12/30/2016

The Daily Chatter*

12/30/2016

Roger wanted to know how many serial killers we've hired and I told him he was the only one.

"Nobody ever puts me in the f*cking loop." Roger

One of Toni's elementary teachers works next door to us.

I just heard that the Carnegie Deli in New York is closing today after 79 years in business. They seriously had the best Ruben sandwich, I of course loved it because the whole thing was covered in cheese. I should seriously start doing that to all of my food.

I can't believe today is Matt's last day, it's the end of an era but if Matt comes back within a week I win all of the money.

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/29/2016

The Daily Chatter*

12/29/2016

Toni apparently has a celebrity dead pool going with some friends but Debbie Reynolds was not on his list. I think he finally put Kirk Douglas on the list only because he knew he turned 100.

Roger likes me again because I scare off certain people.

Mary's abusing her dog again. She made Riley get her teeth cleaned.

Toni's had a rough day, he got beat up and spit on by a woman who really shouldn't be a sales rep.  Needless to say I think he kind of liked it.

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/28/2016

The Daily Chatter*

12/28/2016

Matt really thinks he's leaving at the end of the week. Seriously whose going to tell him to cut his hair and shave daily? The other issue is I bet the other company doesn't know what a phalagne is. How is he going to know when to get off of a plane. I also don't think they're going to understand that when we have snow that Matt's going to want to make snow angels barefoot and in Toni's shorts.

Roger does horrible things to cats. His stories sound worse than "Christmas Vacation".

Now that we have the gong, we need the tall brass Giraffes from San Fransisco by the front door. I'd be happy to go to San Fransisco and pick them out, just to take the burden off of everyone else.

Sorry Matt, now that you're leaving we're giving the newer van to Joe and also the employee of the year award.

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/27/2016

The Daily Chatter*

12/27/2016

Poor Toni, his first crush died on Christmas. He seems to be pretty broken up about it, he kept his office door shut all day today.

Roxanne bought Bill his very own gong....She's going to pay for that.

Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) died yet her mother Debbie Reynolds is still alive at 84.

Toni wants to work Monday. He thinks everyone is lazy who doesn't want to work. Bill's pretty sure Toni's trying to turn this into Pottersville Flooring.

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/23/2016

The Daily Chatter*

12/23/2016

 
"Did someone tell you that you're fat or something?" Kellen to Me because I normally turn down his food that he offers me.

Toni's mother and sister came in today, it's a good thing that Tim wasn't here... 

"I do fill his head with weird ideas and lies, just to prepare him." Roger about his grandson

Merry Christmas everyone and Happy Festivus to Roger! Have a wonderful Holiday. 

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/22/2016

The Daily Chatter*

12/22/2016

I almost texted Roger last night to tell him to watch TVLand so that he would know how to be the Holiday Armadillo but I didn't want to get out of bed.

I'm a little disappointed in my husband right now. I asked him if he was going to make his famous artichoke dip for Christmas and he told me no. I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with this.

Tim's not coming back till the 3rd. He's sick of all of us.

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/21/2016

The Daily Chatter*

12/21/2016

"What am I going to do with an orange shirt?" Tim

Roger mentioned that he and my husband had a date at Costco last night. 

Steve was ticked because Bill wouldn't let him keep a certain pen because Bill thinks he's the only one in the office who should use special gel pens.

Toni and I convinced Bill that Aleppo was a hot new vacation spot since he hadn't ever heard of it before.

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/20/2016

The Daily Chatter*

12/20/2016

Mary and Randy like to send kinky texts between their whole family. Their poor children are ruined. 

Apparently "Love you in the a$$" will be the next family tattoo.

Bill said he had a hot date tonight. I can't imagine that it could be any hotter than Mary's night.

I know that my husband would probably call me a crazy bird lady since I love to watch the hummingbirds on our deck. I experienced a phone call today from a vendor whose boyfriend had several types of feeders on their deck and apparently he loves to caw at the crows to communicate with them and the story didn't even come close to stopping there. My husband should be thankful that I'm not as schizo as those people.

I kind of missed that Florence Henderson died last month. It must have been over Thanksgiving. Roger had quite a thing for her, he used to tell people that he was in charge of her fan club but in reality she had a restraining order against him and she demanded that he quit forwarding her mail to his mailbox.

Roger only wishes that this could have been him.

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/19/2016

The Daily Chatter*

12/19/2016

"I have enough blood suckers around here." Bill

Apparently Tim gets really grumpy when he doesn't get a piece of pizza. He tried stealing Bill's lunch today.

"Next to Steve I have a lot of class." Bill

"Somebody else want a piece of my a$$?" Tim

I'm pretty sure this is Shira's boyfriend.

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/16/2016

The Daily Chatter*

12/16/2016

Toni tried telling Steve that one of his truck choices was very gay. I wasn't sure if Toni was thrilled or offended.

Tim just can't get away from wearing his athletic shoes.

"You come home one time with glitter all over your body and your wife doesn't trust you." Bill

Remind me not to ever get on a plane with Cher.

"Maybe you shouldn't ask so many questions." Bill to Roger

I'm very upset that Dot and Donna aren't coming to our Christmas Party.....

Matt's already on beer #2 but nobody's counting.

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/15/2016

The Daily Chatter*

12/15/2016

Tim tried killing me with a mondo staple today.

Roger gave me tragic news today, he said that Dot might not be at our party tomorrow night.


Apparently this obituary has gone viral, it pretty much sums up what Roger does every Friday night.

Well it's a good thing that Michael can't make our Christmas Party tomorrow because this is what he told me. "Actually I’m not married and I get too wasted at Christmas parties and tend to run around naked.  Same with costume parties. Not a pretty sight for the spectators."

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/14/2016

The Daily Chatter*

12/14/2016

The big news of the day is that Alan Thicke died of a heart attack at the age of 69. What I didn't realize was that he co-wrote the theme songs for "The Facts of Life" and "Diff'rent Strokes".


"Dude, I cannot take you serious with those mittens." Bill to Joe

Steve says that he's dying. He caught a cold at the water park.

Tim comes back tomorrow from the same water park, I hope he doesn't bring Steve's cold with him.

Toni thinks the bum hole was a strippers bum hole because he thought it had glitter in it.

Mary told us about someone breast feeding their dog on a flight. Bill wanted pictures from her friend for science reasons.

Toni's not allowed near new knifes, his dainty little hands can't handle them.

I'm curious as to why Tim thinks that a one hour session a week with Roger will ail Toni? If he thinks it will help, I'll set up Roger and Toni's meeting spot at the Fed Ex by Roger's home. Then the next session can be at the zoo next to the monkey's.

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/13/2016

The Daily Chatter*

12/13/2016

"I must have looked like an out of work actor." Bill

"I'm trying to be a grown up but it's hard for me." Mary

I learned something new today, I had no idea that Jim Croce died in a plane crash in 1973.

Roger, I think Mary's going to need the name of your hit man and this time it's not for you....

Toni is convinced that this feature wall on a set of plans is of a bum hole. I guess I should believe him since he is an expert in that department but I beg to differ.

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/12/2016

The Daily Chatter*

12/12/2016

Cher is on my crap list again. He came in and told me that I did something wrong...I'll gladly admit if I did something wrong but when you only give me part of the puzzle pieces don't expect me to guess what you did and then tell me that I'm wrong especially first thing on a Monday morning. 

Matt made my crap list today too and he knows why. 

The cashier at Lowe's had to tell me late on Friday night about how Yoda represented peace on earth for Christmas where as the Star Wars Troopers did not. It's a good thing I picked out the Yoda lights for Bill and Toni's office otherwise I would still be standing in line listening to this kids reasoning's.

Toni and Tim think they're leaving early on Friday night so that they can go hunting the next morning.

Roger told me that he was hurt that his desk wasn't decorated for Christmas.

Roger I ordered you something special.

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/09/2016

The Daily Chatter*

12/09/2016

I think Roger was out past his bedtime last night because he was all uppity this morning.

Tim was sure entertaining all of the ladies in his office yesterday.

Kirk Douglas officially turns 100 today.

Steve seemed to be a little worried today when I mentioned I was going to call his wife about his choices. Apparently I need Toni's mother to come in here and give her "make good choices" speech to him.

Steve's at the water park until Wednesday of next week. What the heck? Doesn't he understand that Bill just went through something traumatizing and that Bill needs him to be a nap buddy.

 

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/08/2016

The Daily Chatter*

12/08/2016

Toni wants to know the second that it starts snowing.

I am going to have a very stern discussion with Dot about leaving Roger by himself. She went to Orlando this week and on top of it Roger was left alone over the weekend.....

Steve's cure all is take a tablespoon of bleach. 

Roger already told me that he's going to tear up the town with Matt tonight. 


Department 56 finally caught on to the true meaning of Christmas. They are finally selling Cousin Eddie and the RV.

 

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/07/2016

The Daily Chatter*

12/07/2016

Brrrrrrrr, don't try the triple dog dare today.

 
I finally got Bill to sign his resignation letter but of course he had to make several demands first.

Tim came back from lunch and immediately needed to shred his receipt from the strip club that all of the guys (except Toni) went to today.

Tim is now offering to pay me to take his parents to Reno for him.

Good news ladies, Matt claims that he's coming stag to the Christmas Party.

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/06/2016

The Daily Chatter*

12/06/2016

Now I absolutely know that Mary is Beverly Goldberg, she has a freaky pillow that looks like Michael (her son, not Tim's spa weekend lover). 

I understand that Google street view likes to protect some of our privacy by blurring faces and license plates but taking away peoples body parts, that's taking it a little far.

Toni may not be in tomorrow, somebody gave him 1.75 liters of Tequila for some early Christmas cheer.

Roger was depressed because he had to talk to me.

Apparently Toni's dad has grandchildren on his brain. Steve and Toni were at Toni's parents house and Steve took one of the car seats out to make room for something and Toni's dad asked if that was for the grand kids....Poor Steve first someone assumes that he's the dad of Ryan G. and now he has grandchildren.

Typhinee's Home Depot stalker came in today and recognized her from a zillion years ago. I have a feeling that he will be back.

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/05/2016

The Daily Chatter*

12/05/2016

"If they start hard balling, I'll claim mental health issues." Roger  Bill was pretty sure if they picked anyone out of Roger's second grade class they would be able to testify that Roger had issues back then.

Roger seems to very lost today. I'm pretty sure it's because his wife left him alone all weekend. She really should know better by now.

"In my defense I have a disease." Bill

Toni shared this food porn commercial with all of us today only because he was really into the pool boy and wanted to know where to get one.

I want to know why the word creamy is acceptable to Toni but not moist?

Ryan and I decided to see the snow early this week. We went to Mount Rainier yesterday and were going to snowshoe at Paradise but they never opened the gate at Longmire so we briefly got to snowshoe around Longmire and I was a stupid idiot and forgot my snow boots but I improvised with plastic bags and luckily those kept my feet dry.

*not to be construed on Gossip

12/02/2016

The Daily Chatter*

12/02/2016

Roger forgot that Bernie Mac died and his excuse was that it's been 8 or 9 years. Apparently he thinks Al Capone is still alive too. The odd thing is there were two honorings for Bernie Mac last month: one was Steve Harvey announcing a Bernie Mac Day in Chicago and the High School Bernie Mac went to renamed their auditorium in his honor.

"Every time I turn around it's a f*$%ing picture of Matt." Bill to Steve about our new brochure

Today we are 99% sure that Bill doesn't have lymphoma, Aids, Demon Pox, Hawaiian Cat Flu or Ebola.

"She is fired as my PR agent." Bill about Roxanne

*not to be construed as Gossip

12/01/2016

The Daily Chatter*

12/01/2016

It was sweet and touching, Roger was worried about Bill this morning.

Steve was pretty sure that there was something kinky going on with Typhinee and Sarah today until he realized that Typhinee had a baby on her lap.  

Steve made Katherine cry, she did not like him trying to playing peek-a-boo with her while she was watching Sesame Street.

Roger screwed up my day. I was watching Katherine and he texted Bill a picture of the two of them and all of a sudden Bill showed up and wanted his baby back.

I heard that Tim and Michael get to have a short fling tomorrow. Tim made it sound like they were going to some fancy resort and doing spa treatments all day. He was super stoked about the Four Hands Massage and the Ice Cream Pedicure. I hope he read the fine print because I'm sure it doesn't include real ice cream.

No matter what Katherine says don't put your finger in her mouth, those teeth are sharp. I think she uses her daddy's knife sharpener on them.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/30/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/30/2016

Steve offered to be Bill's cuddle buddy. Bill decided Steve would be great to nap with.

Now Mary and Tim are making bets on each other.

Roger told me that his employment contract states that he doesn't have to talk to me or another certain group of people.

The Mohawk guys just moved up a notch on my list for bringing in Famous Dave's today.

Toni sure has some women fooled that he's an actual gentleman. I swear he would make a great actor.

Roger's pretty sure that Tim's at home trying to steal and patent his flooring idea.

Roger told Bill that he's not a black woman. Luckily Bill sees the doctor tomorrow and the doctor will need to confirm this.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/29/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/29/2016

Apparently Tim thinks that we should pay for his betting habits especially if it happens during working hours.

Bill told me that I could tell his wife to take a hike today. How medicated was he? You can't talk to women that way.....

Bill insisted to Roger that he needed a 3/4" crack in his door.

Toni's the youngest sales person here and he's losing it. All of a sudden he thinks that somebody killed his fish Henry when he was gone on vacation. His fish died on 4/22/2014 which was a few days after Easter and he was here and not on vacation. At any rate he's offering a reward for information on the person responsible for Henry's death.

I think Toni needs to rethink the reward money considering he's saving for a down payment on a home.

Roger tried his hand at the reward money but convicting Nathaniel wasn't sensible. The kids boogers would have been very nutritious for that fish.

Poor Tim didn't appreciate my comments about him in our Christmas invitation so he didn't come back to the office today.

Who the crap accidentally called John Jones and didn't leave a message? He called back trying to figure out who called him and I don't think that he liked my answer that I just didn't care.

Roger needs to practice his Jewish Ross skills because he's going to be our Holiday Armadillo this year. 

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/28/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/28/2016

We can't make fun of Bill anymore because apparently he might have some rare disease.

"I'm somebody's b*tch." Steve

Apparently you don't want to leave a toothbrush at Typhinee's home or she'll clean the bathroom with it.

Roger's pissed he didn't get turkey for Thanksgiving. He would like the world to know that Thanksgiving is turkey day and not Cornish game hen day.

Roger's a little on edge today and would like to remind everyone that there is air freshener in the bathroom for a reason so he would like you to use it please.

Is it really considered work when Toni got to see pictures of a million naked Asian chicks on Friday when he went on a little field trip?

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/23/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/23/2016

Either we got a new heating system today or somebody stole the one that we had but we did get a new thermostat (pretty exciting).

Toni told me that he was going to hang himself in our warehouse (obviously he can't take Roger anymore). I did tell him he needed to do it somewhere else for insurance reasons.

Tim sure didn't last long today. He was already asking about time off for the next holiday.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving everyone!

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/22/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/22/2016

Bill claims that he can do the Harold Walk. I really want to know who Harold is. I seriously think it's some trendy new star who apparently has a swagger like John Wayne.
 
I looked up Harold and this was all I came up with.

Bill couldn't come to work today because he was too busy "Harold walking". I'm pretty sure his doctors have all told him to stay off his feet.

Poor Toni's going to have nightmares tonight about stupid installers and Humpback Whales. I saw an article that mentioned there's been a Humpback Whale in the Hudson River lately. I guess Captain Sully shouldn't land his plane there this week.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/21/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/21/2016

Apparently I am Crystal's BFF or her only friend who knows anything about computers. This morning she asked me how to open a certain file on her computer. She then told me that it wasn't anything dirty. Then she asked if she could send the file to me and have me open it and send it back to her, I explained why that wasn't going to work. Then she proceeded to tell me about a psychic who called her about her dad (her dad has been dead for fifteen years.) She thinks the information in the file is from the psychic about her dad.

Bill has a cast on because he would like more sympathy around the office, he claims that he has Achilles tendinitis.

Steve claims that it's Jenny's fault that he's a slob because she cleans up after him.

Bill and Roger think that I'm a dude.

Speaking of dudes, Toni's secret admirer has some dude staying on his couch. 

Tim saw a picture of Bill's horrible looking feet today and he was not impressed. He stopped making fun of him after seeing that. 

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/18/2016

 The Daily Chatter*

11/18/2016

 
"It's like getting cocaine for Christmas. My dad was heavily into coke." Roger reminiscent of Christmas because of our new holiday hand soap in the bathroom

A vendor asked Toni for his email today to send him something and Toni told the gal that he doesn't use email or have a phone. He then asked for her to send it snail mail and I don't think she understood.

Michael said that Katherine was finally looking human (whatever that was supposed to mean). 

Michael couldn't resist petting my furry cape today. Usually Tim's the one who can't resist but he was off his game today. He was probably just looking forward to being out on a boat alone and cuddling with Toni tomorrow.

We had a baby day care today which ended up being more of a baby fight club. Katherine really got her legs into it and she tried choking Mali with her own necklace. To top it off Mary wasn't here to interfere. 

 
Toni was super stoked to put on a Broadway musical of "Frozen" for Steve's three year old daughter today. Somehow they even got around to building a fort, I really thought that was too manly of a thing for Toni to do but I think he got excited about decorating it.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/17/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/17/2016

Toni was upset the other day because somebody wanted to make stuffing for his Friendsgiving and he felt like that was his thing. Ryan mentioned today that stuffing is a very personal thing and he totally understands where Toni is coming from. In fact he mentioned that they are kindred spirits.

"My life is just a mess." Roger

I made the mistake of telling Toni that some woman had a guys name and I couldn't remember what it was so he started reciting all of his lovers names trying to make me remember.

Toni tried to reassure himself today by telling himself out loud that he was strong (while picking up a hardwood sample).

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/16/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/16/2016

Tim was sure demanding today. Don't worry I stood my ground and now I have a new enemy. He's not going to tell me what to do without buying me chocolate first.

I apparently do need to rethink this enemy thing because Tim was talking about taking all of us to Tahiti, he was feeling super rich. His wife must of let him have some money.

I'll be nice to Tim again if he books our trip tomorrow. If not, he's never going to get the paperwork that he wants.

Tim, a trip to virtual Tahiti doesn't count.

In weird news, China banned web searches for "Fatty Kim the Third" but thank goodness that doesn't apply to us.

In other weird news Twitter thought I should follow a dude named SuperBrownBum, TopShelfPremium and some panty hose company. I don't even do Twitter but it thinks I'm a slutty alcoholic. I swear Roger must be spreading lies about me to all of the people at Twitter or they know about all of my DUI's.

 *not to be construed as Gossip

11/15/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/15/2016

Bill told his wife today that he buys "Hustler" magazine just for science.

Roger found my husband at Starbucks last night with a bunch of women. 

"I think you underestimate my skills." Kellen to Bill    I'm pretty sure Bill doesn't really think about his sweet skills.

 Steve wanted to steal my job today.

"Here I am the boss instigating trouble." Bill to Steve

The picture below should intrigue Toni to want to watch this video, it's pretty clever.
https://www.facebook.com/viralthread/videos/599389896900364/

Somebody told me that I was perfect today. Obviously this person hasn't talked to Roger.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/14/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/14/2016

Bill threatened to fire Toni because he doesn't like to put celery in his homemade stuffing.

I think my marriage is over, my husband was receiving sexts from a drunk girl named Jennifer late on Friday night.

Tim claims that Toni started f%@#$ing with him first thing this morning. I swear that Toni's turned all of our guys gay.

Toni wanted me to pick the restaurant for Nikki's birthday dinner tonight so that he could blame everything on me if it wasn't good. I didn't want to fall into his trap so I told him to be a man and he started to cry.

Somebody told Mary that she was the only one left at the office....Typhinee and I were still there. Just because Toni leaves doesn't mean the rest of us don't count.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/11/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/11/2016

 Both Robert Vaughn (played in the original "Magnificent Seven") and Leonard Cohen (the singer song writer) just died.

Don't call Tim and tell him you're ready to jump to your death because of the election results. Apparently he'll tell you to jump especially if he's in the middle of going to dinner. 

Toni apparently has really fun lunches with his clients.

How did I get so lucky today? It must be a Veteran's Day Miracle. Usually Crystal calls on Fridays for all of the stupidest reasons.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/10/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/10/2016

Roger was in an accident today, he's ok but he would like special attention anyways. He thinks a distraught Democrat ran into him. If we need to take him to the ER for a concussion please remember the spray bottle of water and tell him he's going to Chuck E. Cheese, just a couple little things that I learned from "The Office".

On this day in 1969 "Sesame Street" first aired.

Toni offered his "services" today to a man via text for his really large gold gun.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/09/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/09/2016

Roger thinks Hilary might file for divorce today.

According to Mary, Donald had his tweeter account taken away from him. Bill also told her to keep drinking straight for the next four years. I'm going to remind him what he said when he complains about her horrible appearance for the next several years.

This is pretty sad when this was the top search for yesterday. "According to Google Trends, the fourth most searched question about Hillary Clinton in the last 24 hours is this: “Is Hillary Clinton Republican?”"

Toni didn't want Bill's pick me up today. Bill thought he picked up his daughter just fine so when Toni didn't want his services he was crushed.

Somebody stole this guys Kit Kat bar so Kit Kat decided to give him a whole car load of Kit Kat's. This guy really needs to start locking his doors or else his future wife will hate him someday.

*not to be construed as Gossip