01/31/2019

The Daily Chatter*

01/31/2019

"My wife was pushing out babies for the last several years and I don't want to fly with them." Bill to a customer on the phone.

I've been telling everyone that I have an eating disorder because of Michael so far I'm getting a lot of sympathy.

According to Bill sarcasm is when a women says that you're right.

"I just need someone to hear me out because my wife won't." Bill    Probably because his wife is too busy going around hugging other women who she thinks are Mary (apparently this happened in Orlando).

Toni brought Larry in today and Larry seems to be a ladies man unlike his owner.

I love how Bill tells everyone that I made him watch "The Office". I guess duct taping him to his desk chair and playing all of  the episodes in front of him and not letting him get up until he was finished is kind of psycho but at least he likes the show now.

The Whatever Board of the Day

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/30/2019

The Daily Chatter*

01/30/2019

I just found out that Michael and I are going to be on vacation at the same time again. I'm beginning to think that Michael and I are really inseparable.

Michael claims that Tim is his crack dealer, just in case anyone else is interested.

I was telling somebody today that if Typhinee doesn't know something that she'll look you up and down until she knows all of your secrets. This happened to me recently and I felt completely violated.

One of our subs apparently came into the shop and asked our guys about Toni's sexual orientation. Josh and Matt now have the guy believing what the rest of us think and the guy knows that Toni's married. I really wish I could have been there for that conversation, I would have pulled out all of my special Toni pictures.

Tim's wife came in today and reassured all of us that Tim can't retire because he has too many toys and that he keeps buying more. Then Tim might as well just sign the Not to Retire Form and get his mug back.

The Whatever Board of the Day

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/29/2019

The Daily Chatter*

01/29/2019

My long lost lover Larry (who I still don't remember) called Toni out today and said "I hear she works with you". So somebody told Larry....Hopefully whomever this person was also told him that I didn't age gracefully.

Marty just got back from his Mexico cruise and he showed me how much sun he got on his chest. Is he going to expect me to show him my chest and my tan lines when I get back from my vacation? I'm pretty sure that my husband is going to object to that.

Roxanne saw this sign for Bill's TV and Entertainment Service while they were in Florida last week. She thought that her husband was a 70's stripper on the side. I argued because I could only picture him as a John Wayne impersonator & stripper since that's his favorite actor. I guess we'll probably find out in the near future since Roxanne is going to keep a better eye on Bill.

The Whatever Board of the Day

(It is an actual picture of Michael, unless Tim lied to me.)

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/28//2019

The Daily Chatter*

01/28/2019

I couldn't believe that Mary made me give her dog back yesterday.

Roger mentioned that there are a million other Roger's in the clown porn industry so he would like to go by Roger Anne from now on, Anne is his wife's middle name.

Tim's such a whiner, he told Mary that I stole his mug and thankfully Mary just told him that I always get what I want (except for her dog) so just sign the not to retire form. She even threatened him that I would take the rest of his stuff.

FYI, straight men shouldn't wear flowered jackets and sparkly pants. It's very confusing when you sit behind them and hear a man talking and wonder where the heck that voice is coming from.

The last time that Typhinee saw Kellen she mentioned that he kept asking her where Will was (instead of Bud). We're assuming it's because Kellen liked starting his conversations with Bud with a "Will you..." (which is actually fairly polite compared to how Steve asks Toni for things).  This is starting to make sense now in my mind that Kellen had a thing for Sarah, Toni and Bud. It's just too bad that Kellen didn't get his chance to dress Bud up like he did Toni (as George Clooney).

The Whatever Board of the Day

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/25/2019

The Daily Chatter*

01/25/2019

I'm starting to question the whole truth behind Typh's statement of the Kellen girl butt issue. She was telling Bud yesterday that Kellen is shorter than she is which is an absolute lie. If you know your KK facts he claims that he's 5'7" but he's probably 5'6".

Heather has some very strange items in her desk.

We're going to have to find a new tile sub one of ours just called Riley a kitty.

The Whatever Board of the Day

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/24/2019

The Daily Chatter*

01/24/2019

When Tim was rummaging through Bill's desk yesterday looking for his hot cocoa cup he stopped and said something about "this would make good ransom material". It left me scratching my head wondering what on earth he found that Bill was hiding in his desk (that was better than pictures of Vegas hookers with Bill) that I hadn't found already from my weekly rummagings.

Bill's kind of brutal when he's on vacation, he told Tim that he didn't care what he did to Toni in revenge for his mug. I'm sorry but we need Toni so we're going to have to find another K.K. (besides I need good Daily Chatter material).

Roger accused me today of not liking somebody that I don't think I even know. Understandably I probably wouldn't like the guy so I should just thank Roger for warning me.

Poor Heather, both Typhinee and I asked her if there were crayons in the cookies that she and her son made last night, we really are arrogant and ungrateful people.

The Whatever Board of the Day

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/23/2019

The Daily Chatter*

01/23/2019

Tim got another note about his mug and also a not to retire contract, he hasn't signed it yet but he has retaliated by stealing one of Bill's stuffed animals.

Tim is such a lost puppy dog without his hot chocolate mug, it's pitiful. I'm not sure why everyone is grilling me about the mug, technically Bud stole it. 

We gave the new guy, Bryan, Bill's office for the week. I thought it would help in case Tim wanted to try to steal more of Bill's stuff. 

Ryan and I have been watching "The Crown" and last night in one of the episodes the guards shouted at Jackie Kennedy to "make way for the Queen's guards". I told Ryan that he could announce himself like that when we are in public. I have a feeling that he'll out diva me though, he has the wave down too perfectly so he'll definitely want to portray the Queen. 

The Whatever Board of the Day 

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/22/2019

The Daily Chatter*

01/22/2019

Toni doesn't want to be the Sheriff around here because conflict makes him uncomfortable so please call Steve because Steve's nicknames are all true.

Marty told me the other night in my dream that Bud needs an attitude adjustment and Marty would never lie to me.

Toni thought it smelled like Kool Aid in here and I thought it smelled like Kellen eating fruity candy but it turned out to be Typhinee's candle.

I totally weirded Toni out today. Now I know what to say to him when I want him to leave my office.

I'm not really sure what kind of a trade show that Bill and Mary are at but I got this picture from Roxanne. If they decide to bring back snakes I won't be ok with it and besides that thing would eat Riley.

The Whatever Board of the Day

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/21/2019

The Daily Chatter*

01/21/2019

Our weekend cleaning crew recognized Mary's dog because "she's chubby". Once Mary finds out we're going to have to find new cleaners.

Now that Steve finally got to tell some more people his Poo story on Friday Ashley, Sarah and Typhinee are all seeing him in a different light and are constantly telling him to shower.

It's all Toni's fault that The Daily Chatter was all about Bill on Friday, he distracted me with work and I didn't get a chance to proof read it.

Sarah was absolutely right, Roger definitely chatted way too long with the crazy customers who wouldn't let him into their house because he washed his clothes with scented detergent after they specifically requested no cologne. On top of that they informed him that their "allergies" came from flying too much and he even knew that their daughter didn't visit them.

Ryan and I drove by the place that Roger's supposed to be working from now on so I took the opportunity to leave a bunch of Roger quotes graffitied on the outside of their building. I'm pretty sure he's going to be begging for his job back any day now.

Heather seems to get upset a lot. First she was hurt because Bill didn't include her in the email about inappropriate places to be seen with the company vehicle and now she tells me that she's deathly afraid of clowns and can't work around Michael.

Toni seems very distraught that somebody keeps telling them that there are whales in Lake Washington.

Due to another company copyrighting and trademarking their own Kellen Board we had to change our board to The Whatever Board (hence the new face).

The Whatever Board of the Day

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/18/2019

The Daily Chatter*

01/18/2019

I asked Bill if he could make the new handbook with company vehicle expectations with pictures. I'm a visual person so I would like to see our company van with Bill in it at all of the different places that he thinks are unacceptable with the no symbol through them.

Bill thinks that Faith is the most mature person here. He said she doesn't laugh at any of his inappropriate jokes.

I was absolutely sure that Stacy was going to come in since I had the picture of him and labeled it slimeball on Roger's going away pictures but I apparently missed him.

Indeed asked for Bill's resume today, his computer has definitely been listening to him.

Bill was worthless the other day when I asked him what episode of Cheers that Roger was in. Luckily I was able to search an old Daily Chatter and found it.

The Kellen Board of the Day 

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/17/2019

The Daily Chatter*

01/17/2019

Happy Birthday Steve!

I blame Heather for distracting me last night when I needed to leave so it's because of her that I forgot to send the link for The Daily Chatter.

Bill's least favorite stripper name is Allen.

Odd but good news Tim. We got a ransom letter and a partial picture on your mug today.

I've already admitted to being the person who drove the company van to the bikini barista's the other day, it's a little embarrassing that my husband didn't realize that it was me. Bill completely understood after he heard that Kellen was working there and I just wanted to check out his butt to see if Typhinee was right.

Bill claims that his wife uses the wrong words all the time and this was his shocker the other night "oh they're having kids the same time that we are."  To clarify, they are not pregnant again.

In honor of Steve's birthday, Kellen kept with Steve's forever birthday theme.

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/16/2019

The Daily Chatter*

01/16/2019

Bill asked me if I was looking for Kellen behind the door this morning in the break room and I told him that the swiffer mop would make an excellent Kellen stick. He informed me that I have some weird hobbies.

Bill wants me to add him as a contributor to The Daily Chatter, he wants to put it on his resume so that he can go and work with Roger, he's had enough of us.

Tim's very upset with Roger right now for abandoning us. I think Tim's going to start his own Roger board.

Kellen tried talking to me in my dreams the other night but I think I woke up before I heard what he wanted to say.

Serge's business partner was trying to fill out his airport paperwork and he had to ask what to put down for race and Serge told him Caucasian. This guy not being fluent with English apparently thought Serge was telling him Cock Asian, he didn't have any clue as to what Caucasian meant.

"Kellen was right, the place is falling apart without him." Bill

Toni asked Bill what he was doing with his kids next week (since Bill and Mary will be at a trade show in Orlando). Toni then mentioned that kids can go a week without eating. I sure hope that Nikki has this kid thing worked out because June is going to be here way too soon.

Tim's blue cup is missing and he's very concerned about it. If found please call him while he's on vacation.

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/15/2019

The Daily Chatter*

01/15/2019

I was telling Ryan about one of my odd quirks that I noticed that I was doing the other day and mentioned that I think my co-workers are going to start doing a board with me on it pretty soon.

Bill is definitely the best friend that someone could ever wish for, he's great at spreading rumors and I always thought that was Michael's department. He told Toni that Mary has been served papers at work. I'm sure Toni's going to go home and tell his wife that her parents are divorcing. What Bill forgot to mention was that the papers were for the wrong M.G.

Bud seriously wanted to know where to go to for tires.....He really needs to look at our Kellen board a little closer.

"I can't hear women when they talk." Bill as he completely ignored me

My husband called me the most masculine woman that he's ever met. I'm really not sure if that's much of a compliment.

It was so sweet of Heather to try to put her pain and misery on me today, I appreciated the gesture.

Bud's on a mission to make our warehouse smell pretty, I'm apparently going to have to go somewhere else from now on to smell sweaty men.

John introduced Mary as his girl today. That's Kellen's phrase for his girlfriend. Is this a sign of things to come? Is John going to be another Kellen?

"Whew, I got lucky." Bill while all the men were at the warehouse today (he was also gone an extremely long time, I should probably look into the camera footage for that and see which one he picked)

The Kellen Board of the Day

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/14/2019

The Daily Chatter*

01/14/2019

Apparently Roxanne isn't the only one who likes to get her coffee from the titty barista. Ryan saw an Apex van go through one on Saturday (so we have at lease one straight man around here).

Toni thinks that I follow him everywhere. He was insistent that I had tried Randy's favorite coffee concoction multiple times, I informed Bill who was in the room at the time that I drink at heavily at work.

Toni told me today that he and Steve ran into one of my old admirers (from Newcastle days) on their airport job and I have no idea who this guy is. My biggest clue was supposed to be that he used to call me April, May, June (which every old guy does and thinks is funny).

Roger doesn't understand what he's doing to himself. He's leaving us and starting a new job and then his wife is going to leave him for the whole month of February to go to Australia again. He's going to be so messed up and there's a huge possibility that his new co-workers aren't going to think that he's funny which is going to be devastating to him.

I'm super stoked, the group of men are coming back tomorrow to help in the warehouse. I wonder if my man made the cut?

The Kellen Board of the Day

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/11/2019

The Daily Chatter*

01/11/2019

After pondering why a black man would be cat calling me, I have to ask myself do I have a black woman's bootie? I guess I'll have to ask Typhinee because she's the only one who could explain Kellen's butt to me in detail.

Nikki really needs to buy Toni some socks. He was in here last Saturday without any shoes or socks on.

Heather wants Kellen's leggings, they are super cute today.

I told Bill that he was the straightest guy here this week.

"Keep on selling Bill, keep making us the cheese." Toni trying to take over Tim's odd sayings

Apparently Michael needs to get his hand slapped, he was trying to dress Kellen today and that is my job and my very weird obsession. I'll have to make him his own Kellen if he wants to dress him.

According to Toni and Bill they don't know how Tim got married, they don't think he's good around women. Tim, I personally don't know what they're talking about.

Another neighbor of Sarah's told her husband that they thought she was banging a UPS guy at lunch.I told her that I was going to stalk her just to see what she's been wearing around the yard and why her neighbors like to start so many rumors.

Typhinee was concerned that I was going to the dark side with Kellen today which is really odd coming from her (Heather is definitely right about Typh having some feelings for him).  My only defense is that I can totally see Kellen saying this. Have you all forgotten about the naked woman on his phone picture...enough said.

The Kellen Board of the Day

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/10/2019

The Daily Chatter*

01/10/2019

Do I look like a hooker today because I just got cat called by one of our labor ready guys. I guess I should maybe stop wearing sheer clothing.

I'm starting to think all of our guys are gay. Bud told me something very concerning today or either it's possibly the most brilliant thing I've heard for possibly picking up women, I'm not sure.

"That was the best money I've ever made." Tim about Kellen's tire business

I broke the news to my husband already that one of the labor ready guys was going to join us on our date tonight.

I'm pretty sure whatever adhesive the warehouse used today got our whole office high because I broke the unwritten rule of talking to someone in the bathroom while the door was closed and Typhinee's probably going to slap me for it.

Toni just found out that my husband is a professional football player.

The Kellen Board of the Day

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/09/2019

The Daily Chatter*

01/09/2019

Michael pretended to be stuck in the middle of some rolls of carpet today and Tim being the nice guy that he is ran over to help him. Bill said he would have just put more carpet on top of Michael.

Now Typhinee is cornering men and asking them if sitting or standing while going number one is easier for them. She claims that it was quite a heated debate for her and Heather today but we all know she just likes asking men these personal questions. I think it's become a checklist item for her to know since she is such a busybody.

Toni was complaining that his office smelled worse than a Minnesota whorehouse. Bill and I were talking that Toni would know what that smelled like considering Toni's shorty shorts made the trip with Matt and Steve to Minnesota when they did some flooring training....

Here's a blast from the past.

Sarah's neighbors think that she's getting nooners from some random UPS driver  (her husband now comes home for lunch since he has a different route).

The Kellen Board of the Day

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/08/2019

The Daily Chatter*

01/08/2019

Bill would like to change the company name to Awkward Flooring since he and I were making Toni feel very awkward this morning.

Typhinee and Heather were talking about making out but ultimately that wouldn't work out for them because Heather hates cats.

Apparently Mary's husband lacks motivation which is hilarious if you know Randy.

Note to self, do not call Ashley's dog anything other than her sweet little name.

Tim found the camera in the showroom and had to dance a little jig in front of it.

Bill and I heard some horrible squeaking coming out of the warehouse and I just assumed that somebody backed over Kellen since he was supposed to come in today and then I started laughing uncontrollably.

Typhinee actually talked to the real Kellen today when he was here so she'll have to fill us in on all of the details later.

The Kellen Board of the Day

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/07/2019

The Daily Chatter*

01/07/2019

Apparently Roger now thinks that he's a trust fund baby because he gave his two week notice today.

Bill had an exciting weekend, he had two young girls come to his home at 3 in the morning on Sunday wanting to charge their phones. Apparently they picked his place because he was the only one in his neighborhood with a light on (his daughters night light). I can't believe that he actually got out of bed to party with them without his wife.

Ashley brought her dog in today and it just barked and growled at all of the men. I'm not sure how she's planning on getting a new man in her life with that thing around.

For those of you who have missed out on our too small of a board to be a Kellen board (but it is).

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/04/2019

The Daily Chatter*

01/04/2019

Katherine is improving around Michael. Michael did face the other direction when he saw her but she is warming up to the idea of him slightly.

Ashley stood Michael up after he said he would pay for the first seven rounds of drinks, what a B*%@$h.

What is wrong with Ashley, she was mystified by Toni's shorts on Kellen's shirt. Really because that was the picture that I gave to Nikki at her bridal shower asking her why she was going through with the wedding.

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/03/2019

The Daily Chatter*

01/03/2019

Michael and Tim tried telling me that they went to see strippers instead of having lunch. First of all I know that has to be a lie because Tim won't give up a meal, second Tim's too cheap to spend cash on babes unless he's bribing these chicks to work for him and to make him cash.

Ashley is apparently going to come in tomorrow looking like Heather. She's going to Heather's stylist tonight.

I swear my Lyft driver today told me that I was his first ride.....It's not a reassuring statement and if he was joking then it wasn't funny because I didn't understand satire with his accent.

*not to be construed as Gossip

01/02/2019

The Daily Chatter*

01/02/2019

Michael's a little off his game today, he really thought Monday was going to be his last day of work because he had plans to win the mega millions. Needless to say he had to show up today despite all of the partying he did over New Years.

Typhinee always has to ruin my stories, I told her I was out hunting eagles on New Years Day and then she asked me what I was really doing. Why can't I have any awesome bar fight stories like she does?  (Sarah, don't worry I don't believe Typh, I'm sure this guy would just hug her if he saw her again.)

 Bill decided to MacGyver his way into his office over the weekend after forgetting his keys at home. Now he looks like Roxanne beat the crap out of his arm. He decided he had a ladder to get in through the ceiling tiles of his office.

We are now a copy center, an old man came in today just to ask me to make him copies of something.

*not to be construed as Gossip