11/30/2015

The Daily Chatter*

11/30/215

"We need more holidays on Thursdays."  Roger

Roger thought that the weatherman and I made up the term freezing fog.

Tim pretty much called Mary a whore today because of her new dolphin tattoo. She's already a whore but definitely not because of her tattoo.

Steve is officially having another girl.


MSN had a top 25 Christmas movie list today and "Die Hard" didn't make the cut.

Ryan and I discovered that the show "Drunk History" is way funnier when you're drunk too.

Don't ever ask Tim to watch your horses because he'll whine about watching them the whole time.

"I'm a G......., that baby can't afford to lose anymore brain matter." Bill

Typhinee claims she has the flu but I'm pretty sure she stayed home for Cyber Monday.

Toni seems to think that the guys will be up for Sushi for Friday lunch.

*not to be concerned as Gossip

11/25/2015

The Daily Chatter*

11/25/2015

Crystal gave me her debit card pin today in case anybody wants it.

Toni said something about his tattoo being bunched up today so I talked to him a little about his weight. Now he says that I think that he's fat and queer.

Mary told Typhinee to whore herself out to get her kitchen tile job done. Mary told her that's how she got her car.

Roger claims that he's not going to be the craziest person at Thanksgiving tomorrow.

A preview of Baby U'nnells.

Roger, remember to hashtag everything with #thanksgivingwithwhitefamilies because of your KKK association.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving and don't forget to wear your stretchy pants.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/24/2015

The Daily Chatter*

11/24/2015

Roger claims that his wife came to her senses and is going to come home tomorrow.

I'm really starting to like the Belgiums for more than their chocolate, they used cat memes on Twitter recently to confuse terrorists of police movement in the city.

The Onion gives a step by step with pictures on how to cook the perfect Thanksgiving turkey.
http://www.theonion.com/slideshow/11-steps-for-cooking-a-perfect-thanksgiving-turkey-34625

Roger told me that he thinks I'm right about Toni.

I think I probably freaked Nathaniel out, I told Toni that I already have three DUI's for the week.

Mary told me that if I got a sexually transmitted disease that I couldn't blame it on her. I'm pretty sure that I can....especially with all of the names that she was name dropping today.

Toni called me out on my loud gulping today and then Mary had to chime in and give me he$$ for it too. It's a good thing Ryan wasn't here because he would have gone for hours.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/23/2015

The Daily Chatter*

11/23/2015

Apparently Typhinee is older than Nathaniel's mother.

Interesting, Tim told me that Roger wanted Dot to leave last week and this week she did, she left for Palm Springs without Roger. 

I think Toni's afraid of snakes and the back room because of the hissing noise.

Toni told me that I sounded just like his dad today. I wasn't sure if it was my voice or what I said to him.

Steve slapped Toni's new tattoo for him. As Bill put it, Toni will be crying later tonight and Steve will be laughing at what he did.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/20/2015

The Daily Chatter*

11/20/2015

Joe had quite the evening, he walked to our office from I-5 where his van broke down and then  stayed the night in his sleeping bag at the office.

Toni was so drunk from Friday lunch that he was trying to text with his calculator. 

Toni now calls Andrew and Roger "The Costco Mafia."

 Freak, Goldie Hawn turned 70.

Tim will be the only one working the Friday after Thanksgiving because he didn't get his form filled out in time....

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/19/2015

The Daily Chatter*

11/19/2015

Steve was tickled pink that he finally got his revenge on Bill from his helper days. Bill was showing an installer how to install some LVP and Steve had to show up to help out and he told Bill that he couldn't leave and didn't care if he was shooting stuff out either end because they needed to finish.

According to Roger he did not make a call to Egypt the other day but he did.... (Apparently you don't put a phone number and a time next to each other and then call it). So now he thinks he's on the government watch list. What he doesn't realize is that a very long time ago I put a call into the NSA, FBI, CIA, TSA, EPA, DOJ and Alien Task Force Agency (the same one that harassed Alf) on his behalf.

Mary says she shouldn't make out with the new hires anymore because they end up getting sick....I'm sure this won't stop her though.

"Tim just wants it all." me  "Typical white entitlement." Roger

Toni now knows what Baby Metal is.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/18/2015

The Daily Chatter*

11/18/2015

Tim told me that Toni cheated on Nikki yesterday and that Roger wants his wife to leave....I'm not sure how he knows all of this but he needs to write his own Gossip Column.

Roger apparently made Andrew very sick....so much so that Andrew had to miss another day just to avoid seeing Roger. Roger also made Mary sick yesterday because she didn't come in today either.

I saw an article today that was titled "Proud of his Son" with a picture of Martin and Charlie Sheen. Needless to say I didn't read the article because there were too many words but I want to know is he really proud that his son did everything and everyone that he possibly could to get HIV?

According to a credible news source, The Onion, Obama issued his third presidential pardon to get Biden out of jail this year.

Roger told me that if I didn't like a certain movie that he would personally refund me my money for renting it. I'm sure that Bill wishes for the same money back guarantee courtesy from Roger recommended movies but we won't go into that.

Toni just told me that the next James Bond is black and the most outspoken person in our office told us that's never going to work.

Why is it that Roger always has the most interesting stories....He was offered a hit off of a bong at a measure today.

Tim sent me this today. 

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/17/2015

The Daily Chatter*

11/17/2015

"Crack heads are weird." Bill

"I misunderstood you, I used those pages to wipe my a$$." Bill to a customer while on the phone

Roger made Andrew sick.

Tim didn't recognize Bill and Roxanne's feet in yesterdays Chatter.

Bill compared his body to a Ferrari's today.....Maybe his wife will agree with him but she is hormonal and pregnant right now.

Charlie Sheen has now confessed that he's HIV positive. Hopefully that will keep Toni from sleeping with him. 

Mary wants it to be known that she didn't call in sick today but if you happen to call in sick tomorrow, we'll all know where you got it from and we'll also blame Randy for whatever he has too.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/16/2015

The Daily Chatter*

11/16/2015

Tim made Bill responsible for Monday's. I'm pretty sure Monday's have been around before Mr. U'nnell's time.

Everyone wanted to know when Mary quit because her desk was absolutely spotless this morning. Roger asked if Bill finally fired her and I started the rumor that Mary fired Bill but he wouldn't leave so she gave up and left.

Bill and Roxanne made their announcement on FB over the weekend but I've got to ask who in Washington State doesn't know? Maybe it was an announcement for the people that they don't like.

 "Can I take the intern?" Toni to Bill while trying to get something kinky going

Typhinee asked one of the subs today what he was going to do about a problem on a job and the installer told her "I'm Mexican, give me a screw driver and I'll build you a house."

Mary thinks Randy made up a word, Craptastic. 

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/13/2015

The Daily Chatter*

11/13/2015

"Tim is the straw that stirs the drink." Roger

"I'm the f*cking man Bill." Toni

"I'm Brad Pitt from "Moneyball"." Toni

"That's the only reason I come in on Friday's." Bill about Friday lunch

"They spit silk out their a$$, it's just weird." Toni about spiders

For some reason Crystal actually thinks that we care that her furnace died.  Probably because Nathaniel told her he would go over to her place and warm her up. That poor kid doesn't know what he's in for.

Steve has now given ding butt a new middle name, Crystal Methony.

Toni can't keep a secret, he's a blabbermouth just like Tim.

Mary thinks we need to get rid of everyone 50 and older. That means Roger is going to come in Monday looking like Joey when he wanted to audition as a teenager.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/12/2015

The Daily Chatter*

11/12/2015

Matt obviously needs to get rid of his girlfriend because our Christmas party and her Company Christmas party are on the same night.

Bill embarrassed his wife this morning while they were on the phone and apparently he'll be sleeping in the garage tonight since Nathaniel has the other bedroom.

"Oh geeze I'm not going in there until next week." Roger about our bathroom

We keep getting people looking for icork and 90% of the time they drive up in a Prius. 

"It must be hard for Ryan to live with someone as perfect as you are." Mary  (My husband may throw up after seeing this but he better at least agree out loud)

According to Roger, Andrew met my lesbian partner today. Hope was at home but April was not because Roger says she was at work.

According to Ellen the Red Starbucks cup might as well be the Satan Sipper and thanks to Mary for telling me about this.

Apparently Target's sweater is offensive too. Perfect I want the sweater and the matching red cup. 

I was reading through Dumbest Job Applicants and I thought all of these were brilliant because the interviewer wasn't going to forget them anytime soon.

"An individual applied for a customer-service job, and when asked what he might not like about the job, he said, 'Dealing with people.'"

"Applicant put up posters of himself in the company parking lot."

"The candidate arrived in a catsuit."

"Applicant rented a billboard, which the hiring manager could see from his office, listing his qualifications."

"A job applicant came in for an interview with a cockatoo on his shoulder."

“The candidate told the interviewer he was fired from his last job for beating up his boss.” 

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/11/2015

The Daily Chatter*

11/11/2015

Nathaniel wanted to know why traffic was so light this morning.

"I'll go with anyone who starts f*cking driving." Toni about lunch    Bill thought Toni was hangry today.

"Is Mary just bragging up her daughter." Bill

"You are the Beverly Goldberg of your daughter."  Bill

Toni said that Tim is a blabbermouth and truth be he is and he'll even tell you that himself.

Bill made me invite the rest of the employees to the Christmas Dinner today, what gives?

Mary looked at Roger today and said that she was gagging in her mouth. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the Crystal breast milk conversation that they were having. 

Tim's an a$$ according to Mary.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/10/2015

The Daily Chatter*

11/10/2015

"I want to go to lunch, come pick me up, I'm too drunk to drive." Roger to Tim

Ryan, Bill opened your package again. He said he was almost done making a stew in it, I'm not sure why he didn't finish it though. Bill also needs to learn what the difference is between a cast iron dutch oven and a crockpot is...

The headline of the day "No joke, the clip-in man bun exists".  I think we should all have one of these for the Christmas Dinner.

Tim was making fun of me today for adding hot water to my cold water....Obviously he's going to get the Person who needs to F*&$ Off Award at our Christmas Dinner. 

Roger seemed very disturbed that I was spending too much time in his back room today. I told him I was only trying to find out where he hides his alcohol. The only thing I found in his desk was Boone's Farm and I know that you can't get drunk off of that so I know he has to be hiding something better somewhere else. 

 

 *not to be construed as Gossip

11/09/2015

The Daily Chatter*

11/09/2015

Toni said he was in late because he was up late last night drinking and swearing and not recycling his beer cans. At least he came in today that's more than Roger did.

Michael totally called it today, he said it was about time for me to take a cruise and he's right I have less than a month now.

Roxanne's legacy at the Marriott lives on, they still have her voicemail message.

"We're a delicate sex." Bill

Toni saw an article where they referred to a guy whose name is Dick Pound and that's all Toni can talk about today. I'm pretty sure he's going to change his name to that. I still prefer Crap Bag and Princess Consuela Banana Hammock.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/06/2015

The Daily Chatter*

11/06/2015

Some contractor signed Toni and Bill up to be the first customers at Waxing the City.

"Steve needs to shut up." Bill

"You don't like being wrong Roger, you went all the way to a doctor to prove that right." Bill

"I think I'm dying." me "Can you do it quieter?" Bill

Crystal was mad at all of us because none of us cared to notice her new hair color.

Poor Toni, both Mary and Tim ganged up on him today about his gay jacket.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/05/2015

The Daily Chatter*

11/05/2015

I just want to say the Viewer Discretion Advisory is all because of Mary. 

Nathaniel finally came back to work. Roger told him he was a wuss for going to the hospital, he said he should have taken ibuprofen and he would have been either fine or dead.

Normally I'm the one who hangs up on solicitors and I had one hang up on me today, it was awesome.

Roger didn't want to talk to Charlize Theron today, I'm really not sure why.

I didn't see this coming but Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani both recently got divorced to be together, I wonder how expensive that mistake was......

Roger told me that I'm normally a nice person but he's heard some stories from Ryan. Then Toni interrupted him and told everyone that I hit him when he's left alone with me at the office.

Toni came in this morning talking about how hot Justin Timberlake looked at the CMA Awards last night. 

Hopefully Mary has already given Toni his birthday gift or otherwise I just ruined his surprise. She found a Scrote n' Tote Nut Sack Backpack for Toni since he seems to really fixate on male anatomy.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/04/2015

The Daily Chatter*

11/04/2015

Happy Birthday Toni!

Bill thinks that Mary owes him big time since she owes him a couple bucks from lunch yesterday....

Toni has a new saying "Son of birches".

Apparently Finland's hottest new painter is a bear. We really need to find an animal that can install flooring then we would have it made.

Kind of funny, one of Roger's customers called him last night because they didn't think their flooring got installed because the husband looked through the window and didn't see a big mess.

Toni's real dad (Jon) came in today but Toni wasn't here.

Bill's baby may interfere with Tim and my birthday weeks, its due on the 7th of June and if it comes early it could have Michael's birthday.  

Toni sent me this video, maybe our guys aren't so creepy after all.

"Mary's a girl, can you write that down?" Mr. U'nnells

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/03/2015

The Daily Chatter*

11/03/2015

"You look like the pizza delivery boy." Roger to Tim

"That guy thinks he's so cool." Roger about the ambulance driver making all of the noise across the street

Bill and Roxanne got to see and hear their baby today. The unfortunate thing is they only got to see one baby and I know there's two more hiding in Roxanne's tummy.

The Seattle gum wall is going to get a scrub down after twenty years. That kind of seems like a waste of time and money because it's a gum wall....

Instead of Bill telling some guy that he would assess the situation he just called him "asses" instead (he must be a large man if Bill thinks he qualifies for multiple).

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/02/2015

The Daily Chatter*

11/02/2015

Ryan and I found where all of the Asian and Indian kids trick or treated on Saturday Night. This was Bellevue Square and it was jam packed, it was worse than Christmas time.

Nathaniel (and 22 other people) apparently got ecoli from Chipotle and that's why they closed all of their stores.

"I wouldn't trust me either, I'm a sh*tbag." Toni to me

Roger thinks we should have pot brownies for Matt's birthday.

Roger still wants to know what happened to Jimi Hendrix. Roger apparently has already had some pot brownies because Jimi is only 7.7 miles away from our office.

I saw an armadillo on tv last night and I couldn't figure out what it was since it wasn't Ross sized.

Bill brought in a whole box of Halloween candy yet the Gummy Bears he brought in weren't sugar free so how were we supposed to dare people to eat bags of them? Bill did bring up a good point that we do only have one bathroom.

"She's going to lure me into her sex dungeon." Toni about Darcy

Covergirl now has a limited edition Star Wars makeup. Have fun in the makeup aisle boys.

*not to be construed as Gossip