02/27/2015

The Daily Chatter*

02/27/2015

Spock died. 

According to Wikipedia Spock is a fictional character...I'm pretty sure they talked about Spock in history class so how can he be fictional?

 
Michael's response to "The Daily Chatter" yesterday:
"Oh my, oh my, what have you done to my friend Tim.  Reduced to wearing a bunny suit.  I have not seen that picture before. He looks so beaten and sad with the floppy ears. Someone should have just put him out of his misery.  Tim, I would have counseled you at lunch today had I known.  As for Bill, I have no concerns about he and Mary.  Roxanne will take care of that in due time.  The big leash and electro prod will be attached soon, he has no idea its coming…they never do, poor guy was once so strong."

Tim thinks that taking selfies in a parking lot are the nice pictures of himself that Roxanne is looking for. I told him he might as well pose like Toni did in his swimsuit and send that to her. 

I'm very disappointed in Cody, I just found out that he told Bill gossip before he told me and it had to do with Toni's icork honey taking a shower on a Sunday night at their office.

"I'm a horrible person, don't you know that? I'm getting hungry though." Bill to Toni

"He's Rick R. on steroids." Tim  

"I think I've been sent to tile pergatory." Tim

"I'm not even dating you...." Bill to some guy on the phone

"I haven't been given my instructions yet (for this weekend)." Roger

"My back's all jacked up." Cody bragging about his sex life

Apparently Bill needs to go to Famous Dave's because he didn't know the difference between them and Dave's Diner.  Luckily for me Roger wasn't going to let it drop.

"Carpet tiles fix everything." Bill

It was a good Friday, I didn't have to see Crystal today.

*not to be construed as Gossip

02/26/2015

The Daily Chatter*

02/26/2015

Tim told Bill that I totally gave away his new nerf machine in "The Chatter" yesterday but I was really just trying to help Michael out with what he needed to get to defeat Bill.

Tim hid under his desk today when the war started in the back room.

"You always come across as being a little desperate." Roger to Tim

Roger thinks he had a terrible childhood because he didn't have any cool sh*t. He remembers playing with Tinker Toys and Lincoln Logs and almost being electrocuted by his erector set. 

"I'm not in charge." Bill

Bill for some reason thought I would have pictures of all the groomsmen that would be appropriate to put out on a table at his wedding. I have some great classic Toni and Matt pictures but for some reason Roxanne kind of blew off the ones I gave her.

Toni sent Roxanne the best picture today but it was a little pixelated so she couldn't use it for the wedding. I think Nikki should retake the picture for him on a better camera.

"When did that happen." Mary  "When I was off dicking off yesterday." Tim

*not to be construed as Gossip

02/25/2015

The Daily Chatter*

02/25/2015

Tim sucks..he didn't come in today.

Ryan wanted to know why the heck Typhinee complains about traffic when she ended up in front of us last night, even after we took the carpool lane.

Tim, I think you have some competition when you finally decide to come back to work.

"This is going to be a really expensive dick measuring contest." Toni

"I hope they don't break his legs until he's done with my job." Bill about Marty  Bill thought that sounded a little Roger like.

Ryan and I were at Starbucks this morning and I thought I received a miraculous sign from God on my napkin. (Roger had the same thing happen to him years ago with a piece of hair that looked like Snoopy). I thought this looked like Matt's screwed up mustache but then I realized that Ryan had a screwed up napkin too so now I'm indecisive as to whether or not this was a sign. Maybe Ryan's napkin was a sign too and maybe he needs to shave Matt's face.

Michael is very upset with the whole Bill and Mary situation. He only has 79 days left so he better get a game plan but here's what he had to say.
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaait a minute, are you telling me Mary’s not giving me shot at all.  I waited patiently, once on the first go around and then just a short time on the second and couldn’t just wait any longer I had to leave.  She mentioned her husband to me but I didn’t take her as being serious."

My suggestion for Michael is he's going to need to outdo Bill's nerf gun if he wants Mary so might I suggest this bad boy, it's only $330.00 on Amazon.

Toni and Bill think I document everything bad about employees on the internet. In that case Matt broke another back window on his van today, this is the 4th one we've had to replace for him. Can we bubble wrap the backside of his van?

*not to be construed as Gossip

02/24/2015

The Daily Chatter*

02/24/2015

"I'm going to start rumors." Mary    She seems to be taking over my job. She told the insurance people that she was divorcing her husband and getting married to Bill in 80 days.

Roger should be super excited about our bathroom soap this week, it's even better than just lemon scented it's Sunshine and Lemon Scented.

"I'm becoming an old man." "April, can you order me a shawl." Bill

Well Garret got his motorcycle.  My exact thought at the moment when I had to get up from my desk was "who is the a**hole who won't take off his helmet."

"Toni and I are going to get a lube job." Bill 

Toni said Bill had to drop him off at his car at the male strip club.
 

*not to be construed as Gossip

02/23/2015

The Daily Chatter*

02/23/2015

Bill says that Roxanne is more of a vampire girl (referring to movies hopefully).

Tim, I know how much you love onsies and Roger I know you want a cape so you both need to go to Target tonight and pick up your Batman PJ's. (Ryan's not mad he just won't smile in pictures).

Just another day in the neighborhood for Toni, he called this morning and mentioned that there was a half naked person (bottom half) running around the streets of Seattle.

I saw a picture of Nicky Hilton at the Oscar's and it looked just like Nikki Grab. Toni, tell Nikki she needs to cash in on that otherwise her big break will probably come from hand modeling.

Roger said that Mary's lemon bars had cocaine sprinkled on top of them. I told him that the lemon bars were for an Oscar Party last night so that totally fit.

"We used to call this the East Wing but now it's just Iraq." Roger about the war in the back room

"Bill, you're a dog." Mary

Poor Tim all he wants to do is get his one job scheduled for the week. 

*not to be construed as Gossip

02/20/2015

The Daily Chatter*

02/20/2015

This video reminds me of Tim and Toni playing nerf at work but they aren't as cute and minus the snow. Ok it really doesn't remind me of them but it's cute anyways. http://youtu.be/DSehQsYU9h4

Thanks to Steve, Toni got into work today and started planning his nerf revenge on Tim.

Ferguson walked into a war zone today. I was surprised that he didn't have a heart attack.

"I wouldn't categorize you as a loser but I'll think about it." Roger to me

According to Howard Toni's new name is T-Dog. Roger was jealous that Toni got a nickname and he didn't so Bill gave him BoBo.

Chris Lackie came in today and told me to say hi to my better half.

"Roger, I can get anything past you because you won't read page 2." Bill

"My husband's just like John Wayne." Mary

I always thought it was Roger who needed his mouth washed out with soap around here but today it was  Bill probably because of Roxanne's bad influence.

"Is that a jar of urine?" Roger to Bill

*not to be construed as Gossip

02/19/2015

The Daily Chatter*

02/19/2015

Bill thinks Sports Center is great for marriages.

Bill's not even married and he's letting Roxanne tell him when he needs to go to bed. He has 85 days left to figure this out.

Typhinee has a recommendation for a dentist that she thinks is hot.

"It looked a lot better yesterday." Me to Roger about the pastries on the counter  "We all looked a lot better yesterday." Roger to me

Roger told me that I speculate a lot. No, I come to reasonable conclusions.

Roger wants to wear a cape at Bill's wedding.

Kim Jong Un got a smoking hot new haircut. I wonder if the North Korean men have to have this cut now too?

Bill was getting pretty fresh with Steve over the phone today. It sounded like he needed a little something something pretty badly.

Chris Lackie chewed me out today for sending short Chatters lately.  Just for that I should make him write "The Chatter".

*not to be construed as Gossip

02/18/2015

The Daily Chatter*

02/18/2015

Toni is ready to pick a fight this morning.

Tim just makes me feel so special and needed some days. He couldn't track a UPS shipment even with the correct tracking number.

Now Tim wants to open a burger stand. Somebody needs to give him a job.

Don't let Bill open the car door for you, he slammed Roxanne's leg in the door today.

Roger's a jerk, he didn't come into the office today and that is why "The Chatter" is so short today.

*not to be construed as Gossip

02/17/2015

The Daily Chatter*

02/17/2015

Cody thought "Hunger Games" was kind of weird the way they went out and killed a bunch of kids. I'm really not sure why he didn't like that aspect of the movie.

"I feel like I'm on a hunt with Dick Cheney." Bill about Tim shooting him

"Oh... the inside of the thigh....you scared me." Toni to Bill

"Rare moment, you and I agree on something."  Roger to Mary about "The Bachelor"

"With your olive skin and your weird eyebrows." Toni to Bill

Mary showed me a hilarious video of Al Roker getting his "50 Shades" on.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=quWrbuuBr6c

*not to be construed as Gossip

02/16/2015

The Daily Chatter*

02/16/2015

I'm terrible, I know that I should have cleared my weekend schedule with Roger especially since I was in his neighborhood at the Pompeii exhibit yesterday.

I told Steve that he's going to be Mary's favorite installer again because he shaved off his beard.

The white Tahoe finally moved from our parking lot. Toni said it happened Friday night.

Toni must think Tim's creepy or something, he has a ghostly ringtone for him. I'm sure my ringtone on his phone is Elton John's "The B*tch is back".

"I'm freaking sick and I have all three kids at home." Crystal rambling on today on the phone

Apparently Tim also got to talk to Crystal today and he had some choice words for Toni once he got off the phone with her. 

"It sucks, being a grown up for the first time." Cody

Tim is filling in at some meeting Bill was supposed to go to. I hope Bill can at least make it to the alter in 88 days, I guess if he doesn't I win my bet.

FYI Roger, the Pompeii exhibit has a room for erotic art since I know how much you love that sort of stuff.

Toni and Bill (complaining to Toni via text) don't like craft stores. Ryan loves craft stores, only because I tell him he has to.

Roger thinks he has a cold and HIV. I'm confused what happened to his Aids and other crap?

*not to be construed as Gossip

02/13/2015

The Daily Chatter*

02/13/2015

I noticed that Toni went out to the parking lot to meet his mother instead of having her come in while Tim was here...

Today of all days, the old guy with the BMW convertible had his top up. He must have pneumonia or something.

Ryan and I were watching "30 Rock" last night and Ryan realized Liz Lemon was eating Potato flavored chips, sounds delicious.

Tim is so impatient when it comes to anything that he doesn't want to hear about.

This is what Mary's friend Kent thinks the fridge at her sisters weekend in Arizona will look like.

Tim hasn't told us yet that his son is getting married this summer and that he got engaged in October. It's a darn good thing Donna came in today.

"You sound like my grandma." Bill to Mary

Toni hasn't seen a Tom Selleck "Friends" episode yet and he thinks Tom Selleck is a dream boat. I was telling Toni that Tom Selleck just turned 70.

Toni told me that I couldn't take a photo of his Valentine's card that he's giving to Nikki. It's all about loving a man. I think Nikki is in for a rude awakening, I don't know how the poor girl doesn't know yet.

Here's the unretouched photo of Cindy Crawford that seems to be making headlines and it should make everyone feel better about their body. I really need to become a photoshop expert because I could instantly drop weight and tone my body. 

Roger was an extremely nice person today or at least I think he was but I'll probably hear otherwise.

*not to be construed as Gossip

02/12/2015

The Daily Chatter*

02/12/2015

The Costa Concordia Captain finally was sentenced to 16 years in prison.

I saw this on FB and had to share it. A rare photo of Abe Lincoln with the famous Civil War Correspondent, Brian Williams.

I think Roger is going to invite himself to the Chocolate Festival too, he started asking me questions about it this morning. I can't allow him to go because I probably won't be allowed to go back if he goes. Just remember what happened at the UPS store....

Roger overheard a brief conversation today at Costco. He has decided he should write "The Costco Chatter".
Husband: Why are you buying so much wine?
Wife: Oh so now you're going to talk to me about my drinking?

Roger should be thankful he doesn't do Wal-Mart road shows.....otherwise he would be seeing this.

 "Toni, this could end up with just you and me tomorrow." Tim    Are they celebrating Valentine's together tomorrow?

"Not everything is about your eyebrows Toni." Bill

"That was bad, I'm going to my room without dinner tonight." Bill   (I'm confused because Roxanne wasn't even here).

"I don't think Jesus wore a pink bandana or sunglasses." Mary about Matt looking Jesus like

"You're an extremely handsome man but not now." Mary to Matt

There was a long plastic rope like thing hanging at Roger's desk today. I think somebody was trying to tell Roger to hang himself. The death enticing device was even around cardboard Tim and was very close to its neck.

Speaking of Tim, his daughter put in an offer on a place that is in a neighborhood behind mine. He thought it would be nice if I would look after her since he's a bastard and kicking her out of his place when he and Donna move to their new home.

*not to be construed as Gossip

02/11/2015

The Daily Chatter*

02/11/2015

"You're going to laugh at my a$$." Tim to Bill  (That's kind of a strange request.)

Tim wants to open a hotdog stand in our parking lot. He wants to go from being the carpet king to the wiener king.

"You're mine." Mary to Joe

Toni wanted to kill himself on one of his jobsites this morning.  That didn't seem to concern Bill.

"Please accept this little f*cker from Bill & Roxanne." Bill wants to write this on his wedding guest gifts

Ryan, it sounds like everyone (including Bill for some reason) wants to tag along with us to the chocolate festival this year.

*not to be construed as Gossip

02/10/2015

The Daily Chatter*

02/10/2015

"The time to call me is between 9 and 5 but not 5 minutes before 5." A stupid customer (Typhinee seems to have a few of those lately).

"I'm kind of a dick, at least that's what my wife says." Steve

"I'm trying to be nice." Mary to Matt about his beard

Obviously Roger wasn't at the office very long otherwise I would have way better stuff for "The Chatter" and I also blame it on people actually working today (besides Tim). 

*not to be construed as Gossip

02/09/2015

The Daily Chatter*

02/09/2015

Roger was disappointed that I didn't clear my schedule with him when I went to Anacortes this last weekend.  I didn't know that he cared.

Roger's upset with Toni for calling him gross so Roger called Toni gross and then pitied Mary that Toni would be her family someday.

"What am I on drugs?" Roger to Bill

Roger has some opinions on Bruce Jenner, of course. Now that Bruce is becoming a woman Roger says he can't drive anymore and thus the multi car accident over the weekend.

Toni saw a big black giant dildo in the street this morning wrapped with a blue bow. He's hoping to pick it up as a Valentines Day gift for Nikki on his way home if it's still there.

It sounds like Kayne needs to have his own Music Awards show because everything would go to Beyonce apparently.

"When it comes to me, good luck." Tim

Watch out world, Tim bought a bigger better nerf gun for himself for the office and it will be delivered later this week.

*not to be construed as Gossip

02/06/2015

The Daily Chatter*

02/06/2015

Toni thinks that Roger is the grossest person he knows but luckily not the creepiest.

I personally think the person who belongs to this car is grosser than Roger but that's just me, Toni may disagree.

Toni should be excited, Ewoks do exist but only at Wal-Mart.

"Strip club then off to Costco." Roger

"You might have to wear jeans everyday because you look damn good." Steve to Cody

"You're hiding your good looks under a rats nest." Mary to Matt

Roger says he has wrinkles all over his body that he wants to get re-stretched. Apparently he wants one of our carpet installers to restretch them for him.

Mary told Toni that his mom's a$$ looked great in dress.

*not to be construed as Gossip

02/05/2015

The Daily Chatter*

02/05/2015

"Nobody likes my ideas." Mr. U'nnells

Jimmy Fallon did a "Saved By the Bell" remake for those of you who are younger than Roger and actually remember the show.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MftOONlDQac

Jason says his baby will be here in two or three weeks. I know Bill's dying to know if it's black.

Tim freaked out on the J&J rep today when he mentioned that he could bring us in some more carpet books.

Ballard has the right idea, next month they are going to have a Bourbon and Bacon Festival.

Michael's leaving and I'm pretty sure it's Toni's fault for stealing his chair and his computer and for wearing his shorty shorts one too many times in front of him. 

Michael claims when you lust after someone you don't buy them coffee. That's not going to work for me, I need my coffee.

"We've got to find Tim a job." Bill as Tim was shooting everyone in the office with his Nerf gun

"I'm so ready for the Russians." Tim with both hands armed and loaded

"It radiates confidence." Toni about his horrible shoes in a picture "In a very sad and pathetic way." Mary

Toni's going to be Magnet Ball Man for Halloween and he's going to find everybody's keys with his crotch.

Bill and Roxanne are down to 100 days before their wedding. 

Just for Toni's sake to make him feel better about his shorts, here's some people at Wal-Mart trying to pull off his look. (I'm not sure if the last three pictures can be called shorts on those people.) The guy in the second picture was captured at Wal-Mart twice within a few days of his last visit.

*not to be construed as gossip

02/04/2015

The Daily Chatter*

02/04/2015

My husband may become a never nude, he had a tramatic experience last night and doesn't know if the crazy woman at our house saw him in the hall or not.

We were out at dinner last night with Ryan's son and his son's wife and the crazy woman wouldn't shut up about everything she liked in the restaurant (and this is very typical of her everywhere she goes). I wanted to blurt out "I love lamp" but I refrained.

As if we don't see Howard enough, now Ryan's bumping into him at places.

I think I'm going to pick out Bill and Roxanne's wedding present from Skymall they have some awesome ideas.

Bill keeps telling us all of these horrible phrases that he claims his dad has told him. I informed him that I have a long list of what he's said about his dad and that I will bring it up at the wedding. I'll make sure his whole family is around when I question him. To get out of this I'm pretty sure Bill's going to

"Why the he$$ do you still have that beard?" Mary to Steve

*not to be construed as Gossip

02/03/2015

The Daily Chatter*

02/03/2015

Happy Birthday Bill!

I gave Bill a few things to ponder today because I still want to win the bet at his wedding that he'll freak out and hide in the closet like Chandler Bing. 

Cody was surprised to hear that Bill is 42 today. I told him Bill's secret to not aging is not going outside.

 No worries about what the groundhog said yesterday...

Roger informed me that Toni left his car over at Bill's place this morning.

Toni said the threesome over at Bill's wasn't the worst he's ever had.

I think I  probably offended everyone in the office today with my food snobbery.

Apparently Marty is now guaranteeing his seams for a lifetime.

Bill finally asked who Blake was. The confetti I left on his desk was in Blake's name and I had to explain that Party City was out of Bill's name and it was the next name down the list.

Tim told Bill not to repeat or tell other people that he was going to have hot monkey loving sex for his birthday. Of course Bill had to repeat it, he never listens.

Bill said he's been watching the same porn as Roger.

*not to be construed as Gossip

02/02/2015

The Daily Chatter*

02/02/2015

Happy Groundhog Day!

Roger texted Mary this morning to see if she wanted to make a quick $100 and he was astonished that she didn't return his text but then we decided that she was probably scared and misunderstood what she had to do. Roger was then insulted and said "it's not like I'm Jason."

Poor Typhinee was sick today and missed out on our visit from Crystal.

My husband is in so much trouble right now. He left the car door unlocked on Saturday night and it was the same night somebody decided to clean everything out for us. Luckily for me he's willing to bend over backwards to try and make me feel better.

Bill has already insensitively made a horrible Seahawk's joke way too soon to one of his customers.

Ryan has me scared into thinking that there won't be a Season 6 of "Downton Abbey" because of how season five ended but he has to be wrong. Rumor has it that the show is ending after season six though.

Roger claims that he was beach ball #2 at the half time show and that he got to sleep with Katy Perry as payment. Roger, I got to sleep with her for free so you really got screwed.

*not to be construed as Gossip