05/31/2016

The Daily Chatter*

05/31/2016

Roger is very upset that his grandson hasn't been born yet. He wanted a long weekend to celebrate.

I think Damon's already bored with retirement, he was down here bright and early to turn in his time card this morning.

Since Typhinee's not here today Roger called and asks me if he's told me how fond of me he is. Which is my cue to ask "what do you want?" and he proceeds to tell me that he's not really fond of me but then starts on his wish list.

Roger actually dug up some gossip this weekend. One of the people who Roger use to call part of the holy trinity at Newcastle got a new job.

Toni's weekend sucked, some girl told him that he looked like he was 37...

Roxanne is now sitting on her butt at home waiting for baby Katherine to arrive. She really should be at home baking me a cake but whatever. 

According to Bill, Toni's not masculine enough to pull off a Tom Selleck mustache.

Since I know all of you are dying to know about my weekend at Mt Hood, here's a few pictures from our hikes.

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/27/2016

The Daily Chatter*

05/27/2016

Howard thinks that our hand truck is the Hannibal Lecter kind.

I think Tim tricked Michael into going to a meeting tonight. Seriously Friday night before a holiday weekend? Tim's way meaner than I thought.

I made a mistake and didn't look at the Caller ID before I picked up Crystals call today. My day would have been perfect without that call.

I decided to go on a scavenger hunt today through my co-workers desks. I didn't actually have a list of things that I needed to find but it was purely for my entertainment pleasure. I first started with Toni's desk and I found a giant shoe box under his desk that said "Personal". He should have had a lock and key on that thing, I think every edition of Playgirl was in that box along with some weird toys and a bunch of lockets of hair that I'll have to ask him about. I boxed up the toys and put them on Mary's desk for her to take home to Riley. I did score, I found a bottle of Gin tucked away inside of his hollow wood wall. After I drank the bottle I woke up to Roger drawing on my face. I'm inclined to get a restraining order so that sort of thing won't happen again, I should be able to sleep in peace and quiet at work.

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/26/2016

The Daily Chatter*

05/26/2016

Bill's a little upset over the fact that I spent money on Kleenex. He said his nephew had a great idea of eating his boogers and it didn't cost him anything.

Tim missed out on his favorite today, Snickers Blizzard ice cream cake.

Since nobody is going to be here tomorrow, I'm supposed to give Damon a hug from everyone.

Speaking of Damon, he got a little teary eyed today. I have bets on him wanting his job back after 2 weeks. 

It sounds like their was panic in the streets yesterday when there was a power outage in downtown Seattle. People were evacuated from all of the high rise buildings and nobody knew what to do without a traffic light.

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/25/2016

The Daily Chatter*

05/25/2016

"You know how I love a full rack." our Tuftex rep

Toni and I figured out that Washington state is larger than North Korea. We also discovered that North Korea can fit into Alaska 14.25 times. Since this sounds like a Sesame Street lesson I better announce the letters of the day....

Apparently we need to have Damon's retirement party tomorrow since everyone is going to ditch me on Friday for the holiday weekend and Tim that no good $%$# is leaving us tomorrow for the Indy 500.

Dempsey is apparently back with his wife. I wonder if he ever admitted to her what really went on between him and Dot.

“What?! What do you mean pictures with cats? Taking pictures is prohibited. The cats don’t matter here. Taking pictures is prohibited if not for a necessity. Not with cats, not with dogs, not with wolves, not with anything.” Saudi Cleric     Apparently too many Saudi's want to be like Westerners and those lucky people can't play chess or have anything Pokemon either.  Mary would die if she couldn't take pictures of Riley so hopefully she doesn't have plans to move to Saudi Arabia.

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/24/2016

The Daily Chatter*

05/24/2016

I told Michael that Toni was jealous that he (Michael) got Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and Toni normally gets fairy decorations.

I heard Bill mumble his "fluffy bunny" word today instead of swearing. Roxanne should be so proud of him. 

Toni got his girly shorts today in the mail and Michael didn't want any part of it.

 *not to be construed as Gossip

05/23/2016

The Daily Chatter*

05/23/2016

Happy Birthday Michael!

I think Tim may have caught Roger's great plague. 

"Dangit, my wife was right again." Bill

Now some contractor is calling Toni "big cowboy" no that isn't queer. 

Toni's mom obviously has the wrong impression of me, she thinks that I keep him out of trouble.

Speaking of Toni and trouble, he's in huge trouble, Mary got to hold a darling baby yesterday at Nikki's bridal shower.

I got the biggest laugh yesterday out of Toni's mom trying to tell her sister about Toni's dick pics episode where they were going to Mary's phone.

I gave Nikki this picture of Toni, if she doesn't come to terms with this before the wedding, then I don't know what to do.

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/20/2016

The Daily Chatter*

05/20/2016

Tim gave everyone a scare last night all because he couldn't remember his wife's phone number.

Toni's words of wisdom for the day "Everyone needs a job, I guess."

"Turns out I actually know Beverly Goldberg." Bill about Mary  He found out that she still tries to pick up her kids.

Somehow Bill missed "The Daily Chatter" with the child size Tesla in it because it was all new to him today.

Leave it to Bill, the guy who's about to have a precious baby girl in a few weeks, to tell me about a reality porn competition with one million dollars at stake and a chance to become a porn star which is every woman's dream. He better not tell Matt about this or he'll quit his job to become a contestant. Actually Marty is more likely to enter just for the free sex.

I think Roger is feeling fairly stable today, he told me that he doesn't want to kill himself at the moment. 

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/19/2016

The Daily Chatter*

05/19/2016

Bill thinks that I'm getting him and GB confused in my dreams.

Bill informed me this morning that there was a bunny at our door and he didn't let it in.

Some frustrated solicitor called for Steve today and didn't understand why we didn't want to try their paid service. Then he proceeds to tell me that he's not looking to put a gun to his head but he wants to know why we won't try their service. I think maybe he should rethink being a solicitor.

Tim picked a crappy morning to go fishing.

Toni was so excited he bought some 80's shorty shorts online. When I asked him what his fiance thought he just said "she likes my legs". 

"Steve's my kind of parent, Mary's one of those parents who will actually take care of her kids whereas Steve wants his kids to take care of him." Bill

I noticed that our Floform rep lost some weight the last time I saw her and I realized last night when she passed me running in my neighborhood that she's been cheating with exercise. 

Roxanne won a Manager of the quarter award and some money and now Bill wants her to buy him a very special dinner.

Bill thinks Roxanne is a party pooper because he wants to take his child to Disneyland in the fall and Roxanne wants to wait.

Roger's thinking about becoming a Shaolin Monk because he wants to learn how to fight and use nun chucks. I'm pretty sure Matt can teach him how to use nun chucks, if that's all he wants.

 *not to be construed as Gossip

05/18/2016

The Daily Chatter*

05/18/2016

"I can't have a freeloader in my house." Bill about his unborn baby girl   Bill heard that Steve pays one of his daughters one dollar to make him sandwiches everyday and he wants in on this deal.

Roger came back to work today to make us all sick. He's pretty sure he has the Great Plague. It is "a mysterious disease which swept down through every single kingdom of middle earth during the mid 1600s of the Third Age of the Sun." I'm pretty sure he just watched "Lord of the Rings" he really shouldn't leave his home high on meth anymore. Meth doesn't seem to be a cure all pill like he thinks it is.

According to his/her biographer Bruce Jenner may transition back to being a man in the next few years. Apparently when he started dating Kris Jenner he had boobs and was transitioning and then had them removed, there's a fact that I didn't know.

Bill was a whiny baby in my dream again.  He bought some expensive mansion and decided that he didn't like the pristine yard so he was going to rip it all out.

All Roger wanted to do today was show me pictures of his favorite lamas.

 "My wife has been slacking off a lot lately and it's really interrupting my Sports Center time."

"I just beat the sh*t out of NFI." Tim

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/17/2016

The Daily Chatter*

05/17/2016

According to Typhinee you don't need a dick in order to drive a forklift. Our Fed Ex driver sure thought so today when I handed him off to her.

This is a clarification if anyone was confused, Roger's not home sick, he's home from work sick.


Bill couldn't quite believe it today when Typhinee told him that Damon caught a mistake.

Roger's just sick. He called me twice just to order a pizza and he didn't believe me when I told him that I wouldn't deliver. Then he called and said he needed something cute to cuddle with and he didn't want Cody (I offered) but he did want a puppy or a kitten. He wanted me to call the nearest shelter to see if they would deliver one of each to his doorstep and then he changed his mind and wanted a lama. I just have to remind myself that crazy runs in his family and that his parents did sell his brain for extra money so that the older kids might have a normal life. 

"You and I have some old stories." Bill to Tim

Bill says he'll vote for Donald Trump if Charlie Sheen is his VP pick. He likes the "Make America Great Again" and "Winning" slogans that these two would bring to the table.

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/16/2016

The Daily Chatter*

05/16/2016

"Don't kiss her she's sick". Bill to Tim about Roxanne

Ryan and I had free tickets to see Billy Gardell from "Mike and Molly" at the Emerald Queen Casino on Saturday night. I had never been to that casino before and man that was the biggest Walmart crowd that I have ever seen anywhere at one time. He ended up not being the greatest of comedians, I told Ryan last night that Roger's crazy uncle stories were funnier than most of this guys material.

This is going to blow your minds, Matt left before all of the beer was gone on Friday night and he didn't need a ride home.

Toni can't keep a secret.

"I thought my wife was going to cut my dick off." Tim to Bill

Toni and Tim decided not to "butt f*$%" and came to talk to me first. I guess I should appreciate that. Bill thinks it's because they wanted me to shoot the video.

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/12/2016

The Daily Chatter*

05/12/2016

My husband is going to have to grovel at Typhinee's feet tomorrow because he cut her off in traffic the other night. 

In airline news, a Portland man threatened to become violent if he didn't get beer and he also demanded hugs. That totally sounds like Roger.

"It's all about me today." Tim to Bill

Bill wants Toni's moms number because Toni is a dirty dirty boy.

Tim is handling everybody's problems today so I've given him my list of crap to fix.

Mary's husband isn't coming to our BBQ, he gave me some lame excuse about going golfing. Who's going to drive Matt home?

Roger was talking all about MILF's today. It makes you wonder what he'll talk about at the BBQ.

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/11/2016

The Daily Chatter*

05/11/2016

Happy Birthday to Mary!  I think she was a little upset that I couldn't find her a David Cassidy shirt even though Danny is her favorite. She's just been so into the "Partridge Family" lately.

I'm pretty sure Toni called Bill to ask him if he could smoke his bowl...Things get a little crazy around here when somebody has a birthday and Toni can't eat the cake.

Roger admits that he's hostile towards me.  I really need him to sign that Do Not Kill Me contract soon.

Bill told Toni that he was a normal person today. I wonder if that's what his parents told him too?

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/10/2016

The Daily Chatter*

05/10/2016

This is why you don't ever schedule Matt to go to a job by the ocean. Apparently he decided to go to the beach and get stuck while some prep was drying.

"Bill doesn't even work." Mary

Roger told me thanks from the bottom of his heart. I replied with "I've always thought that you didn't have a heart...I just assumed your parents needed the money and sold it." He proceeded to tell me that they sold his brain and lower intestines. This would explain why he needs the Google Brain.

I was proud of Bill today, he worked with a lady customer with a baby and he didn't steal her kid. 

Roger wanted to know why this lady brought her crying baby into our store. I reminded him that he gets a grandson shortly and they often cry. Then he told me that his grandson has already took a fellowship in Australia when he turns two and he'll be gone for about a year. That is one smart kid no wonder why Roger calls him Lucky Baby.

Apparently Roger told Bill that the door chime was driving him nuts and he was ready to commit suicide. Bill offered to turn the door chime up for him.

Toni was insisting on stealing pub mix from our BBQ supply today but Bill threatened to tear off some of his fingers and I'm pretty sure he reconsidered.

Roger promised not to murder his co-workers today. I would like to get him to sign a contract stating that. 

Is everyone feeling happy? Mary's Birthday's is tomorrow.

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/09/2016

The Daily Chatter*

05/09/2016

If you can remember that one time where Phoebe was mad at Ross because of her dream well I have the same thing with Bill today.  In my dream last night four of us were at some grocery check out stand and some weird dude with a knife was holding up the cashier for money and Bill and Steve became obnoxious and instead of the guy getting mad at them he decided to run after me because Bill told him to.

Roger went to the Seattle Art Museum yesterday and said the best part was the hanging toilet seat, the urinal and the pieces of card board boxes that were on exhibit.

"I'm a little nervous, Steve's a little older than he used to be."  Bill

Bill wanted me to really go out and see if the person with a Mohawk was a woman like Typhinee said.  If so, Bill and I have been calling her by the wrong sex.

I honestly can't believe someone like Ozzy could be married for 33 years well I guess that's over. It was reported that Ozzy knocked up some married woman who's baby girl is due around Tim's birthday.

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/06/2016

The Daily Chatter*

05/06/2016

The next time Tim says the words "don't have kids" just remember this picture of his grand daughter that he was gushing over today. 

"I'm basically the strongest man alive." Toni because he walked a bunch of stairs this morning at a job site. 

 One week till our BBQ. 

S. Lemon came in today and gave Bill the low down on his business neighbors which are another tile company that we all know. They had something kind of major happen, someone stole their air conditioner from the top of the building. That really sounds like a lot of work but that would make for a great April Fools Prank.

"Sounds like I'm slacking." Toni

Did anyone give Loopy Larry his invitation to our BBQ? Roxanne, if you see him under the bridge next to where you work let him know we want to transform all of our vans into Ferrari's and need his expert advice.

Roger thinks he's the reason as to why Crystal hasn't been coming in lately. Apparently he thinks he deserves all of the praise.

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/05/2016

The Daily Chatter*

05/05/2016

Happy Cinco de Mayo everyone. Just another reason for Matt to get drunk tonight.  Hopefully Steve knew better than to schedule him on a job tomorrow.

Bill was mesmerized today when he found out that you can have .rocks instead of .com at the end of your email or webpage.

"I'm full of romance today." Bill to Toni but Toni disagreed

I think Tim may have some concerns with how Michael rearranged their office but I personally love the new door sign that he hung up.

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/04/2016

The Daily Chatter*

05/04/2016

Roxanne, is that you? This was posted on the Four Season FB page today with "May the Fourth be with you".

Bill drug me into his office for juicy gossip but it ended up being kind of depressing. He really needs to screen this crap.

Bill thinks that he shows his employees that he cares deeply about them because he sent Josh into Toni's office to give him a big hug.

Damon said that he's not Josh's girlfriend. Who's girlfriend is he then?

This is the perfect gift for Mary's birthday next week. A motion activated toilet nightlight, the rest of you are all going to be jealous.

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/03/2016

The Daily Chatter*

05/03/2016

Toni was hurt by what Bill called him today so he said he wasn't very nice and Bill mumbled something about Toni's mom not being very nice.....

"Are you just making sh*t up at this point? It's just sad." Bill to Toni

Eddie Murray just had his ninth child at 55. Bill, hopefully that will make you feel like a young father.  

I told Roger that he's special and from the sounds of it he's been told that way too often.

Tim, if I have to talk to Crystal anymore this week because of something that you forgot to do or just because, you may have an itemized bill on your desk when you get back from vacation.

I forgot to brag yesterday about the hike that Ryan and I did on Sunday. We went to North Bend and hiked Rattlesnake Ledge with the rest of Seattle (as you can see in the picture). I was so tired of hearing everyone talk about their family drama behind me on the trail that I was constantly stopping so that people would pass and I also stopped for the moron carrying and playing a guitar on the way up.The best part about going to North Bend is getting to stop at the North Bend Bar and Grill for lunch, it's a great spot.

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/02/2016

The Daily Chatter*

05/02/2016

According to Toni, Michael and Tim were doing crazy crap like attaching things to emails on Friday......

Tim is in such deep doo-doo. Bill told him a few weeks ago not to take his grand daughter to see "The Jungle Book" because it would probably scare her. Friday night while they are in the car on their way to the movie Tim told Donna that Bill discouraged him from taking his grand daughter to the movie and needless to say she covered her eyes for most of the movie. In order to make all of this up to his grand daughter, Tim and Donna are taking her to Disneyland for a few days.

"Bill you should really fire me, I'm so stupid." Toni

Some of us discovered at Roxanne's baby shower that Roxanne won't be allowed to change the baby's diaper because of her horrible performance in the blindfolded baby diaper contest. That will be Bill's job and it sounds like he's prepared the whole house with diaper genies. 

Toni has a major problem. He's supposed to get married on August 6th and then take off for his honeymoon but Culture Club will be on tour in our area on August 11th....What is he going to do? Boy George has already called him wanting to know if he's coming to the show and I'm pretty sure I heard him say "let me see if I can get out of my wedding."

Roger thinks that he'll be a dumb f*cker before I will.

Roger also thinks that Dot gets unfairly punished by people for marrying him. I'm starting to think Dot and Roger are two peas in a pod but Dot knows how to act nicer than Roger which can go a long ways but I know that she was trying to take uneven cuts of my cupcake at Roxanne's shower.

Tim seemed awfully nervous as to what I could tell his wife about him behind his back. I think maybe I'll call everyone that Tim knows while he's gone and dig up some gossip. 

Toni seems to make a ton of money for working here and being some kind of gigolo, he told Bill today that he paid over a million dollars in taxes last year.

The BBQ is 11 days away.

*not to be construed as Gossip