12/31/2014

The Daily Chatter*

12/31/2014

Cody wants to fire someone today.

The blue BMW is back. Maybe that guy sold back the downgrade that he purchased for the same car that he had.

Roger says he wants to live in Sammamish if he had lots of money, you'll have to ask him why. He mentioned to me that his turrets were acting up again.

I'm afraid to ask if this is the only reason why Bill and Roxanne are getting married.

"I always thought Mary was a tweeker." Roger

Typhinee broke Toni's heart today, she told him that Crystal was all done with him and that she (Crystal) is all into her (Typhinee) now.

"It's fun you should try it." Mary about her porn habit at work

The almond rocca genie put candy in Tim's coffee cup this morning and now he expects it everyday of the year, good going Toni.

"I'm good at keeping dirty little secrets so you don't need to worry about me." Mary

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/30/2014

The Daily Chatter*

12/30/2014

Toni thinks girls with mullets are sexy.

"It's a b*tch getting old." Roger

Serge is a freaking liar but I should be happy. He promised/threatened last week to bring in some Ukrainian pastries for Christmas and he hasn't yet.

"It's taking a sh*t on me." Toni about his computer

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/29/2014

The Daily Chatter*

12/29/2014

"I'm happy when you're happy and sad when you're sad." Roger sucking up to me for some reason

Toni is the Almond Rocca genie according to Tim. I don't think he'll say that when we run out.

Don't touch Bill's monkey, it makes awful creepy noises.

"F*%$ she sounds just like my wife." Tim about Mary

We should be so proud, Matt said he managed not to get arrested over Christmas. 

Ryan and I have been re-watching all of "Downton Abbey" so if I scold you for not addressing me properly it's all because of that show. Ryan already thinks he needs a valet to dress him in the morning and I need a ladies maid of course.

Ryan and I thought we were going to be able to try out our new showshoes at Mount Rainier yesterday but our car tire chains didn't fit so we ended up hiking out of the lodge at Longmire. We climbed a very large hill where we encountered a magical unicorn (the thing only had one horn, what else could it be?) then we climbed some more hill and ended up passing through the seven levels of the Candy Cane forest, through the sea of swirly twirly gum drops, and then I walked through the Lincoln Tunnel. It was a really bizarre day. Luckily we got back to our car right before it turned scary. So that is our winter wonderland tale in a nutshell.

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/24/2014

The Daily Chatter*

12/24/2014

Roger obviously doesn't like Cody. He made him deliver lvt and laminate to two different jobsites today.

Roxanne let Bill open one of his gifts early because she didn't think it would be acceptable at a Mormon family Christmas. I'm really not sure why she thought that....

Jason called about his year end stuff today and I asked about his baby mama and he mentioned that she was now his girlfriend but that's probably old news. 

Bill thinks icork is making a bunch of noise and are going to leave sooner than later. Toni's going to be heart broken.

Bill thought it was Ugly Christmas Sweater competition day but he didn't invite any of us to participate, apparently he thought there was going to be a prize...He's going to have to settle for some more chocolate because that's all we have left.

Cody thought that Typhinee and Crystal were going to lunch together but that obviously didn't happen.

Crystal told Typhinee that she (crystal)  needed to go home and clean her house. I wonder what she think that entails? Flushing the toilet? Doing a load of laundry? Throwing a diaper in the garbage?

Some young punk yelled obscenities at Toni today when he got out of his car at work, oh wait that was Cody driving by. 

Marlon got two hugs out of me today. I think that was a little too much to pay for just a box of fudge.

 I found a shirt that Roger needs but I kind of doubt that Santa will bring him anything. Have you heard the things that come out of his mouth? It always amazes me that Roger can still swear with soap in his mouth, it just doesn't phase him.

I really hope that Cody and Toni still have girlfriends after this holiday. Cody returned the thing that he bought last night an hour later and Toni forgot the ring....

Merry Christmas everyone and if you're really good the Holiday Armadillo will visit you at the same time as Santa and Superman.

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/23/2014

The Daily Chatter*

12/23/2014

Roger had a booty call from Crystal at 9pm last night but he couldn't go because his wife is in town. It's probably a good thing he didn't go because Crystal didn't recall even calling Roger last night.

Steve doesn't want Bill helping him out on his jobsite. Bill's complaining that Steve doesn't appreciate him and he was the one who trained him.

"Maybe they're planning my birthday." Bill about Roger and Typhinee

Michael was tattling on Tim today for not being a team player.

Remember weeks ago when I offered to help Tim with his Christmas shopping ideas and he snubbed me...well today he wanted my help and it was too late.

Toni was out in the parking lot today hugging several men. Bill said it was better that he did that outside.

Bill told us to hide under our desks when Mary got here today. I told him that Mary wasn't Crystal and we didn't need to hide.

Bill and Toni are Debbie Downers today.

"Remember when I used to be nice." Bill

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/22/2014

The Daily Chatter*

12/22/2014

Matt says his girlfriend is in Arizona and he's on the loose just running amuck this week. Someone really needs to be babysitting him.

Joe Cocker died, apparently he had a little too much help from his friends. (bad joke but I couldn't resist)

Roger told Typhinee that she would be good at alphabetizing and organizing hell, wasn't that nice of him.

For those of you who need  a "Downton Abbey"/"Mr. Selfridge" Christmas fix with George Clooney. (2 videos)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ryo7fqdmcGQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=dO4UMQIsCW0

Toni is recommending this little concoction that he found at the liquor store over the weekend.  He's been trying to perfect his gin & tonic recipe all day today and I've been his guinea pig and I'm starting to feel a lot of Christmas Cheer.

Bill told me that he was about to call me Carmen today. I hope he does mean Carmen as in the crazy woman who almost broke our big printer, Carmen. If so I'm going to have to kick his a$$ along with Roger's. It's Bill's way of rebelling today because I'm wearing blue again.

Bill started complaining after lunch that Toni broke his (Bill's) car.

Toni just ruined "Home Alone" for me. He said his buddy texted him and mentioned that he was going to watch all of the "Home Alone's" tonight and on the list was a dirty Home Alone porno. 

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/19/2014

The Daily Chatter*

12/19/2014

I shamed Tim this morning with RFMS. I asked him to show me how he was going to fix what he just screwed up and he couldn't do it. I love having that kind of power over him:)

Mary's son Ryan missed his flight in Houston because they washed down the plane in Knoxville and it made them late.

"I would have paid $30.00 to see her sooner." Bill about Roxanne paying $25.00 to catch an earlier flight

Everyone should call Mary's home phone tonight at 10pm and get the laugh of their life. She chewed out a solicitor last night who has been calling for weeks at 10pm and she expects the same to happen tonight. 

I'm going to have to kick Roger's butt he pulled a Vance.  He better sleep with his eyes open tonight.

"I'm a total dumba$$." Toni

I got in trouble from Typhinee for repeating something that Toni said today.

According to Bill, Marty has animal magnetism. 

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/18/2014

The Daily Chatter*

12/18/2014

Cody's word of advise is to never go to Bath & Body Works during one of their Christmas candle sales. He said women were grabbing stuff out of his hands and the store was packed and the help couldn't restock fast enough and finally they just wheeled a stack of candles out and left them beside the display.

Bill had Toni take Roxanne's car to his place but Bill gave him her car fab instead of the garage door opener so Toni wasted a perfectly good hour of his life and accomplished nothing.

"Typhinee sent me to a crazy woman's house." Roger

 Roxanne may not come home if I tell her that it's crappy, cold and rainy here.

"Some questions I wish I never asked." Bill   (he must have been talking to Roger).

Roger just informed me that he's going to be gone tomorrow and Monday and he's blaming it on his daughter coming into town. I wasn't sure how we were going to survive but then I remembered that Tim will be back tomorrow.

Mary must be with Roxanne because Bank of America says she did lots of spending in California today. 

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/17/2014

The Daily Chatter*

12/17/2014

I informed Roger today that he could not eat our new bathroom hand soap (Lemon Meringue Cheer) and I also warned him that if he said something inappropriate that would not be the soap that we washed his mouth out with.

Howard says that I need to be asking Ryan for my cut of his game money since he plays football for the Arizona Cardinals. For some reason that doesn't look like my husband and to top it off this skinny punk is 10 years younger than I am and he's making me feel old.

"I can do anything." Typhinee   "That's why we're scared of you." me

Mary told Typhinee she has a job for life because she doesn't want to double cross her after she's been watching serial killer documentaries.

"I think I was just solicited for prostitution. As a prostitute by a truck driver named Chuck." Toni

"Are you talking about Roxanne?" Bill  "Yes we are always talking about Roxanne." me

The BMW guy a few doors down now has an older BMW that he is driving. Why is he still parking in the same place? Maybe he's embarrassed by his older BMW?

I'm about to kill one of Toni's contractors for being ridiculously confused. I think she drinks all day because Toni's had weird run ins with her too.

According to Toni, Chuck the truck driver was a pretty good lay.

"When you get to my age, that can kill you." Tim

Bill said he likes his car because it knows how to hug him. (He thinks there's a special button for that.)

"Jared's my guy." Bill to Tim

Bill just noticed that someone spilled coffee next to the island (which has been there for a few weeks now).

Toni doesn't like Jimmy Buffet yet he likes the Pina Colada song. 

"Believe it or not, I'm normal." Roger

We heard a rumor today that icork is moving....Toni's going to lose his honey.

"Just today alone, Roger has called you three worse things than that." Bill to Toni

"I was alone last night...it was really sad." Bill about his patheticness problems

Most of the US movie theaters have pulled the movie "The Interview" after Sony received 9/11 like threats from North Korea.

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/16/2014

The Daily Chatter*

12/16/2014

"You need to drop one of those ho's." Bill to Marty

Bill thinks I'm having an affair with Mary Anne's mom all because her name came up on caller id three times.

"What do you mean that your husband won't let you repeat my stories?" Roger to me

"I think I could get a lot of money for my body." Mary to Randy    Mary would like to start going to the hotel meetings from now on, she thinks that's prime picking.

I don't think Roxanne's going to want to come back home.

Roger says he lies to his wife about "The Chatter." He tells her that I make up everything about him and what he says.

Toni, Ryan Seacrest is single again....

Bill wanted to kill Tim today but Tim just made one of his sales goals today so Bill can't be too mad.

Typhinee's daughter came to work with her this afternoon and had to be subjected to Roger. Typhinee's going to have a lot of explaining to do tonight as to why it's not appropriate to say what Roger says.

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/15/2014

The Daily Chatter*

12/15/2014

Bill seems to be holding up pretty well considering that Roxanne is in California this week. I'm afraid to say it probably won't be this way later on in the week, he'll be all whinny and sniffley because he hasn't seen her in days which is like a lifetime in his world.

Bill mentioned to Roxanne that there is a water boarding Elf on the Shelf and Roxanne mentioned that she did that once. That girl has a weird past and now Bill knows not to upset her.

Mary was mad at Toni for making her sound like a pervert with her kids.

"I'm not sure what it is but I'm sure it involves drugs." Roger

"Isn't he just the cutest." Mary about Tim calling everyone honey

"I rolled more of them than I smoked." Mary    (I've warned you all that she's a drug dealer).

"I wouldn't smoke that, I would snort it." Mary  (Her true expertise coming out).

"I should get on Facebook just so that I can see my fiance." Bill after he had just face timed Roxanne

Mary wants everyone to work the 25th.  She has already referred to herself as Scrooge.

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/12/2014

The Daily Chatter*

12/12/2014

Tim flaked out on Toni last night and used his grown a$$ kid as an excuse for not going to a Christmas Dinner meeting last night. Bill invited me to go in Tim's place but he wanted me to pay 150% of what he paid for the meal.

"I thought you would want to see me because I'm awesome." Bill

Dot flew home last night and the airline lost her baggage but when it was delivered to their home today Roger rummaged through everything just to see if she had any mementos from any of her boyfriends and luckily for her she did not but Roger found it very strange that she flew home from a business trip from Portland with only bathing suits, high heels and lingerie in her suitcase.

It looks like Steve and Matt fit in well with the natives in Darrington.

Toni was trying to back out of Roger's promise that he made yesterday to an installer but we finally got Toni to realize that a promise is a promise and he took one for the team. Something like that happened on "Mad Men" once and Joan was promoted to a partner...just saying Toni may expect something like that but luckily we just spent money on a nice dinner for him because of his screw up according to Tim.

"Randy counts as two people anyway." Mary   I hope she's not talking about his weight....

Nikki wants to know who the heck she's going to sit by at Bill and Roxanne's wedding. Now that just about everyone she knows will be in the wedding and I don't think that she wants to get stuck next to Matt with this drunk "How you doing?" all night.

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/11/2014

The Daily Chatter*

12/11/2014

Bill went out and bought himself a Lexus for Christmas. The mechanic told him yesterday that he never wanted to see his BMW again. 

Toni wants to burn down his jobsite. Apparently he wants to do the whole job over again.

Roxanne says she lives in a Bill and Roxanne box. Is that a private club because I tried looking it up online and it came back with nothing.

Bill told his mom that he and Roxanne were going to come by the house tomorrow night for something and his mom told him no that he couldn't because they were going to have a family dinner.

Typhinee had a customer who thought they were being funny today (I'm assuming) on the phone but it came off as threatening.

Toni made Cody feel like a second class citizen. He asked him to turn on the coffee pot because he was coming back to the office.

"I wonder if I should just hit it with a f*cking floor sander." Tim


 Tim says I can send all of the sales people to him for training. I think I'm going to take him up on that offer and Bill goes first. Tim will at least start with making a job folder.

I found it odd how Roger showed up to the PK meeting today right as it got over today. 

Roger got an installer for a last minute job but he had to promise the installer that Toni would do a sexual favor for him.

Toni filed a formal complaint to Mary about what Roger offered Toni's mouth to do. Mary asked if she needed to send Roger through a sexual harassment class but we decided that would probably just make things worse.

 Roxanne found something that Steve and Matt's beard might actually be good for.

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/10/2014

The Daily Chatter*

12/10/2014

"I gotta go yell at some MF's." Toni

Apparently you don't have to drive a sexy car if you are already sexy according to Joe and Toni.

"She doesn't hate me, I think you're just trying to stir up sh*t." Roger to me

Now Typhinee's telling me that she doesn't like the Winter Soap. There's just no pleasing anyone around here...

Roger told me that he has lime soap at home and that he's almost out of it. I told him that he should go with Cody to Bath & Body Works and pick out some new hand soaps together.

"I'm a Shaw guy. I don't give a rat's ass about Mohawk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Roger

This is how Bill feels about PK Meetings.

"I was being honest, you didn't have to lie to me." Mary to Toni

"Can't I just have Beverly?" Tim to our tile rep

"You're hot except for that beard." Mary to Steve

"I'm going to a logging town, I can't shave it now." Steve to Mary

Steve says he's only getting compliments on his beard from guys.

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/09/2014

The Daily Chatter*

12/09/2014

"If you need anyone to bang it, I'm your man." Bill to Typhinee

Toni thinks that he's being Punk'd by Ashton Kutcher on one of his jobsites.

Bill put me in charge of buying Roxanne's Christmas gift and I found something very special, personalized earrings.

Mary called this morning and needed one of us to bail her and her girlfriends out of jail. I left that all up to Bill because he likes to make people dig ditches in his backyard to pay back their debt of gratitude.

Mary would like for everyone to know that her pajamas are Vera Wang. 

Tim and Toni don't seem to be able to communicate with each other or either they have orchestrated a great lie to fool all of us into believing that they're stupid just so that they could go to an expensive dinner together.

Roger complained about the Winter soap in the bathroom today, he only wants Lemon. Apparently Dot must be depriving him of Lemon soap at home. I'm going to write a letter to Santa and see if Santa can get him lemon hand soap instead of the PS3 and the waterbed  that he asked for.

Roger told me that he can only tolerate me but nobody else at work. What a liar, what was he doing outside with Toni?

Michael's a mess, he was carrying all of his loose screws in a cup today. 

Toni told us that Jean Enersen is a huge Klepto and it very possibly could be true. There are several blogs about it.

Bill is going to kick my butt for reminding him about the "blue conversation". Now he's trying to blame the comment on Gary but I know for darn sure Gary never ever would have said that blue wasn't a good color on me unless of course you asked him today.

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/08/2014

The Daily Chatter*

12/08/2014

I now see that I have competition with The G.... Gazette that Roxanne writes....

"I don't read emails from you." Roger to me

Roger and Tim on separate occasions had to question why Mary and I were both wearing blue today. Mary of course looks stunning in blue, where as I have been told in the past (Newcastle days) by Mr. Unnell's that blue isn't such a great color on me (he has this all worked out in his head that it was Adam who said this but it's been a few years since I brought it up and I just want him to feel partially guilty).

I think Tim came in to tell me that Bill wasn't very bright. He obviously doesn't know how to make back to back copies on his new color printer.

Today was a big day for Roger and Bill, they went to court to make everything official. I wonder who took whose last name?

Howard says he's guilt selling Tim.

Tim tried killing everyone in the back room today. No more forklift rides for him.

Howard thinks Mary just FB's all day long. 

Today is a day to mark down in history, Steve turned up his nose at Candy Cane Roca. Ok so it was melted and nasty but for Steve to even notice that is pretty remarkable.

Toni might be dying, why else would he come to work sounding like that?

Hmmm...Mary forgot her wedding ring and she's going out with the girls tonight. Do you really think that was an accident?  Especially after she started telling Typhinee that she remembered when guys use to buy her drinks....

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/05/2014

The Daily Chatter*

12/05/2014

"Where would a Caucasian guy like me find...." Roger

Tim seems to be very disgruntled since Michael came back, he says he has to scroll for his name now in RFMS.

Tim wants to know what kind of studly thing he did that Steve mentioned him yesterday.

"Hey Handsome" Toni to Roger  "You got that right." Roger

"Tim, if we change it (your name) to A$$Hole, you'll be right up at the top." Bill

"It's better to go into the closet than come out." Roger

Bill went next door today for a quickie. I'm just glad this is happening before his wedding so that I can tell Roxanne all about it and try to get her to change her mind.

Nikki is leaving for Vegas tomorrow but Toni got her sick and she's not very happy...So there probably won't be any more engagements in the Grab family this year or next. 

Typhinee apparently doesn't want to go back to 5 day work weeks. She was out "sick" again today too.

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/04/2014

The Daily Chatter*

12/04/2014

I'm not sure how Bill's going to survive this week or next. Roxanne is leaving to go to California (in a week) without him so he has to prepare mentally for this (just like Matt) and on top of that his German whore is dying and he's not taking it well at all.  It's so bad that if I gave him chocolate right now he would probably eat it.

Bill thought Toni was talking about a dream of his today, he mentioned Mark Wahlberg and a turtle.

"I should have known it was something he (Roger) said that made her sick and nautious." Bill about Typhinee being sick

I'm really not sure how Bill's going to survive without Roxanne. Apparently he can't even turn on the windshield wipers or headlights while driving since his BMW did all of that for him.

Roger told me that he's tough as nails. Then he proceeded to tell me that he was in a Vietnam Prison Camp for 10 years mentally but not physically. (That's how much his first wife screwed him up).

Bill told Cody he liked his banana today. I sense another lawsuit....

Bill thinks that he and Toni's dad should form a group about not being on FB. I told him it would be just like the "I hate Rachel Club" on "Friends".

"I got out of the draft because I told them I couldn't shower in front of other men." Roger

Bill mentioned cars today and now Toni won't shut up as to what Bill should get.

"I think my wife was confused......(blah, blah and some other words).....She has a guy." Roger

"Tim is a stud." Steve

It's that time of year again but if this was our office Bill and Roxanne wouldn't just be dancing on Toni's desk...if you know what I mean.  http://www.elfyourself.com/?mId=62157536.2

"When Randy goes out and marries some whore...." Mary

"I got exactly dick done on that hotel today." Bill    I'm confused so he's saying he doesn't have anything...Bill did mention something to Toni today about how Roxanne gets when he picks her up late. I can only assume that she Bobbitted  him.

Roger noticed yesterday that Toni's icork honey had a Christmas tree on top of her car and I was going to make fun of her but then later in the day she took it inside so I thought it was a tree for their office. Then last night Toni texted me and told me that his honey brought the twig out to the car again and tied it on top. She probably thought that I wanted to steal her Christmas tree.

Poor Toni was yelling for me to help him while he was being raped by Steve today. I just ignored him because I didn't want to catch his cold.

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/03/2014

The Daily Chatter*

12/03/2014

"I'm normally thinking about all of the things that I shouldn't have said." Bill

Bill thought of a comeback last night, hours after Roger's G.B. battery comment that he wished he would have said.  "You know the thing I really liked about Vance was that he didn't need any f*cking batteries."

"Where's our dude?" Roger to Bill (about their threesome partner)

Tim had the nerve to say that Roger didn't look like he was starving. 

"You just don't want to hear me f*cking whine." Tim to Bill   "I don't think I can get away from that." Bill to Tim

"I love trouble." Mary

"I don't care as long as he treats her right." Toni about Nikki finding a new guy in Vegas this coming weekend

I had to stop Roger from telling everyone in the East Wing what Roger did for "work" when he was younger.

I thought Tim was actually asking me for advice today but turns out he was just trying to get more money and he had to blame it all on his wife and Christmas. 

"You can blame anything on me." Mary 

"Can I stuff it full of sh*t?" Toni

I found the suit that Bill should wear to his wedding,  Burt Reynolds is auctioning off his life and I thought this suit jacket with these awesome red and blue boots would be spectacular. He's going to have to find some pants though..
http://www.julienslive.com/view-auctions/catalog/id/146/?page=6

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/02/2014

The Daily Chatter*

12/02/2014

Michael wants weekly sales meetings and Tim says we have to wait till 2016. Is Tim finally going to get his crap together in 2016?

Serge is threatening to bring in his Ukrainian Christmas desserts again this year. I'm an ungrateful b*tch and I just want doughnuts instead.

Roger's getting a crown today and he thinks that it's more exciting than most things in his life. If he was getting a royal crown that would be another story but he's only getting his tooth crowned but maybe his brain doesn't know that yet....

"You know what I liked about Gary Brown more than you (Bill)? Gary had batteries." Roger

 "It's not interesting unless it's about Roxanne." Bill  (Apparently I need to change the Chatter to everything that Roxanne says.)

Roxanne and I agreed today that Bill is a whiny baby and then Roxanne felt bad for him that we were picking on him and he didn't even know it. 

"I'm going to try to change my stripes." Tim

Toni may end up in jail tonight, he had to visit Comcast to return his equipment....

 

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/01/2014

The Daily Chatter*

12/01/2014

I don't think Toni and Michael bargained to keep Bill and Roxanne company over the holiday weekend when Bill's car decided to break down in two different areas. I think they must have exhausted Michael because he didn't even show up to work today.

"All of the problems start with the owners." Bill

I think Mary's going to fly to Tennessee tonight and take care of her little boy because he has a cold and she thinks he needs his mama.

"The Elves have been asking how many kids will be home for Christmas this year." Mary to her son Ryan

When's our Ugly Sweater party this year? Because I'll win hands down with this bad boy.  If it has to be an Ugly Christmas Sweater I'll just have to pierce the nipples and hang some ornaments.
 

I watched a recap and sneak peak for "Downton Abbey" last night which will finally air next month and I'm super excited for . Bernadette Peters was the host of this show and she picked the worst dress possible. It was snug tight, it made her hips, thighs and stomach look huge and her boobs looked like little gum balls.

*not to be construed as Gossip