04/30/2015

The Daily Chatter*

04/30/2015

Cody doesn't think he has aids, at least that's what he told me this morning. It sounds like he's been hanging out with Roger.

Roger admitted to me today that he doesn't pay attention when I talk to him.

The world is back to normal, Elton John's missing heart shaped glasses were found by the Memphis police.

I spilled the beans to Cody today that the only reason we put up with him is because his dad pays us every month. I hope Chris keeps sending the check.

I've never seen "Grey's Anatomy" but I can't believe they killed off Doctor McDreamy. I bet they kicked him off the show because Dot roughed him up and played him a little too hard. Those are some really impressive hickeys and love scars, maybe a little too much headboard but otherwise job well done Dot.

I read this about the Apple Watch. "Darker-colored artwork and even changes in darker colored skin types can fool the light sensors on the back of the watch." This is just like a real life "Better Off Ted" episode where the employees of color couldn't activate the sensors in the building and had to tote around white people.  

This will really freak Roger out and yes Roger the monkey is smiling at you and it wants to rip your heart out and eat it. Florida has a Rhesus variety of Monkey that were apparently let go or escaped after the filming of "Tarzan" the movie in 1939 but they are mostly around an area that we won't be going to but I'll try to find one for the office as our mascot since Mary doesn't bring Riley in often enough.

 Tim should be excited, I left a paper present for him on his desk.

When Bill says the word "she" it is always supposed to refer to Roxanne. This is some crazy new rule of his.
 

*not to be construed as Gossip

04/29/2015

The Daily Chatter*

04/29/2015

Cody seems to always come back with a story when he visits the Fed Ex store. Today the lady thought the box he was shipping said Natural Cremations instead of Natural Creations an Armstrong product. I guess when she saw that she jumped back from the box and wanted to know what was inside.

"I'll never forget when I got down on one knee and asked her if she would spend the next eight to nine years with me." Bill

The best news of the day is that Donna is going to drag Tim to the doctor.

Roger was practicing being nice to people.

I bet there were some people who lost money on Danny Bonaduce not dying first from "The Patridge Family".

This is going to freak Roger out but I noticed that Florida has a bunch of different animals that we don't have. They have a bunch of different squirrels that we don't have.

Flying Squirrels 

(This will give Roger nightmares)

Black Squirrels

Fox Squirrels

White Squirrel

*not to be construed as Gossip

04/28/2015

The Daily Chatter*

04/28/2015

Sounds like Tim had an exciting night and broke his nose on a cabinet. I hope nobody blames me for what happened to his face. All I can say is if he would have gone to the doctor none of this would have probably happened.

"My obligations with you are over for the day." Roger to me, referring to him saying hi to me once

 Bill's pretty sure I bought Toni a huge box of Magnums so that he'll stay out of trouble while I'm gone.

What happened to our 80 degree weather that we had yesterday? I guess I'll have to wait till Saturday when we arrive in Orlando to feel the sun again.

Bill said he wants to go out and be a superhero on May 1st if riots break out in Seattle. He really just wants to wear his pajamas outside.

I think Bill's parents deprived him of satsuma oranges his whole life. He didn't know they existed until last week.

Bill says you can't let Roxanne loose around deviled eggs....good to know.

Mary's off to her sisters weekend (aka Spring Break Cougar Style) in Arizona tomorrow.

I'm pretty sure this person on the ground in Baltimore is Roger. He knows that Seniors get a discount at Ross on Tuesdays but it looks like he may have been their for his five finger discount.

 

*not to be construed as Gossip

04/27/2015

The Daily Chatter*

04/27/2015

We discovered Friday night that the Organic Zoopa is not new and improved but depressing. It appears that they ripped the carpet out of the dining room and let some child paint the floor. The salad bar was hard to reach and if I was Roger I would point out the kind of people that were eating there.

Tim wants Bill to do something very gay to him.

Watch out Roxanne, I think Bill is going to get Sh*t faced tonight. He brought home a bag a limes and there are only 18 days left until you guys get married. I predict he'll start with a mojito then work his way to a Gimlet because that sounds like something that Chandler Bing would do before running away before his wedding.

I think Roger is going to miss me next week, I can already sense it in his voice. He was starting to tear up talking to me.

Toni is so hung over today from his bachelor party weekend.  I'm not sure why he came to work since he pretty much covered his head with a blanket all day long.

Tim seems to be marking his calendar for when I'm gone. Is he going to throw a party without me? Is he going to bring in his hot dog stand?

Matt wants to go on another cruise. I'm pretty sure all of the cruise lines have restraining orders against him. He's going to have to find a new alias because I'm sure they know most of his

A week from today Ryan and I will be at Crystal River looking and hoping to find a manatee to swim with. They love the river during the winter time but most of them have moved on to the Gulf of Mexico so I'll be keeping my fingers crossed.

Apparently Hobie from "Baywatch" spent a night in jail for stabbing one of his neighbors. The Hoff should have raised him better.

*not to be construed as Gossip

04/24/2015

The Daily Chatter*

04/24/2015

One week to go till Ryan and I leave for Florida!

It's been seventeen years since I've been to Disney World, things (like my waistline) have changed a little since then.

 
Mary's a cheater she's leaving next week for Arizona before me. 

"I wish husbands would fall off the face of the earth." Roger  Apparently his girlfriends husband must have come home early...

Steve seemed very worried today that Bill would end up in jail but he said if he does he'll have a trench ready for him to dig.

Tim's losing it and for some reason he thinks I'm losing it because I don't remember helping him with a certain computer problem which I think Toni or Typhinee must have helped him with. I do remember the last computer issue I helped him with and it is not his current issue.

"Life is depressing if you divide it up like Roger does." Bill

"Why would you say that about Mary when she's clearly 39." Bill to Toni

"How do you sleep at night when you steal from people? Mary"  "Usually on my side." Bill"

Toni's driving to Roslyn tonight which is also known as Cicely, Alaska on "Northern Exposure". Don't run over the moose!

*not to be construed as Gossip

04/23/2015

The Daily Chatter*

04/23/2015

I was thinking I would get one of these for Bill and Roxanne as their wedding gift but I would of course put Bill's face put on it.

"Are you contemplating your navel?" Tim to Bill

Tim is blaming me for his missing folder that I had absolutely nothing to do with. He is very protective of his folders, he went a little overboard calling that detective in this afternoon.

I had to call Ryan a yenta today after seeing "The Goldberg's" last night. He went off and told the story about Ferguson at work.

Bill said that Toni gets the Wedding Countdown ceiling hanging thingy after Bill's done with it. 

It's a good thing the bathroom door lock got fixed or Val would have been halfway in the bathroom by the time he realized that I was in their today.

I read an article about a former long island banana importer who admitted to running a cocaine distribution scheme and who had a three way sex party but one of the women died of an overdose so now he's in big trouble. Then on top of it he embezzled $800,000 from his companies retirement account to pay for his legal fees. This reminds me of something and this time it's not Roger.

*not to be construed as Gossip

04/22/2015

The Daily Chatter*

04/22/2015

"Come back to my lair." Tim to some woman

Roger asked Tim if he was referring to eating man balls or actual edible nuts.

If Bruce Jenner is going to be a woman he needs to find some better clothing options. (The picture from behind was worse).

"Everything was fine until you messed up my pub mix." Bill to Mary

According to MSN you are not supposed to mention "jungle fever, snowbunny, once you go black... and how do your parents feel?" to an interracial couple. They obviously don't know how tactful Roger says all of these lines because he makes friends everywhere he goes. Just ask the Fed Ex Store guy.

Tim went home because he wasn't feeling well. What kind of nuts was he eating?

"I can still pile Nikki crap on him." Mary about Toni

I keep forgetting to ask Toni if he hid the ring from Nikki in his fanny pack? Ryan reminded me that Toni has one of those because we saw it on Halloween a few years ago.

"I can only assume that you pissed him off." Bill to Mary

*not to be construed as Gossip

04/21/2015

The Daily Chatter*

04/21/2015

It's Facebook official now that Toni and Nikki are engaged. 

"Mr. Selfridge" is getting very scandalous even though Roxanne denies her whole involvement. 

"Roger told me to piss off." Tim

"Half of that is mine." Bill about the pub mix on Mary's desk, so he drew a line on the container and wrote his name

Apparently Ferguson isn't married anymore or his wife moved to his home in Arizona because she didn't like his will.

Michael should also be on our BBQ crap list but I'm not positive that I invited him but still that's not excuse to miss it....

According to Steve his daughters don't know what Porn is and Tim may have ruined that for them on Friday.

Seriously why do people still believe these emails/facebooks things are true? I remember back in the day when Seth the installer told Bill that his parents were going to make a fortune off of their forwarded emails.

I find it really queer that Mary borrowed Bill's nighty and also that Bill had a nighty like this. Maybe he just liked the feel of the soft silky material up against his body.

*not to be construed as Gossip

04/20/2015

The Daily Chatter*

04/20/2015

"Geez, you guys are embarrassing." Tim about Bill and Toni and their shoes


"I can probably get $10.50 because I'm such a great guy." Tim about his hot dog idea after I told him Costco sell theirs and a drink for $1.50

"It sucks that I know that now." Toni about Mary and her topless table top dancing with only socks that Chris always reminds her about

"Bill's wearing Star Wars shoes..." Typhinee thinking things are getting really queer around here

Roger is a trend setter. He wore the same exact outfit that Steven Tyler wore last night at the ACM Awards to our BBQ on Friday.

Toni actually ran into Vic our rep and his smoking hot wife when he was over on Whidbey.

We really should have had the day off today, the guy who played Gilbert on "Anne of Green Gables" died over the weekend, he was only 48. That was one of my favorite movies as a kid.

*not to be construed as Gossip

04/17/2015

The Daily Chatter*

04/17/2015

For some reason Nikki must have said yes to Toni because they are engaged.

Bill has already threatened to give Toni marital advice in 28 days.

Somebody needs to can Darcy, Toni doesn't like her and I don't like her and she's a ridiculous project manager who is apparently too busy to read emails or listen to her voicemails as she told me on the phone today. 

Speaking of canning people, Randy canned Cody but then Mary rehired him..Cody did break a bunch of Heinken at the end of the evening so he's probably on probation or working as an intern again.

Everyone missed Dot and Crystal equally today. Jay with Emser and Chris with Shaw made our BBQ sh*t list though. 

The one year we offer a reward for someone to shave Matt's face, he decides not to get drunk. I guess I should be proud of him but I really wanted to shave his face.

Roger warned Ryan that only 99% of what I write about him is factual.

FYI, if you want to tell someone they "look different" don't follow that with "are you pregnant?" like someone did to me today.

Bill and Cody have been keeping stories from me and I don't appreciate it. Apparently when Bill and Roxanne visited the LeMay Car Museum they were in the middle of some sort of game where they were competing and Chris came up behind Roxanne and started with his dirty old man talk in her ear and Roxanne not knowing who this pervert was she was about to try her jujitsu moves on this guy and Bill for not protecting her. Apparently that's about the same time that Bill started laughing so Roxanne only attacked Bill which explains why he's been in pain this week.

Bill's idol made a special appearance at our BBQ and luckily we remembered to hang our awesome decorations for him before he got there.

*not to be construed as Gossip

04/16/2015

The Daily Chatter*

04/16/2015

There will be a prize at our BBQ to anyone who can get Matt drunk enough and shave his face.

Tim called Toni's shoes gay this morning. Then Roger pointed out that they are Cougar colors which Tim should love. Then Roger also mentioned that all of this was coming from the man who dressed up in a onesie bunny suit.

Then new bathroom soap is "too femmie" for Roger.

I found out Tim didn't invite his family to the BBQ this year because he's not going to be here much. Typhinee pointed out that maybe we'll like his family more than him so he needs to invite them. That's the least he can do since he has most of our installers tied up on jobs.

Roger was talking about Jelly Beans and Sex today. I hope he shares that story at the BBQ tomorrow.

Mary said that Toni has his mom in his phone as birth giver.

Roger for some reason told me that I couldn't talk about how hot he thinks Eric Church, the country singer is.

Roger seems to endorse Depends.

Bill has no faith in any of us, he thought we we're going to sit on the warehouse floor for the BBQ tomorrow.

Roxanne was trying to get the party started in Bill's office one day early. Bill scolded her for opening beer in their and then of course made out with her.

Bing seems to be hitting all of Roger's phobias lately. I wonder what they'll have on their webpage tomorrow?

Mary's so freaking excited, she's going to explode.

*not to be construed as Gossip

04/15/2015

The Daily Chatter*

04/15/2015

I came up with my million dollar idea, GPS App with Roger's voice.Wouldn't it be soothing to hear:
"You F*cking moron you missed your exit, now you owe me a Starbucks." "What are you, f*cking Asian?" "You're a F*cking Lunatic." "You're not doing what I said!!!" or Roger trying to hit on you while you're doing the speed limit with his famous "You don't sweat much for a fat girl/guy." When the app turns on he would give you his list of requirements, one being that you have to hit all chickens and birds and put them out of their misery so that he never has to deal with them.

Speaking of Roger phobias, Bing had a picture of a blue monkey from Kenya on their website today.

Percy Sledge died yesterday, he was the one who sang "When a Man Loves a Woman".

Tim says he doesn't play fair so don't ever race him in a race car of all things.

It sounds like Roxanne is getting so much praise at work that her head is going to explode and before her wedding of all things. 

Dot, I have to openly invite you to the BBQ this Friday because I'm sure that Roger hasn't mentioned it because he wants Crystal all to himself.

Toni's acting odd, it's probably because he's going on vacation tomorrow.

*not to be construed as Gossip

04/14/2015

The Daily Chatter*

04/14/2015

Ryan and I were at the mall last night and we both noticed a lady who was blasting some sort of really annoying Muslim chants on her phone or some really distorted walkman and after she walked out the door I turned to Ryan and told him that was a good way for her to get shot. Yes, I was feeling very Roger like after I said that.

"Have you called Thompson Tile lately?"  Bill    No, why? me  "I don't know what kind of phone system they have but they all sound sexy."  "Even Steve?" Me  "That would be the ultimate test." Bill

Bill thinks he fixed the bathroom door lock today but I asked Roxanne to come in later to check his work.

"As a straight guy I'm not afraid to say he's a good looking guy." Roger

"He made me wish I had another daughter or a gay son." Mary

"Don't yell at me." Roger to Mary

Mary wants her freaking fries and Bill's not hurrying....If Bill goes missing I'll know what happened. 

 *not to be construed as Gossip

04/13/2015

The Daily Chatter*

04/13/2015

Bill claims that his credit card number was stolen and someone tried to buy airline tickets to Etheopia but I'm think he's lying just to make himself feel important.

Tim for some reason thinks Ferguson is more technically challenged than himself.

Bad news for Nikki, the beach house rented this weekend and Toni still doesn't want to come to our BBQ.

Apparently Friday was the day for road rage. Cody mentioned that some guy lost his temper over nothing and finally threw something at the van and then sped off in the carpool lane. Ryan and I were on 167 and a car moved over into the right lane with plenty of room to spare and the truck in back of him started honking  and then he decided to move right next to him and swerve over into the car's lane to try to push them off the road.

Mary wants Tim to wear his bunny suit and walk around table to table with this get up at our BBQ.

I found this quote on FB that I thought was pretty funny. "I'm pretty sure they call it "almond milk" because no one would buy it if they called it "nut juice"."

Bill mentioned his sister didn't get an invitation to the wedding. I think Roger was correct in thinking that Bill is going to have a completely made up actor family at his wedding.  He probably went to www.rentanactor.com. I hope his dad turns out to be someone lively like Charlie Sheen it will be great for "The Chatter". 

Ryan and I finally watched the Amazon pilot of "The Man in the High Castle" so now we know what Bill and Roger know (scary thought). 

*not to be construed as Gossip

04/10/2015

The Daily Chatter*

04/10/2015

Bill's upset with me because I have awesome ideas.

Apparently I'm a Debbie Downer because I told Bill and Toni that I didn't think Paul Walker was going to be in the next "Fast & Furious" movie, all because he's been staying at Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Hollywood for the last year and a half.

Mary was screaming and yelling at Tim in her car when she called in today. What on earth did he do?

My countdown to vacation is on, three weeks to go and the BBQ is in one week:)

Roxanne saved the day. She swam to the bottom of the company pool and fixed the drain filter so that the guests could use the pool again.

"F*ck me to tears, talking to that woman is like poking me in the eye with a stick." Tim about his conversation with Crystal

Toni had a weird thing happen to him today. He went to a business to drop off some keys, he knew nobody was there so he was instructed to leave the keys in a certain place. While he's trying to do this some homeless looking man who just got up and out of his van comes over and asks him (Toni) what he's doing. Toni says something about leaving some keys for someone and the guy says you can leave them with me. Toni proceeds to tell the guy that there's no way he's not leaving them with him and then he gets a call and the guy on the other line tells him he needs to leave the keys with the guy living in his van.

*not to be construed as Gossip

04/09/2015

The Daily Chatter*

04/09/2015

"Crystal is going to be the death of me." Typhinee  

I think the Fed Ex lady called the cops on Cody this morning, one look at him and they knew he was bad news, she probably knows his dad. He claims that she was a new girl and dialed 9 for an outside line and 1 but then didn't think she pressed 1 so she pressed it again and the cops showed up. 

I thought this was pretty amazing, a bob cat in Florida went and found a shark for dinner. If only they would take care of all of the sharks, I would be grateful to them.

I taught Typhinee a thing or two about tape today in a weird conversation.

Bill brought Roxanne back to the office with him today. I wonder if he was instructed to do so or he might end up with another broken something....

*not to be construed as Gossip

04/08/2015

The Daily Chatter*

04/08/2015

Tim is a bad influence on Bill. Bill said yes to something and he decided he would figure it out (how to make it work) later.

Toni is still scarred by the memory of Carmen the temp. It's so bad that his forehead vein pops out.

"Where is that big bastard?" Toni about Tim

"Don't call me easy." Mary to Tim (She doesn't want to feel the guilt).

Toni didn't know the rice-a-roni song and so he didn't understand why and what Nikki was singing last night. Was he not allowed to watch TV when he was a kid?

It sounds like Typhinee and Roger are keeping tallies of each others mistakes/inconveniences. For example Roger blames Typhinee for the appointment that he went to today where he says he needs to shower afterwards. Just because he did some kinky stuff and wants a shower shouldn't be Typhinee's fault unless she told the lady to come to her door in her underwear?

"Gosh he has weird phobia's" Mary about Roger

Apparently the home owner at Roger's (dirty) appointment had chickens and Roger doesn't like chickens unless they are dead and in the oven, all because he had a traumatic experience when he was six. Remind me never to invite Roger to a zoo.

*not to be construed as Gossip

04/07/2015

The Daily Chatter*

04/07/2015

After watching the Goldbergs I've been inspired to make custom puffy paint sweatshirts with bedazzling jewels on them. Maybe I'll make one for Roger first.

Stupid Comcast our phone wouldn't stop ringing today and we also couldn't pick up the call.

A weird size hole was cut in the wire mesh top of our dumpster. Bill claims that they didn't leave a note or anything.

Cody thinks Damon is our new carpet sales person.

"I was just suedo molested (at T&A of all places)." Toni

 "Were you asking for it?" Bill to Toni about being molested  He probably wore his shorty shorts in there, the sun came out briefly today.

"I need her." Tim about Mary

Toni and Tim were exchanging some interesting bottles in the parking lot. I would expect this behavior out of Roger and Tim but not Toni.

I know Michael misses us (ok so he misses Mary) and that's why he came in yesterday.

*not to be construed as Gossip

04/06/2015

The Daily Chatter*

04/06/2015

I told Bill the BBQ was coming up because it's next Friday. He said not to be concerned with the BBQ but with his wedding. Has anyone told him yet that this wedding is all about Roxanne and it has very little to do with him?

Tim told us he quit today because Bill made a RFMS update.

"F*ck me raw." Tim to Bill (I really shouldn't have been around for that)

Bill had to recite the Pledge of Allegiance for his in-laws yesterday. I think that's the last time they'll want to have him over.


I didn't see Stacy yesterday so it's a good thing he came in for his wedding invitation today.

"I have some integrity." Stacy    No, I'm pretty sure he doesn't.

Stacy also claims to have left his previous company for the new company he's working for.

*not to be construed as Gossip

04/03/2015

The Daily Chatter*

04/03/2015

Bill came in with another black eye, he's really looking quite beat up this week. This time I think it's because Roxanne is mad at the postal service for not delivering all of their wedding invitations. 

Tim's the man, he killed a spider, barehanded, for me today. 

According to Bill, Toni is a "dick-faced liar." 

"I never heard Papa Smurf say any of that stuff." Bill while he was on the phone and playing beer pong at his desk

Bill came in and told me that Roxanne finally switched to BECU. I couldn't believe that he was engaged to someone without that already being a prerequisite. He just blew my whole world today, I'm going to need to weekend to recover from this.

I totally called it yesterday. Roger got his way and saw Showgirls last night. Poor Dot, I can totally see the despairing pain of marrying Roger in this picture.

I hope everyone has a great Easter!

*not to be construed as Gossip

04/02/2015

The Daily Chatter*

04/02/2015

Rick's email was hacked or else he was trying to tell me that I'm fat.

Bill likes 9 year old boys...creepy.

Dot for some reason bought Roger tickets to see Larry David last night. I guess she was probably sick and tired of him throwing temper tantrums out in public and gave in just to get him to shut up. I'm sure he probably started the same routine over today but today he wants to see some Showgirls.

"Even though my joke (April Fool's) didn't work she thinks she has to get even." Bill about Roxanne What's up with you women?

"He's dead to me." Howard about Tim because he didn't show up for the PK Meeting this morning. Toni should be on that same crap list too.

Tim brought up somebodies name that he wasn't supposed to mention and Bill went on a ten minute long rant about Roger's BFF. Poor Toni's confused because he's never met the guy. All I'm hoping for is to not run into him at The Lobershop this weekend, like I think I did last Easter Sunday.  If I see him, I'll make sure to invite him to the wedding. I would give him my invitation but I wasn't officially invited so I don't have one.   

"Why would you say that any pictures of Roxanne and me are gross?" Bill to Mary

Toni thought Cody was crazy for eating the skin on a mango. That's not why Cody's crazy. 

*not to be construed as Gossip

04/01/2015

The Daily Chatter*

04/01/2015

Beware of Whoopee Cushions, it's April Fool's Day!

For those of us who are special, like me, to be Amazon Prime members there is a nifty button (that connects to wifi) that we can now click and order crap from when our stock is getting low.
https://www.amazon.com/oc/dash-button?tag=mh0b-20&hvadid=7005681081&hvqmt=e&hvbmt=bb&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_5ye8oli42e_b

Don't go to Steve if you want him to support your drug habit. (I'm talking about Bill and Mary (obviously) who both have razor blades and mirrors on their desk).

Roger made it to New York. Now lets see how long he can stay out of trouble.

I didn't realize that John Lennon was married before Yoko, his first wife died today. I wonder if she was crazy too?

"I'm feeling very old and like a senior." Mary

Tim jumped on us (Typhinee and me) for bad mouthing Marty. I know it won't be long and he'll bad mouth him too.

Tim wanted silk leopard print sheets until Typhinee told him that they're hot in sleep in.

I think Roxanne set Bill straight on what to do with the invitations, he came in with a black eye and couldn't walk very well. He claims he fell down the elevator shaft but seriously who does he think he is, Bruce Willis?

Watch out Arlington, Matt and Steve are shacking their tonight. Those boys sure have some odd requests: one twin bed, Toni's shorty shorts, rose petals on the bed and in the toilet, Pabst beer (of course), a banana suit and Ichiban, lipstick for men.

*not to be construed as Gossip