09/26/2014

The Daily Chatter*

09/26/2014

 It's finally Friday and I get to leave for my trip.

Roger was telling Cody that he wanted to bear hug him from behind....things get kind of kinky here at 7:30am on a Friday.

"Speaking of hand jobs......" Roger

The first thing that came to my mind when I saw Marty this morning was that I don't want to be tied up with duct tape and left with the others. 

I moved one little thing in Bill's office and he starts interrogating me. Poor Roxanne, I can't imagine what she deals with.....

It was so nice of Cody to offer to go on my trip with me and be the travel host/companion for my mom and step dad. 

Mary and I decided yesterday that Toni could write episodes for "Arrested Development". He wrote a great environmental policy for our company that totally reminded us of that show because the policy said absolutely nothing.

Roxanne didn't get the memo, that's all I can say.

"Hey big boy we have a date." Toni to Tim

"Ryan has to drink to be around you." Roger

"I'm a kitten." Mary

"She smells like a strip club." Toni about his girlfriend Crystal


"Can you f*cking fix it?" Tim to Bill

Cody is smart enough to know that the owl in the bathroom shouldn't be keeled over upside down, I'm just saying it because somebody around here doesn't understand that.

*not to be construed as Gossip

09/25/2014

The Daily Chatter*

09/25/2014

Happy early Birthday Roger!

Speaking of Roger, his wife is a wild child or at least she was in my dreams. She had her chest and torso painted so that she could go around topless.  It was painted a very pretty red and purple color.

Tim took some heat this morning. He's never seen any of the "Toy Story" movies, enough said...

Tim said he saw the birthday elves in person this morning.  I wonder what they look like?

Bill said that Roxanne starts every conversation to him with "Are you even listening to me?" That's normal Roxanne, Bill doesn't listen to anyone so eventually you just learn to ignore him and he goes away.

"Toni you need to update your knowledge." Bill

I'm a little jealous, Bill got an awesome Snapchat of Toni singing in his car to one of his favorite boy bands this morning.

Roger's pretty sure that Cody wrote that he is a great gay guy on his birthday card (dry erase board) and Roger finally decided to take it as a compliment.

Marty wants to tie Toni up with duct tape. Sounds like a kinky weekend is in store for them.

Mary made fun of Bill today and all of his Roxanne stories. Then she proceeded to tell him that his text alert on his phone was way beyond annoying and that he needed to change it before she threw his iphone6Plus Faglet under our UPS ladies truck and then would proceed to pick up the jagged little pieces and shove it somewhere that I can't mention. Needless to say Mary had a headache.

Matt argued with Mary that he wouldn't look good with a mustache. I beg to differ, remember the day when Matt was a handsome guy .#TheGoodOldDays

*not to be construed as Gossip

09/24/2014

The Daily Chatter*

09/24/2014

That Roger, Marty tattled on him today and said he was making us women  in the office sound like bimbos. I'm going to need a formal apology from Roger on this and the other 259 things he's said about me just this week, here's just a few of his insults. 
#1. "Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental."
#2. "Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice."
#3. "Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?"
#4. "I'd like to leave you with one thought....but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it."
#5. "I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?"

Tim hates ceramic tile today but he doesn't hate the money.

"You can't call a guy a bird." Mary to Tim as she was singing The Beatles Blackbird song.

Bill's concerned that he might accidentally slice his neck while trying to answer his razor thin phone.

Typhinee called me a Mother F*cker for no good apparent reason.  She now owes me an apology too.

I think I bribed Tim to come to work tomorrow with cake. I'm not sure how all of you are going to get him to come to work next week....

"I think I'm funny." Bill to someone on the phone

"You should F***ing leave me alone." Mary

*not to be construed as Gossip

09/23/2014

The Daily Chatter*

09/23/2014

Tim was super excited today because he got a raise in his allowance from his wife. I still think he's up to something sneeky.

I obviously ticked Cody off because he deleted me from his phone. He seems to be temperamental just like his dad.

Mary's son is opening another business. I think he's got to be up to about 20 businesses by now.

Bill informed us that some stripper poles spin and that's the kind he wants for his office.

"Don't even talk to Roger about the 80's" Bill

Roger hasn't been here that much this week but he's already counting down the hours until I leave on vacation. (Apparently Cody is also).

We just found out today that you have to hide watermelon if Roxanne's around or she'll eat it all.

Typhinee said I made her feel sick when I was talking to her today. Apparently everyone around here wants me gone now. I know I may be hard to deal with but seriously it's just a few more days people...

*not to be construed as Gossip

09/22/2014

The Daily Chatter*

09/22/2014

Bill and Roxanne saw Reesia hanging out the car window trying to yell at them on Saturday. That must have frightened the other drivers on 405. I'm very ticked at Roxanne for not taking pictures or a video of this happening.

"I have to be careful of what I say around Roger because he can always take it one step further." Mary

"It's a chair chair." Mary about her new chair

"I feel dirty." Mary about talking to Crystal on the phone

"It's a fablet." Bill about his new phone

Speaking of gay, Ryan got his hair cut by a gay guy yesterday and the guy asked him if he was going to watch the game later and Ryan said something about no we had errands to run and for a moment Ryan felt gayer than the gay guy cutting his hair.

Just a few more days.....then you get rid of me for 7 working days. 

*not to be construed as Gossip

09/19/2014

The Daily Chatter*

09/19/2014

One week left till I leave on vacation!!!!

Toni's mom is at it again, she ran off some more high school delinquents who were skipping school and smoking something in e-cigarrate form. She told them to Hurry off to school, make good friends and make good choices.

"I know my Robert Kinkaide." Mary......about Thomas Kinkaide.

"Your mother is a milf and you know it." Mary to Toni

Bill and Mary's iphones came today. 

Tim is such a piece of crap, he went out of town again and didn't invite any of us.

"You know who pissed me off, Jessica pissed me off and I don't want to talk about it." Crystal

It's all good Typhinee, Crystal still doesn't like you either.

I got to hear about Crystal and her issues with her youngest kid taking off his overflowing diaper, playing with the poo and then sitting in her chair and getting poo all over her chair. Needless to say I'm sure the over diaper and poo are still everywhere that the kid left it.

I think Toni and Jared were fighting over Crystal today, they seemed to be having a heated argument over the phone.


The world is falling apart Honey Boo-Boo's parents split. That's probably the smartest thing that guy has ever done.

*not to be construed as Gossip

09/18/2014

The Daily Chatter*

09/18/2014

Cody was about to lose it thinking that Toni was out sick this morning. Obviously he needs his little Toni bear around.

The UPS lady was extra chatty today. She was telling me about the BS math that her young kids take and why it was so BS.

Tim sent off an email yesterday to a project manager and asked for that guys supervisors contact information and he gets an email back today with "We will speak tomorrow about the appropriate course of action." My first initial reply thoughts were: "He$$ no we're not going to talk tomorrow, we're done talking", "Get me the information that I requested dipsh*t.", "Did you not see the size of my fist?". It's probably best that I don't have to deal with too many people.


Toni was disappointed, that guys unit wasn't as big as he thought it was going to be.

This is adorable, I'm sorry I couldn't resist sharing this video of two foxes jumping on a trampoline.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8xJtH6UcQY

Siri wouldn't tell Toni where the nearest Top Pot Doughnuts was today but she could tell him how far away the moon is.

Roxanne had issues with Siri today too all because of Bill. Not really issues but she doesn't know how to talk to her phone. She said "No Sh*t" and Siri said "Ok, maybe not." All she had to say was "Hey Siri".....how hard can that be?

*not to be construed as Gossip

09/17/2014

The Daily Chatter*

09/17/2014

"People need to gossip otherwise life is f*cking boring."  Bill

"All of my best ideas look bad on the surface."  Bill

It was good to see Michael today and have him put Tim in his place.

Tim was freaking out over not having Splenda today. Apparently Jessica handled the sugar department for him before.

Cody is such a nice guy, he invites all of the neighbor kids to smoke pot on his patio in the backyard. Mary thought the kids were pricks because they didn't offer to give him any.

"He's going to show me his unit." Toni

I heard today that Vance stole Toni's girlfriend, things are getting weird.

*not to be construed as Gossip

09/16/2014

The Daily Chatter*

09/16/2014

Roger called in very concerned about his desk this morning. Then he became concerned that maybe Bill and Roxanne had sex on his desk while they were "cleaning". Roger in general was just very concerned this morning.

Bill and Roxanne need a hashtag line for their wedding photo's. They want people to post photos of their wedding anywhere and be able to see them and then allow people to vote on their favorites. So here are a few ideas of mine for their hashtag name.   #mr.&mrs.u'nnells       #shemustbecrazy #whyisthisbeautifulwomanmarryingthisveryweirdman?    #bilroxywedding    #thisbetterworkout
#meetmrcrapbag&princessconsuelabananahammock    

I told Roger not to yell at me on the phone when I couldn't find a carpet style for him and he was nice and said he would unload all of his yelling on his way to work.

Interesting that Roger was "sick" on his anniversary yet he was well enough to post pictures of his Italian adventures and told everyone "I'm out sick today from work, cough cough but because I'm married to the most wonderful woman in the world I decided to do something special for our anniversary and I recreated our honeymoon. We're in Italy until further notice." Then all I know is that Typhinee yelled at Roger and told Roger she wasn't going to call all of his appointments today and he came back into work.

I was very worried about Roger yesterday even though I told him in "The Chatter" that he needed to suck it up and be a man but I was about to have signs and shirts made for him.

"That's it, that's the last hole I got?" Tim

 A pop up coffee shop of Central Perk is opening tomorrow in NYC and they even have Gunther. I would love to see this while I'm in NY but it's not near anywhere we're going.

   *not to be construed as Gossip

09/15/2014

The Daily Chatter*

09/15/2014

If I fall over dead or appear to be dead it's because I haven't recooperated from our 10,000 mile hike that we took on Saturday to Pete Lake near Cle Elum.

Roger's pretending to be sick today. I told Typhinee he needs to suck it up and be a man.

A huge thank-you to Roxanne and Bill for cleaning the carpets and for removing Roger's desk over the weekend.

Toni's paranoid, he was the only one in the back room and thought that everyone else snuck off to do bad things.

Bill pointed out to Tim that he (Bill) was the nice boss around here because Mary was trying to screw him out of his tile installer. 

I told Tim he couldn't leave until I retire, he wanted nothing to do with that.

I gave everyone Damon's new phone number today and I got this response from Toni "I was wondering why he wasn't sexting me back." 

Thanks to Roxanne and the present that she sent to Bill, we all have a sugar high today.

"I'll be stripped down to my underwear in an hour." Mary

*not to be construed as Gossip

09/12/2014

The Daily Chatter*

09/12/2014

Joe told Mary yesterday that we should have a rule against hiring guys with big buns (Matt).

"Damn I'm good." Mary

Typhinee was picking glitter out of Matt's hair and beard this morning. I immediately said he was stripping last night and Matt didn't deny that he was working his stuff. Now Tim's going to want a discount on Matt's labor for his job last night.

Tim can be such a Debbie Downer. Next time I'm going to Denver instead of him, since he says nobody should want to go there.  Right now at their botanical garden they have a Chihuly Exhibit so there are amazing things in Denver even if Tim doesn't think so.

"It's always hard for guys to hit the target." Mary to Bill

Bill thinks that all of the iphone6 Plus' will sell to men. I'm sure it will only be to men with penis issues. I have a feeling that Bill will be changing his mind and getting the plain iphone6 now otherwise he's going to mocked by me every time I see him with a phone larger than Steve's head.

 Really bizarre Roxanne said something about pulling pee cards next week. How often does she or Bill pee on cards? She can skip sending me one of her handmade wedding invitation, that's for sure.

*not to be construed as Gossip

09/11/2014

The Daily Chatter*

09/11/2014

Happy Birthday Cody!

Roger and Tim are mad at me because they didn't get any cake today. I don't feel sorry for Tim though he went to the fair.

Roger wants me to schedule cake days with him from now on. Roger the next cake day will be September 26th because I'm on vacation the day of your birthday and I don't want to miss a cake day even though on your birthday I'll be in a place where I can have as much cake as I want.

Mary belted out a verse of Devo's song "Whip it" while on the phone with somebody today. Bill stuck his head around the corner and wanted to know WTF then he rummaged through Mary's desk to find her happy pills.

I was going through a list of shallow and hilarious reasons why people break up and this is one that Jenny could have used.

I had a dream last night, yes another dream, that I was at dinner with some people and I was wearing pants and just a bath towel on top. Some guy wouldn't stop starring and he creeped me out so I don't think I'll forget to wear a shirt from now on.

Here's Kelly Ripa explaining the new size of the iphone6, it's hilarious.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wonf-Lb94k

Cody made Mary's sh*t list today because he decided to go hunting the weekend that she needed him to help with Stephanie's wedding.

I came in late to a conversation and Steve was telling Toni "I hope she was hot".

Bill hung up on Roxanne today, he's going to have he$$ to pay when he gets home tonight. 

Bill explained to us Tim's horrible plan today. When did Tim decide this was a good idea? The first I knew of it, Tim didn't want a thing to do with it. Tim has some more explaining to do.....Besides I know of a place that Tim can buy in Enumclaw with a lake.

Ryan just bummed me out and emailed me an auction listing for Racha Thai at Southcenter. I loved that place.

*not to be construed as Gossip

09/10/2014

The Daily Chatter*

09/10/2014

"Roger's such a smart a$$." Bill

Cody wants a superhero birthday and would like everyone to dress up for the event tomorrow.  I'm afraid this is what Toni is going to come as.

 I told Tim yesterday that he's going to be Crystal's best friend again. 

Cody's going home to pull gray hairs.

Bill got some gossip out of Steve with Thompson today. He mentioned that our old rep went to work for a competitor on their order desk but then was canned and apparently Gary and I were lovers. 

I'm sorry Roger I know how much I disappointed you today with the Chatter. I'll try to find a good cake tonight to make up for that.

*not to be construed as Gossip

09/09/2014

The Daily Chatter*

09/09/2014

I noticed that Tim placed an order for majestic mound's. Mary felt like a lesbian when she had to order that for her client awhile back.

I thought for sure Typhinee and Tim were going to get their head chewed off when they tried talking to Bill while he was watching his Apple announcement this morning.

"I'm already removing you from my favorites list." Bill to Toni because Toni said Apple was stupid

I had a dream last night about one of Mary's kids getting married and I don't know who it was but they got married in a grand mansion and all Toni could think to do was pull out a card table to start gambling. I remember vividly having to take a call from one of the installers about his timecard on one of the fancy phones in the mansion.

"What a rare moment this is." Roger about me trying to be nice

Toni wants a yellow phone. Bill told him he doesn't get anything because he was a dick earlier.

It's nice to hear that Tim still has very nice opinions about all of us after working with us for the last few years.

 Mary's Post It Notes representing the size of her new iphone6 made Bill reminiscent of how Toni likes to describe the size of a purses. It's usually either a 1/2 gallon size or a one or two gallon size. 

"I have things like an iphone to look at lady." Mary to one of her customers

 Roger is very curious as to what happened during my lunch with Tim today. All I can say is that no crazy women tried to shoot him or us with a bow and arrow today.

One mystery solved today, Bill called Thompson Tile and David answered, so he didn't quit. Now I still need to know what Steve is since the other guys' card now says General Manager on it. Never mind I figured it out with Roger's Linkeded In program (or however he pronounces it), he's VP of Sales and Marketing.

*not to be construed as Gossip

09/08/2014

The Daily Chatter*

09/08/2014

I have to watch out for Tim in my dreams and I always thought it was Roger that I had to be careful of. Last night in my dream I found out that Tim had a kid years ago with another woman and that kid ended up being one of our current installers. Then the outraged mother came and hid on a telephone pole outside of  work and wanted to shoot a bow and arrow at Tim. Needless to say, it ended up being a dangerous place to work all because of Tim and his infidelities.

"I got a dog and started a business." Mary about her ambitions

Tim refused to go into Bill's office today.

Cody told Toni that he's wise beyond his years today. I don't think I want to know what Toni told Cody.

I apparently need to research movies before I watch them because we watched "Frozen Ground" over the weekend and my boy toy John Cusack played a serial killer in Alaska  which was based on a true story and now I don't want a thing to do with him.

Mary's not going to be happy when she realizes I'm gone part of the week that she wants off for Stephanie's wedding. All I have to say is that I had my New England Cruise on the calendar before Stephanie even got engaged.

I vote to remove Bill from messing with all things electronics except the Server. He screwed up my email today and Mary's pretty sure he screwed up her phone.

*not to be construed as Gossip

09/05/2014

The Daily Chatter*

09/05/2014

 I thought Matt was going to have a cool bar story about some woman slapping him with jumbo claws and leaving him marked but no it had to be a stupid skateboarding story where he decided to ride over some rail road tracks and land face first. 

"If the cops call, none of this actually happened." Roger

I have had to call Comcast every day this week, that is how freaking awesome this new phone system is. Thanks Bill! I love that they changed my voicemail code and my user id without me knowing it. 

Bill told us about the horrible thing he told Roxanne.... The story starts off with a nice family gathering of Bill's family and his aunt showed up with this horrible huge gaudy ring. Bill immediately starts to make fun of the ring and then finds out that it was his great grandmothers ring and that the aunt wore it so that she could give it to Roxanne. Later on Bill tells Roxanne a white lie and tells her that the aunt wants her to wear it in the wedding. If that isn't reason enough to break up with Bill then I don't know what is.

Of course we found out today that Roxanne asks Bill to leave all of the time and he just ignores her, so man-typical. 

Typhinee still isn't making friends with Crystal.

Roger thinks he has a date with our Tuftex rep over the weekend, since the guy left a note on his desk with a smiley face. 

Toni didn't know who Ross Perot was....Bill said that Toni was making him feel old.

Toni's just in luck, Ross Perot made the headlines today because he just donated millions of dollars to a medal of honor museum.

*not to be construed as Gossip

09/04/2014

The Daily Chatter*

09/04/2014

Nobody around here seems to be feeling the love for Marty this week.

According to Toni "Russell Wilson has a glorious penis".

Steve was talking about some stud today, Roger, Mary and I apparently missed a good conversation in the back room.

According to other news publications, Wilson's penis outshined Kaepernick's abs in this picture on "Sports Illustrated".
 

Roger's giddy with excitement, Joan Rivers died today. Maybe that's not the only reason why he's giddy.

I got in trouble today, all of the guys were mad at me because I wasn't wearing a Seahawk's jersey.

Poor Teri, it was not her day today. No wonder why she wants to leave us.

Everyone needs to bring in their favorite Tim food since he won't be at work tomorrow. I should bring in ice cream, Dilly Bars and cheesecake.

 

 *not to be construed as Gossip

09/03/2014

The Daily Chatter*

09/03/2014

I asked Steve for a job name yesterday and he came back with "the one with the gun" and I told him that he needed to be more specific.

Roger mentioned that he got to see Monterrey on his trip and they did the 17 mile drive which is absolutely amazing and I'm jealous right now.

Roger said he had an awesome flight back to Seattle with some sh*t faced people in his row that were yelling to friends a few rows up that were going on a cruise with them. On top of that there was a screaming kid that he thought was refreshing compared to the guy next to him.

Apparently some people have enough gas to come to the shop for a draw but when it comes to returning shop tools they seem to be out of gas and have no money.

I got stuck talking to the UPS lady today about how she doesn't want animals because she doesn't want to pick up their poo. She originally started out the conversation with her kids going to grandma's house yesterday and somehow they came home with hamsters and they have tiny poo and on and on and on....

 Ryan and I went to the Musuem of Flight on Sunday and we saw a guy wearing a Vandelay Industries shirt and I immediately thought of Roger since he's the "Seinfeld" freak around here.

Toni and his naughty bee talk today. It reminded me of the time (in 2008) when  Bill wrote the Chatter about pig orgasms. Mary doubted Toni but it's too weird not to be true. All I have to say is that I don't want to be a drone bee.
http://www.orkin.com/stinging-pests/bees/mechanics-of-honey-bee-mating/

My new office phone came today (about time) but my phone line isn't working and Comcast isn't much help right now. I may have to start flogging people.

*not to be construed as Gossip

09/02/2014

 The Daily Chatter*

09/02/2014

Toni sold his grape last night.

Ego and power seem to have gone to Bill's head, he decided that he needed to buy himself a gold stapler over the weekend and now Tim's jealous.

Marty had to show me how good he looked in a Tux for his brothers wedding over the weekend. He would have looked better if he wasn't wearing a t-shirt under his tux.

Bill's not feeling well today and we think that his and Toni's cycles have synced.

Bill was pretty sure that Steve was going to bring a baseball bat to one of his jobsites tomorrow.

Poor Toni must be devastated Lance Bass proposed and it wasn't to him.

I was scrolling through MSN's best coffee shops in the US and Java Jugs wasn't on there. The Everett based coffee stand just got caught selling more than coffee if you know what I mean.

Siri seems to have lots of patience with Tim. You should have heard the jumbled mess he was trying to get her to respond to today.

*not to be construed as Gossip