11/26/2014

The Daily Chatter*

11/26/2014

Leave it to Michael to start work on a week where he only has to work one day.

There's absolutely no pleasing Tim. I don't know how his wife can stand to be married to that man. I gave him his commissions today and he complained that there was only one thing on the sheet.

I don't think Steve is getting enough attention at home. He has already offered to keep Toni company (among other things) on Friday at work.

Mary went home early for a cup or gallon of Holiday Cheer. She blames it on getting old and opening the door while on her cell phone and tweaking her back.

I'm so proud of Cody, he instructed the guys in the back which way the wall flower in the bathroom should face while it's plugged in. Now if he could just teach all of the guys around here not to pee on the floor, we'll be set.

"Sometimes we're intentionally retarded (referring to guys in general)." Tim

I hope that everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving and a spectacular Black Friday (because that's what matter most of course). 

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/25/2014

The Daily Chatter*

11/25/2014

Crystal has called two times in a row with the stupidest questions. I think I'm going to redirect all of her calls to Toni's cell.

The old guy with the convertible BMW had his top down in the rain today, now I know he's an idiot.

Roger says he's done being nice to people. Yesterday when he was nice to someone his tail light broke and he had to pay for a broken gas pump.

Mary taught Roger and I something new today. A gorger is someone who is not a gypsy and according to the strange duck that Mary met at Starbucks last week, gorgers like to rape children.

"Are you whining about guys being whiney?" Bill to Mary

"Roger, you are almost really good with names." Bill   Apparently Roger likes to guess names.

"I like to be bossed around by women." Roger

Serge's daughter was eying Bill's Disney toys in his office and to be her new favorite person I thought about giving her all of his stuff.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/24/2014

The Daily Chatter*

11/24/2014

Bill thinks he's more civilized than Toni, all because Toni called a contractor a tool.

Michael says that I may have some new material to write about...He better start dishing.

Michael was sitting in the back room bragging about wining and dining women.

Bill told everyone that Mary's only happy because her daughter got married. Mary would like to clarify that she's always happy.

Tim wanted to show Michael the perks of working here again so he showed him where the hot chocolate is kept.

Toni said he's going to go and count chickens. Doesn't he have anything better to do?

Cody had quite an entertaining weekend that he's not too happy about.

Marty came back and said his happy thanksgivings and stuff and mentioned he was making Almond Roca and deviled eggs and for some stupid reason I told him he had to bring us in some Almond Roca. There's no way on earth that I'm eating anything that was made inside that home.

Speaking of that household, Crystal couldn't stop calling Toni today. 

"I like a feisty girl." Mary

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/21/2014

The Daily Chatter*

11/21/2014

Matt thinks he started the man-bun thing. I thought I saw him in the Albertson's parking lot last night but apparently it was some other dork with a man bun.

"She's my sweetheart." Tim about Crystal

"Go home, you look like sh*t" Tim to Bill

Mary's been texting her contractors that they're good sons and that she loves them. Bill said he wasn't going to change how Mary does or gets her business.

"I swapped forks with him and he didn't even know." Bill about Toni freaking out about his germs at lunch time

"It feels so good to rub your hand along it." Mary to one of her customers

Matt had a very exciting day, he found the mother-load of all closets today. One of Mary's customers has a closet full of liquor. He's probably going to have dreams about that tonight.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/20/2014

The Daily Chatter*

11/20/2014

Thank-you Bill for fixing Mary's computer last night. You have no idea what you saved us from today. 

"Let the carnage begin." Tim   Crap, does he think the office is now the set of "Hunger Wars"?

Toni told me that I wasn't hiding anything by bringing my booze in a travel mug today. I think he was jealous and wanted me to share with him. 

I felt a little naughty, it's only Thursday and I emailed Tim and Toni about a three way today.

"Are you dating a rapper now, look at your jewelry." Roger to Mary   "Wait till you see what I got for my teeth." Mary

Roger told me this morning that he blames all of his problems on Dot.

Tim had a dream that he was still working here in his 80's. I told him that's what we all wanted.

Toni is off to woo some men with Tim.
 

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/19/2014

The Daily Chatter*

11/19/2014

Tim warned me that it's an Office kind of day. I think he wants to put all of Bill's stuff in Jello and wrap his desk in wrapping paper since Bill called in sick today.

 

 

 

This picture should make Roxanne happy and Matt cut them so it should make everyone happy.

I'm pretty sure this is what Tim tells all of his customers.

Mary thinks little elves come in and mess with her computer in the middle of the night. It's definitely not elves..

"I thought Toni was your significant other." Roger to Tim

Mary told Bill yesterday that she wants to marry for money the second time around.

I think I freaked Roger out today when I knew a little too much about Bob Marley. I told him out of fairness I just Wikipediaed him yesterday.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/18/2014

The Daily Chatter*

11/18/2014

Roger's such a whiner, I feel so bad for Dot, he thinks it's below zero outside and he was only outside for two minutes loading samples into his van.

According to FB Roxanne hasn't been behaving, is that why Bill was so tired today?

Some competitor asked Toni who his best contractor to work with was and Toni gave him the name of one of the worst contractors to deal with but then realized he forgot about the real loser after he got back to the shop.

Ryan and I started watching "Mad Men" season 7 last night and things seem to be changing. Don Draper is trying to give up his alcoholism. How am I going to feel good about drinking and smoking all day long if Don Draper quits? Maybe he'll relapse.

Typhinee is the man. She was working her forklift magic today.

"How many places have you been kicked out of?" Bill to Roger

I learned something new today, the guy who played Mike Brady on the Brady Bunch (Robert Reed) was gay and had Aids but he died of colon cancer apparently. I'm sure Roger knew all of this already and probably even gave the guy Aids.

Somebody called today trying to buy Roger's van. I asked Bill if we could fire Roger and Bill said maybe next week.

"My sense of style is picked by what's clean." Cody

Toni thinks he's trendy today and Bill thinks he looks homeless. The hoodie synched up over Toni's head with just his nose sticking out really doesn't help Toni's case.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/17/2014

The Daily Chatter*

11/17/2014

I was at Lowe's yesterday and I got super excited because I thought they had an Ewok stocking (which Toni needs) but it turns out it was only Chewbacca.

Toni needs to get a dog so that he can have a real living Ewok.

 

Ryan and I had an exciting weekend; Friday night we came home to no running water, luckily our neighbors discovered it first and called for someone to fix it. The first thing Ryan asks is if I paid the water bill, he obviously doesn't trust me to pay our bills. The next morning we were finally able to see our roof and how many shingles blew off during the storm, luckily that got fixed the same day too. Then yesterday Ryan went to fix the toilet and ended up replacing the whole thing, a ten minute project turned into an all day event so that was our weekend in a nutshell.

"What do you mean, possibly?" Bill to Tim

We saw a movie with Joe Rogan in it the other night and Ryan said he looked just like Toni. I will have to agree with Ryan after seeing this picture.

 

It's a good thing for "The Daily Chatter" otherwise Bill wouldn't have had any idea that Toni's icork honey brought in the mail the other day. He was on his phone and thought it was just the mail lady.

I feel like I'm really behind the times, I really should have a Twitter account so that I can be following all of the groups that Roger follows like The KKK and The Black Panthers. 

"There are three old farts here minus Damon." Roger

Tim's not even here and he's bugging the crap out of me. I had to fix several of his PO's today, he owes me now.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/14/2014

The Daily Chatter*

11/14/2014

I told Roger he could come back to work because I changed out the soap in the bathroom for him.

I figured everyone would stay home knowing that Toni wasn't coming in today. Instead we threw a huge party with lots of dairy. Bill even brought in a huge bowl of lactose.

Because I changed out the soap Roger thinks he has some powers around here. He also told me that he doesn't abuse his powers....some of us would beg to differ.

"You're in sh*t soup." Tim to Steve

"I'm not late." Mary

Roger creeped Bill out today.

Why do I always get stuck with Crystal alone on my lunch time?

"I thought I had it made with Dot being sick and all." Roger to Bill

Roger started talking about Crystal's disease ridden keyboard after lunch. I'm pretty sure that's on our do not discuss list.

Toni's icork honey came in and didn't want to make eye contact with me. She gave Bill our mail that she received so apparently she likes Bill, I bet Bill even waves to her in the parking lot like Jessica apparently did.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/13/2014

The Daily Chatter*

11/13/2014

Tim, you really need to take it easy on our young guys around here, they just can't handle what you can do.

I think I freaked Bill out today and told him he was talking to himself just like I do to myself.

"Is it gay to say fellows in a text message to a bunch of guys?" Toni

I was reminded today that Ross from "Friends" was the boyfriend turned husband of Karen Arnold on "The Wonder Years."

Roger, I know I'm already freaking you out by mentioning Ross but look at these adorable baboons playing on this horse. 

Roger has issues with our Peach Bellini soap in the bathroom, he doesn't think it's manly enough. I told him that Cody and Toni like it.

Roger mentioned that Dot is sick today but it's a good thing for him because at least somebody was home to sign for his new iphone and that's all he cares about.

Steve apparently told everyone that the door to Bill's office was closed because Bill, Mary and Tim were shooting a porno. Steve obviously doesn't want to face the truth of the matter as to why they were talking. 

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/12/2014

The Daily Chatter*

11/12/2014

"That's the only reason I'm not gay." Roger about not wanting Aids

Roger's hurt that he wasn't invited to go duck hunting. He wanted to be able to cuddle with the guys today just to stay warm.

The lady who did the voice of Mrs. Wolowitz on "Big Bang Theory" died.

Mary claims she's not even hung over today. What did those girls do yesterday? This is really concerning.

"You can be straight and like Broadway." Roger

Most of you missed out on seeing Jessica today and she even brought awesome ginger molasses cookies with her.

Bill didn't even know we had wind last night. He lives in a very sheltered world and he still thinks everything is zip-a-dee-doo-dah.

Tim says he named his birds.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/11/2014

The Daily Chatter*

11/11/2014

Happy Veterans Day! Which would explain why the mail didn't come today.

Roger sure had quite the weekend, he posted on FB "We had the perfect marriage until my girlfriend started dating Dot's boyfriend" (Joe Biden I'm assuming). In Roger's defense he didn't realize he had a girlfriend (Roger had a really crazy weekend).

I told Ryan it's supposed to be 75 degrees today in my world. Then he told me about the ice that he saw on the cars today at work, how dare he upset me.

"You were useful for a change and you're not a crack whore." Roger to me

Bill was telling me today that Cilantrophobes are genetically retarded (maybe not his exact words) not to like Cilantro and they think it either tastes like soap or gym socks.

"Roger, my date stood me up, where do you want to go?"  Bill making Roger feel ultra important then Bill broke off that date

Tim, Toni and Cody are all going to bundle up tomorrow and go duck hunting leaving before the butt crack of dawn.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/10/2014

The Daily Chatter*

11/10/2014

What a terribly confusing weekend, one minute Macaulay Culkin was dead and then he wasn't.

Roger told me the nicest thing ever this morning, he told me that I wasn't a crack whore.

I don't get it, Roxanne needs Bill to take her to the dentist yet she can get her picture taken with this freak and not pee her pants.

Steve kept a dirty comment to himself, this day should go down in history.

The X-Men Mansion is finally on Google Maps with reviews about the school and they have the location as NY but Ryan and I have seen the mansion in person and its in Victoria, BC.
https://plus.google.com/112506068750209171874/about?hl=en&gl=us

"Don't bullsh*t me." Roger to Mary

Roger couldn't remember what he did this weekend so he made me check his fuel receipts to see where he went.

You gotta love text misspellings. Typhinee told us today that she texted "I can finally drink my tea" and it came up as "I can finally drink my pee." 

Mary was so excited about her son Ryan and his girlfriend Logan sending her a music tease of them singing together. If she gets the whole song I think she's going to feel like Stefano's song (that she was making fun of last week) was tame compared to the filth that they are going to send. Mary's definitely going to start thinking twice before asking for anything. 

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/07/2014

The Daily Chatter*

11/07/2014

One of Tim's customers just had an epiphany that Bill was the installer who installed carpet on his job years ago and the guy wanted to know how Bill was now Tim's boss.

I think Tim thinks that I went through his desk drawer and stole all of his invoices because he's starting to wonder why his pile is so thin.

"Roger, I need you." Mary

"Sucks to be Mary today." Roger

Tim is very upset that he doesn't have emoticons on his work email.

Ryan noticed that Kent put up some new signs on 84th Ave around the hotels. I mentioned it to Roger and he wanted to know how badly this would effect him.

Watch out world Roger is wifeless for the weekend.

Bill and Roxanne went to Blizzon. Im' surprised that Roxanne wasn't abducted by one of the crazies. There's clearly nothing that Bill could have done if she was abducted since he has absolutely no upper body strength.

Roger wants an unmarked vehicle for Christmas so that he can do devious things again.

I'm a little jealous, Ryan has IM at work and he had a conversation with another woman today about a loud mouth woman in his office who unfortunately is white trash and can be a pain to deal with. Today she had the gross habit of talking to everyone with food in her mouth but apparently the food muffled the loudness of her voice. I guess I shouldn't be jealous, if we had IM I would be getting messages from Tim all of the time saying to come back to the East Wing and do his work (luckily he doesn't know how to use his intercom or he would do the same) and Roger would just tell me to F*$% Off especially if I didn't bring food in.

Tim got his feelings hurt this morning because I didn't want him sitting down at Mary's desk and bugging me. Turns out it was a simple question but you never know with Tim, I just figured he signed all of us up to work some Holiday event for free while he would go off hunting. 
 

Roger told me that he was going to have a clear conscience on Monday because he wasn't going to be able to remember his weekend, he must be planning to hang with Matt.

Mary's getting calls from strangers about Wedding planning.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/06/2014

The Daily Chatter*

11/06/2014

Now that I'm seeing a chiropractor, everyone else here seems to be complaining about their back.

Toni seems to have some interesting neighbors who fight all the time. I'm going to need a nightly log of all of the good gossip.

I read an article saying how Hello Kitty tattoos are fairly common. I think Roger needs to get one.

I think Bill is getting sick and tired of seeing kids. He probably should have thought about that before deciding to vacation at Disneyland. He wants people to start abducting the kids he see's without parents (just part of his sick sense of humor.)

I opened our Bill and Roxanne magnet last night and Ryan thinks it's a little creepy to have Bill starring at him from our fridge, Roxanne is of course adorable though.

Bill, you might as well just reset Typhinee's email password tonight because I'm sure it won't work again in the morning.

The only thing Mary claims that she wants for Christmas is a song recording of Ryan and Logan so please don't bother her with anything else.

Roger and Tim needed to be here today to give Toni a 101 in how to tell people to F*%& Off and in Tim's case it usually boosts his sales for some reason. Now that I think of it, Tim needs to be teaching everyone here how to do that.

 

 *not to be construed as Gossip

11/05/2014

The Daily Chatter*

11/05/2014

Typhinee thinks her email acts up every time that Bill leaves or goes on vacation.

"Off to do more cheating and stealing." Tim

"I'm probably the one who's incompetent." Roger (It sure is because I'm not going to admit that today.)

Some of the ladies around here weren't being very lady like today, it's probably why all of the guys left the office early and Roger didn't even bother coming in. That and he somehow knew we were out of food.

Nikki referred to Toni as "her main squeeze" yesterday on FB but Toni normally refers to Cody, Tim & Steve as his main squeezes. How oblivious is Nikki?


Well I think Nikki has some side action going on too. Toni was at Pacific Place today and bumped into a guy who said he just had lunch with Nikki.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/04/2014

The Daily Chatter*

11/04/2014

Happy Birthday Toni aka Gil!

I was very disappointed, I bought Toni a pink Tinkerbell doughnut for his birthday and he didn't even want it.

The little guy in the Beauty and the Beast play reminded Bill and Roxanne of Toni which is impossible because Toni is Gil today.

The old guy with the BMW convertible in our complex obviously doesn't know how to put the top up on his car.

"How old is the little b*stard?" Roger about Toni

"If there's one monkey in the house, I'm leaving." Roger about his customer with eleven animals

"Do I sound like Jason?" Matt

Tim thought that I was doing something shady in our system today.  I think that he thinks I was adding costs to all of his jobs.

"Did you tell Mary about us?" Toni to Tim

"I'll make a white cake." Mary  (Isn't that racist?)

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/03/2014

The Daily Chatter*

11/03/2014

 
Matt's recovering from his birthday, poor Steve has to put up with him at a jobsite today.

Toni is apparently a B.D.B. whatever that means....I think Steve has some explaining to do.

Matt seems to have a thing for Mama Sherman, he was holding her hand at the game yesterday.

Mary has turned Bill's office into her Craigslist Store and Personal Pleasure room (the pleasure room is only for the people who aren't sure if they want to buy her left over wedding items. She seems to change their mind after she shuts the door though).

Bill has absolutely no upper body strength like he said he had.

The UPS lady was telling me today about her recent experiences of looking at herself in the mirror at the gym and not liking what she saw.

Roger thought that Disneyland sounded like a wholesome vacation.

Matt wants me to give him a break for not knowing how to spell "reimburse" because he didn't go to college.

*not to be construed as Gossip