05/31/2017

The Daily Chatter*

05/31/2017

I don't mean to make the rest of you jealous but Marty told me that I was his favorite person this morning. 

I'm glad that my presence has the ability to scare people out of Typhinee's office. Now if she would just quit being nice to people they wouldn't stay so long.

Leave it to Steve and Toni to inform Bill and myself that you cannot drink liquor in a Washington state strip club and that you have to go to Portland to do that.

Bill decided that a one day work week was enough for him because he's gone tomorrow and Friday. 

On our next hike Google Maps decided to take us to a closed off National Forest road near Mount Hood. Luckily we knew that couldn't be right and we kept driving around. We eventually found the trail and then found the sign posted that the trail had a rock slide and it was impassable. Apparently impassable doesn't mean a thing to hikers because just about everyone on the trail made it to the waterfall.

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/30/2017

The Daily Chatter*

05/30/2017

Bill told me that I don't take enough pictures on my trips. I'm pretty sure that I've been taking about the same amount as any Japanese tourist would so I'm really not sure how he wants me to improve upon this.

It was very nice that Tim noticed my weight and asked me first thing this morning if I was pregnant. Needless to say he'll be getting a gluten free, icing free, zero calorie cake for his birthday along with no card.

Mary told  me that her car was attacked my a microwave. I would have believed her if she just would have said aliens.

Toni and Nikki stayed at a hostel over the weekend to surprise some friends who got engaged in Leavenworth. That's really quite a sacrifice but the perk was they got 10% off at the bar downstairs.

What a beautiful holiday weekend, Ryan and I stayed at the historic Columbia Gorge Hotel (we were roughing it like Bill would say since it wasn't the Four Seasons) and went hiking all weekend. We started off our trip by doing a loop trail at Multnomah Falls which took us to several amazing waterfalls. By the time we finished our loop we were bombarded with stupid people on the Multnomah bridge wanting to talk selfies and standing in the way of us passing through so I thought for a second what would Roger do and so I started hitting on everyone in my way and asking for their phone number and using his line "you don't sweat much for a fat guy/gal" and they all moved. It worked like magic, thanks for the inspiration Roger. Next time I promise to use your flasher move but I didn't have the right jacket on.

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/26/2017

The Daily Chatter*

05/26/2017

I am so freaking mean, Joseph wanted to hang with Kellen all day today and I told him no. I'm thinking that he must like the sex with Kellen.

Roger told me that he had a dream about me and we were discussing land in Montana. I think that I probably told him to move there.

Mary's having an awful day, Starbucks got her drink order all wrong so she's not coming into work...

Roger and I thought it was a little creepy that Typhinee was getting a call from Gary Cooper today, he's been dead since 1961. 

I don't think Kellen's girlfriend has a name, he always refers to her as his girl.

I found out yesterday that Michael is an expert mechanical bull rider, I found out many things yesterday after he sampled the beer.

 

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/25/2017

The Daily Chatter*

05/25/2017

Bill doesn't want to go to Texas because he won't be able to stay at the Four Seasons. It sounds like he's going to be roughing it at a Best Western, I hope he survives.

Steve is ultimately responsible for the In-N-Out burger sign hoax on the new Chick-Fil-A building in Covington that everyone seems to be talking about even though he wasn't the one who printed it. Toni's already upset with him and told him not to play with his emotions.

I was really disappointed to see that the "Goldbergs" weren't on last night and that some remake of "Dirty Dancing" was on instead. I couldn't watch it, "Dirty Dancing" is an 80's classic and it shouldn't be messed with, just let Patrick Swayze rest in peace.

I'm pretty sure Sarah was soliciting Joseph with pocket change today. She obviously knows that he's a young man who will do anything for money. 

Apparently Michael's an expert on beavers. I think he mentioned this after he taste tested the beer to the PSHEA meeting.

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/24/2017

The Daily Chatter*

05/24/2017

Steve walked his guy friend down the aisle in Vegas. His stories are really starting to sound like Toni's life.

"I can't look at that stuff because I'm married." Bill to Steve

Mary told Bill that he could look and Bill wanted Mary to call his wife. 

"Geeze your smart." Mary to Bill

"Don't logic me!" Toni to Bill

Tim, you're by yourself tomorrow night nobody wants to help you since you have a broken arm.

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/23/2017

The Daily Chatter*

05/23/2017

Happy Birthday Michael!

There's something wrong with Roger. We had carrot cake in the break room and he didn't bury his face in it. I think he's grieving the loss of Roger Moore.

"What the f*#$ were you doing today little b$%ch?" Tim to Toni   Bill liked Tim's quote so much that he decided to use it.

Bill broke our AC unit so please come in your bathing suit tomorrow to avoid heat stroke.

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/22/2017

The Daily Chatter*

05/22/2017

Toni says he feels like he boozed himself all weekend when in reality he just moved.

Tim always seems to be up on all of the latest gossip, I'm pretty sure he should be writing "The Chatter" from his new hospital bed that doesn't seem to be helping him sleep at night. 

Tim was so proud of himself, he wore different shoes today so that he could talk to Sarah. Needless to say they weren't the stilettos that he promised.

I swear Michael was here all day today, hopefully he learned his lesson and that will be the last time that he goes off gallivanting with Tim on a Friday when he should be working. 

OJ gets another parole hearing this July. Roger told the parole board that he would take OJ in if he was released. Roger thought that having OJ go to his job measures with him and having him do the closing portion of the sale with a possible death threat would encourage most of his clients to buy from him. He needs something to outdo Sarah since Sarah has way better legs than he does.

Summer seems to finally be here and Ryan and I got to go on a hike. We were so excited to see the sun that we were the first ones to the trail head at Snoquera Falls yesterday morning.

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/19/2017

The Daily Chatter*

05/19/2017

Toni dropped Nikki off at the airport this morning so that she could see Steve and Jenny in Vegas. 

I'm pretty sure Bill's not allowed to watch Katherine alone anymore. He went to the bathroom yesterday and came out only to find that she crawled all the way up the stairs because he didn't have one of the gates up and then she deviously laughed when he found her. I'm sure it was very Dr. Evil like.

I think Toni's feelings were hurt when Bill didn't want him this morning. It was a way longer conversation than it should have been.

Toni doesn't want to draw anything in Bill's zen garden because he doesn't want Mary to think that it was him who drew something naughty on a piece of carpet.


Toni decided today that Kellen wasn't the only one who was going to take advantage of the new kid. Toni got to take him to a job site and show him off as arm candy.

Bill said Mary ruined his Zen garden today and it stressed him out. It's just a good thing that it's Friday, I don't need to him to have an anxiety attack.

 *not to be construed as Gossip

05/18/2017

The Daily Chatter*

05/18/2017

Steve left for Vegas today, I hope Vegas and the airplane bound for Vegas is ready for Steve.

Tim realized that he couldn't talk to Sarah today because he wears the same shoes everyday. He promised to wear stilettos tomorrow so that he could break his other arm. Tim's such a liar because he told me that he's going fishing with his dad and brother tomorrow and I don't think stilettos would go over very well with them. He is more than welcome to try and find out first hand, I'm just afraid that his dad will call me and chew me out for being a horrible influence on Tim.

I apparently have to cut Sarah a little slack because she claims that somebody went into the conversation the other day and said something similar to "would you like to know why?" and instead of ignoring him, taking a fake phone call or faking suicide like she should have, she answered him.

Toni gets his house keys tomorrow!!!

If you don't respond to Tim within 24 hours he will call you a bastard and truly mean it.

Interesting Tim and Michael are both supposed to be gone again on the same Friday....

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/17/2017

The Daily Chatter*

05/17/2017

I seriously doubted Google this morning and I was put to shame. The voice on the radio did not sound like it could possibly be a man and it was Neil Sedaka singing Laughter in the Rain.

Leave it to Sarah to ask simple questions of somebody that nobody else wants to hear. Example when a certain somebody tells me that they only got three hours of sleep I say "oh that's nice" and I walk away. Apparently Sarah's too nice and she can't do that and then Typhinee has to hear the story and chew that person out for their stupid reasoning.

Bill got a Zen garden for his desk because apparently all of us stress him out. Everybody is pretty sure it's just a pile of coke though. I'm betting that Toni will draw male genitalia in it before the weeks end.

I think Kellen apologized to Joseph with an egg McMuffin this morning for their spat the other day.

"If I've learned anything from Roger its that you have to do coke off of a hookers a$$." Bill

I walked by Mary's office and she was talking about her eggs again. 

Toni wants to throw Bill's zen garden up against the wall. I think if Toni's ever allowed a Zen garden it's going to have to be full of cotton balls. 

Some of us found out yesterday that Sarah has quite a shoe intolerance. She doesn't like anyone who wears the same shoes everyday.
 

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/16/2017

The Daily Chatter*

05/16/2017

"I'm a terrible sales person." Toni because he didn't yell at Tim's customer (like Tim would have)

Steve had an interviewee with a painted pink BMX bike and purple bicycle pedals today. Toni would have loved this guy.

Toni found a knife, wrapped in a paper towel with a plastic bag and rubber bands around it under his spare tire. I never knew that Toni was a hit man.

Roger told me that he went to the strip club at lunch and the ladies didn't want to join him. I thought for sure that Sarah would be into that sort of thing.

It snowed on Snoqualmie Pass today. 

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/15/2017

The Daily Chatter*

5/15/2017

I came to the conclusion that I've been saying Sidney Poitier's name wrong my entire life and I will probably continue doing so. It's all thanks to TCM's Sidney Poitier movie night. 

Kellen totally dissed Joseph at lunch today, I think they might be having a lovers spat. It probably has something to do with Kellen going out again with the twenty-something year old.


Tim doesn't think he should have to stay off his bike for five months now that the doctor told him that he doesn't have to wear his sling......I told Donna to sell his bike now.




Since Nikki is going to be away while they move, I can already see the neighbors figuring out Toni's sexuality since he'll have all of his guy friends helping him move. 

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/12/2017

The Daily Chatter*

05/12/2017

Toni's excited, his house is supposed to close next week. 

Sarah is a horrible person. She was going to give me her yogurt today but then she wanted it back and instead she gave me some lame receipts that were in her other hand. I would call her an Indian Giver but that might offend Roger so I won't.

Toni has a weird fascination with Bona and he loves talking about it when he carries it around with him.

Toni wants to sleep with Pierce Brosnan. Pierce may be a little vulnerable right now since his step daughter died of ovarian cancer last month so he may be up for it.

Roger this meme reminded me of you today and it's good advice.

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/11/2017

The Daily Chatter*

05/11/2017

Happy Birthday Mary!

Toni says his wife was making weird noises in her sleep and he doesn't think he can take it anymore.

Tim lucked out this morning, everything was missing from his computer desktop and then he restarted it and everything was fine.

Toni thinks he should be a lender even though he doesn't have any money to lend.

Roger told me that he would write my bio for the website. I can imagine it already, "April is a sarcastic snob who thinks very highly of herself for being white trailer trash....April's husband and her coworker Roger have formed a unique bond at their abused spouses support meetings....April placed second nationally in sumo wrestling in high school...April's hobbies include making sh!@ up about me, walking the streets at night and selling meth that she makes in her bathtub."

I'm personally offended that Roger would even think those things about me, I'm not going to be able to work with him anymore. For starters I don't make meth in my bathtub I make it in Kellen's storage unit and secondly I don't have to walk the streets at night because I'm an escort, there's a huge difference.
 

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/10/2017

The Daily Chatter*

05/10/2017

I thought Joseph was trying to show me his muscles, he offered to carry a heavy box for me after he took off his shirt. Needless to say he was just trying to get Toni's attention.
Tim you're not alone, this was a headline today "Dr. Phil kept serious dirt bike accident secret for months". He apparently dislocated his shoulder and injured some ribs. The only reason Tim didn't keep his a secret is because he's a blabber mouth.

Toni tattled on me again for drinking at work. I tried to be discreet about it but maybe I shouldn't have labeled my mini fridge with stickers.

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/09/2017

The Daily Chatter*

05/09/2017

Steve was complaining today that he doesn't get to watch many movies at home because some of them scare his kids. He's looking forward to his Vegas trip just for the movies.

"I'm going to try to retire before Tim just to piss him off." Bill

Toni said that Tim wants to dump some more money into his bike. I'm pretty sure Donna's already given away his bike, she's already tired of taking care of his sorry a$$.

Toni has good news, he got his second house appraisal last night and everything should be ready to proceed now.

I think Roger's avoiding me again. I'm really not sure what I did to him this time that he found out about.

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/08/2017

The Daily Chatter*

05/08/2017

Happy Birthday to my amazing husband. 

Bill and I have decided that Tim needs someone to make life decisions for him because obviously he can't. He broke his arm/shoulder on his dirt bike when he probably shouldn't have been riding, considering that he was as sick as a dog the other day. His wife told me today that he's a dumba$$ so I think she's all on board with us making his decisions.

Bill warned Tim today that he can't retire because he'll do stupid sh^%.

Amazon has just come out with Echo Look which allows you to take a hands free photo of yourself and it will tell you the last time that you wore the same outfit or give you advice on which outfit to wear based on recent trends. I have a feeling that Michael is going to order this tonight.

If you don't want to talk to Typhinee please don't lurk around her office because that woman will tell you off. 

Bill told me that he has a hot date tonight and I told him that I was going to call his wife. 

It sounds like Tim is grumpy, he won't even let Donna fondle him (according to a conversation that I heard about).

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/05/2017

The Daily Chatter*

05/05/2017

Bill claims Katherine is a bully. He says that she beats all of her toys and is mean at home.

Katherine came in to defend herself while mommy and daddy went to lunch today and she was very sweet and denied everything that Bill said about her.

I was wished congratulations on my pregnancy today so I will be starving myself and taking laxatives all weekend. Technically the congratulations was for Roxanne and this rep thought that I was her since I had Katherine with me.

As Roger would say, I'm going to see China-men this weekend, we're going to the Terracotta Warriors exhibit at the Science Center.

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/04/2017

The Daily Chatter*

05/04/2017

It was so gorgeous yesterday that I got to sit outside when I got home and watch all of the birds mate around our deck. Seriously they were giving my husband horrible ideas. 

Poor Tim can now sing Smelly Cat with me.

Bill would like us to refer to him as beautiful and do a little cat calling (towards him) from time to time. He's tired of hearing about all of us ladies and our endless problems with men because we're all too beautiful.

Speaking of issues with men, Steve with Thompson was trying to get a little sympathy out of me by telling me that his wife talks more to their dogs than to him. I felt like telling him now you know how my husband feels (but with a cat).

"That happens with really important people like myself." Bill to some woman on the phone

Toni told me today that he didn't like somebody named Vasiliy (somebody we don't know). I thought Toni loved everybody especially dudes.

As far as good news Stephen Hawking's thinks we all need to find a new planet because Miley Cyrus says she's clean and sober (Yes, I have a problem with combining MSN's headlines but it usually makes for better stories).

Tim has already warned me that he probably won't be in tomorrow. 

I'm assuming that Bill left Katherine at home today with a bowl of food and maybe a few bottles since he came into work without her.

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/03/2017

The Daily Chatter*

05/03/2017

That's probably the last time that John Ferguson comes into our shop. His car got hit by a guy who was coming to rescue someone who needed their car jumped (who had just interviewed with Steve). Mary said John was extremely gracious and told the guy to forget about it. Then Mary asked if she could have the money.

Sarah tried strutting her stuff in heels today so I'm pretty sure she's the one we should thank for bringing the sunshine.

Roger tried telling me that I didn't look very good today but I'm pretty sure I can sing the heck out of Smelly Cat today so I don't need my looks.

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/02/2017

The Daily Chatter*

05/02/2017

I told Roger that I thought I was catching Kellen's cold and he automatically assumed the worst (that I did my favors for free). In my defense I wasn't the only one doing kinky stuff with Kellen because Tim thinks that he's catching it too. This is what happens when Kellen tells us he has a pocket full of money (you know how Tim can't resist cash and in my defense Tim made me do it).

Apparently Steve must have a foot phobia that's all I can say.

I thought I smelled BBQ, our neighbors have a food truck out in the parking lot for their shindig. 

Kellen was rear ended today in the big truck and Steve took him to be checked out by a doctor to make sure that he didn't have a concussion like Dwight did on "The Office" but Steve forgot to bring the spray bottle of water and if it wasn't for Damon on Friday Kellen would have also found a bottle of booze.

I thought this was another great picture that Roxanne took at the BBQ. Macy asked to have her new friend Katherine sit on her lap. 

 

*not to be construed as Gossip

05/01/2017

The Daily Chatter*

05/01/2017

Roger informed me that I can't wear green unless it's St Patrick's Day.

Howard came in and wanted to know how he was supposed to sell stuff to Bill when Bill wasn't here today. 

Sarah apparently loves men's opinions on what kind of face work she should have done. I think she just loves flirting with all of the men to see what they're willing to pay for.

Katherine layed down the law for Rowan on Friday. She was very clear with all of her demands and she apparently gave him something to think about before she could marry him but she did give into holding hands with him for now.

*not to be construed as Gossip

04/28/2017

The Daily Chatter*

04/28/2017

Kellen "has a girl" he's been out with her three times. I'm not sure why he isn't married yet.

Joseph (I think, I couldn't understand him) tried telling me that someone must have stolen his retirement paperwork out of his car.

*not to be construed as Gossip