I'm quite a b*tch, Bill stopped in the doorway of my office blurted out "I hired Jessica and she starts Monday morning" and ran for his life into the other room. Poor Jessica, I don't think she knows she's going to be thrown into the man cave yet. Has anyone passed this by Roger? You all know what he thinks of women in his man cave.

Roxanne wrote Bill a check and wrote two different amounts on the check so of course the bank kicked it back in the mail and Bill was about ready to take it into the bank and ask them if they deposited some of it and then realized she wrote on it "for sexual favors" and he decided to drop the whole thing.

Nikki was mad at Toni this morning for telling her that she was fat in her dream.

"The moment that you smack one on the a$$ you get arrested." Bill

Bill thinks we have the worst run sweat shop. Toni claims he has to keep changing his shirt because he's sweating so much. He was down to his 80's shirts today that's how many he went through.

Rick informed Bill that he wants to work in his underwear in our sweatshop.I think Friday we're going to need to refresh the guys with some rules.

Toni wants to watch Bill do it.

Toni claims his room mate screwed him.

*not to be construed as Gossip

07/08/2013

The Daily Chatter*

07/08/2013

I decided that the lady sitting at the table next to us at dinner last night who was absolutely drenched in perfume had to have been offended by Ryan's comments even though I don't think she could have heard him.

I mentioned to Roger this morning that Ryan spent all weekend trying to perfect his puff pastry dough and Roger mentioned that Ryan's not even gay.

Bill found a card over the weekend that let him talk to me while Roger was away on his honeymoon back in 2007.

Watch out men MSN says "Cheating Wives on the Rise" and we all want in on the action.

"I thought that my registered sex offender status would qualify me as a registered sales person." Roger

"Forrest Whitaker is a punk, he raped my mom." Mr. U'nnells then he admitted he didn't but he wanted to join in on Roger and Toni's conversation.

Roger is from here on out going to be referred to as a "Design Consultant".

Tim asked "Did we win?" after seeing the Kent Fire Department guy in here today. I think Tim wanted one of their Calendars.

Mary thinks Toni's going to go postal on her.

I love unexplainable RFMS crap!

Roger thinks Mary would be Henry VIII if she was born in another century. 

Roger and Toni mentioned that their Spongebob tattoos didn't come off until yesterday that they applied on Wednesday. Have you two learned your lesson for wanting a real tattoo yet?

"I just love inviting men to look down my shirt." Mary

Mary tried demanding that Jenny should have her baby today.

If Bill had his way he would put Roger in a hair net and gloves with samples of carpet on a tray.

Toni was in one of my dreams over the weekend, he was helping me pick out doughnuts in New York.

I'm pretty sure Roger stole just about everything that I had today.

"I'm a desperate man." Tim

*not to be construed as Gossip

07/05/2013

The Daily Chatter*

07/05/2013

I hope you all had a great fourth. Toni and I came into work this morning and the first thing both of us did was compare our hangover stories.

Ryan and I started Season 2 of "Mad Men" and I thought things were changing for the main character but yet again he gave into having sex with another skanky woman. Why? His wife is way hotter.

We received a package today at work for our next door neighbor Mr. Dong.

Toni's icork honey came over for Mr. Dong's package and Toni wasn't even here to flirt with her.

Poor Mary had to tell her parents about her tattoo, I bet she's grounded now.

Bill was trying to confuse me the other day, he walked in and said the heat is pretty funny. I'm thinking yes it's hot but is he going to tell me why its funny. I figured he had some stories about his neighbors or something. Turns out he was talking about the movie "The Heat" with Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy. 

Poor Toni he's "babed" out.

Our Phone Line 3 is apparently for Spanish speaking solicitors only. 

I really hope Jen and Steve have some awesome pregnancy photo's like this.

http://www.worldwideinterweb.com/item/1733-the-50-most-awkward-pregnancy-portraits-ever.html

Roxanne thought this was a Company thing, claiming property. I had to inform her it was only a Mr. U'nnells thing. If it was a company thing she would have this spray painted on her forehead like we do with our tools.

Tim finally made it in today so now I won't need to bite his thumb and make it swell up.

Tim wanted me to stand over him today and tell him not to do something as he did it anyways. 

*not to be construed as Gossip

07/03/2013

The Daily Chatter*

07/03/2013

Mary and her lush friends were sitting around the pool in Arizona trying to come up with cool new words and sexual positions (don't ask) and one of them stumbled upon Argo in the Urban Dictionary.

"Term used by Outlaw Bikers meaning "Oh go....." as in Oh go f*ck yourself. Also added to that would be "NUNYA" Argo Nunya means Oh go f*ck yourself, nunya bizness" 

So just in case Matt tells any of you this, you'll know what it means.

I was being nice last night and I told Ryan that I gave him the authority to order whatever he wanted for us at a restaurant. That's the last time I ever do that because we somehow got one of everything and he ordered the gayest drink on the menu for himself. 

Toni wanted Bill to go over to Roger's desk and just pee on it. 

Tim flaked out on us today but he claims he'll be here Friday. If he ditches us he can expect a swollen thumb like Matt's on Monday.

"I've had a wild day, I'm going to beat Tim up." Rick

Mary's a$$ hurts. I'm sure it's from too much sex. 

Roger thought that Toni's shorts that he was wearing today were left over from the Gay Pride Parade.

For those of you who can't keep up with what Social Media you should be on, I thought this was a great way to explain the differences. Whereas Bill can just disregard this because it involves people. 

Have a wonderful Fourth of July everyone!

*not to be construed as Gossip

07/02/2013

The Daily Chatter*

07/02/2013

Apparently I can say whatever I want about Steve because he doesn't read the Chatter. He found out I got married only because of my name change in my email.

Joe thought that Damon may have poisoned our new warehouse guy to get his job back.

My crazy Aunt has another conspiracy theory that I'm pretty sure Ryan and I are going to hear all about on the 4th of July.

I'm not sure what month Steve thought it was last week because his time card is all screwy. Maybe he needs a refresher course on how to read a calendar.

Tim heard that it was three ladies (if you want to call them that) that went on Mary's trip to Arizona and next time he wants to be invited.

Toni seems to remember my conversation a little differently that I recall it.

Bill said that Roger sold a job yesterday so he's taking today off in celebration.

An Onion headline today "Eminem Terrified as Daughter Begins Dating Man Raised on his Music"

Toni thinks Bill should have Ryan over for lunch since he works in his backyard. Toni also suggested that they could sit in the pool together. I'd say Toni's definitely not invited to Roger's SAP parade this weekend, he couldn't fake it if he tried.

"I love pervy" Mary

I heard that Matt's thumb is swollen for some crazy reason.

That was nice of Rick to give us his checking account information so that we could have whatever money he has in his account.

*not to be construed as Gossip

07/01/2013

The Daily Chatter*

07/01/2013

Toni claims he didn't go all gay this weekend. He had a friend visiting and they stuck to Pike Place instead of the parade which I was glad to hear for his friends sake.

Bill's name has now changed to Phil when solicitors ask who the owner is.

Toni noticed today that my monitor pole was stuck way up Kevin's a$$. I think Toni all of a sudden is taking a liking to Kevin, why shouldn't he, first of all Kevin's pink  and he has a colorful lei and he likes to experiment with stuff up his butt.

Roger thinks Mary's crazy to want to be in Arizona during this heat, he commented that she's not a lizard.

Roger also thinks I should get out of my marriage while I still can. I wonder which one of the things I said about Ryan made Roger cringe so bad?

Roger was talking about selling babies that crap on carpet. I'm sure glad he doesn't have any kids at home but I'm sure there will be grand kids someday soon.

Toni's a little hurt that everyone left us all at once today except for Rick.

I had someone on UT order desk freak out when I mentioned Schluter today, he must be new because it shouldn't have been a big deal.

I thought I was in trouble today, Jenny came in and started telling me that I was a sneaky lady.... running off to get married. 

*not to be construed as Gossip