11/30/2018

The Daily Chatter*

11/30/2018

Sarah is going on her annual trip to Leavenworth to see the Christmas tree lighting tomorrow. I'm pretty sure Kellen's going with her but she does have a good excuse, she claims that her husband won't go with her, that's always a good excuse to cheat just ask Roxanne.

Typhinee told us about her doctors visit today and man it sounded pretty hot and steamy. Her descriptions of all of their positions sounded like it came out of a smutty Kama Sutra book. I'm pretty sure all of the ladies in the office are now going to to make appointments to see him and complain of "leg pains" just to get the same thrill that Typh had. It was apparently so exhausting for her that she came into work and laid on the floor.

Bill and Roxanne's daughter figured out an awesome trick, she took some rope from a toy that she has and tied her brother by his neck to the baby gate.

Michael told me that he was going home to wrap my Christmas gifts. How many lumps of coal should I expect?

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/29/2018

The Daily Chatter*

11/29/2018

I felt like I was living in "Little House on the Prairie" times last night. I had to heat water on the stove for a bath last night and run it up and down the stairs. Luckily Ryan did finally get the hot water working last night around ten after having a series of unfortunate events.

U-Line sent us four catalogs yesterday and the funniest address was to Bill and they labeled him as a Volunteer for his official title.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/28/2018

The Daily Chatter*

11/28/2018

For those of you who haven't heard we had a hot water heater leak at our home on Sunday. It wasn't a horrible leak, thank goodness but we made our Lowe's trip only to find out that hot water heaters are terribly expensive nowadays so we opted to buy a tankless hot water heater online and wait a few days. That showed up yesterday so Ryan went to work on it and a few things fell apart so we were without and still without water of any sort at home. Then today he tried to install it and couldn't get it to work so hopefully the one that he picked up from Home Depot will work. Bill offered to rent me his Enumclaw home and the selling point was that it has two hot water heaters, it's very tempting.

According to Toni Elf on the Shelf is like having a child rapist in your home.

I blamed Ashley today because now Bill thinks I sound like a broken record when I complain. I'm sure this is somehow Roxanne's fault too.

Bill thinks that I'm stealing water from the office just to take home with me.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/27/2018

The Daily Chatter*

11/27/2018

"I have a hot date with Mitch." Toni

Bill's pretty sure that his wife is having an affair, she came home late last night and he's afraid that her cousins horrible friskidity with strangers rubbed off on her.

Michael wanted everyone to know how helpful and wonderful he was today. He claims that he was helping Tim out big time and he would appreciate presents tomorrow.

Tim thinks that Bill and I are going to put his Safeway out of business with the way we buy everything online. That's remarkable because Tim's Safeway isn't anywhere near where Bill and I would be.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/26/2018

The Daily Chatter*

11/26/2018

Toni just discovered the barrier at the side street exit that all of us were talking about last week.

Sarah found out that Kellen got stuck on a crappy route, the mall, so obviously Kellen already irritated his new employer.

Roger told me something remarkable the other day but I'm not supposed to know or tell anyone. He told me that Sarah and her husband both work for the CIA.

Mary is finally questioning her son in law. She mentioned today that he's the only one who doesn't love the coffee that she made as mementos that she gave out at her mothers funeral.

Bill and Steve were talking about the best places to pick up hookers for the Christmas Party (just in case anyone wants to follow their lead). Roxanne and Jen apparently you two can go together unless you have dates. (Roxanne, I'm just assuming that your cousin will set you up with someone for free).

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/21/2018

The Daily Chatter*

11/21/2018

Faith told Typhinee that she looked like a little kid...Faith's one to talk, she like four foot something and probably has to shop in the children's department for her clothes. 

A customer called Mary immoral because she wanted him to pay the rest of his bill. Toni on the other hand called me a whole list of names because I was being mean to him and wanted him to turn in his billings. 

Apparently it must not have been a very good night at the strip club because Michael said he had a bunch of dollar bills left over. 

Mystery solved, it was Bud's money that I found on the floor right next to the womens restroom this morning which isn't pervy or anything. 

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/20/2018

11/19/2018

The Daily Chatter*

11/19/2018

"It's getting harder to do arts and crafts around here." Bill because he couldn't find a glue stick

Faith called Tim a wise guy and he didn't like it. I don't think he wants to be known as The Godfather around here.

Tacoma apparently wasn't good enough for Ashley to see Fleetwood Mac at on Saturday night so she decided to drive to Portland to see their concert tonight. This is why she'll be a walking zombie tomorrow.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/16/2018

The Daily Chatter*

11/16/2018

Bill was very offended that someone messed with his coffee this morning, he said it smelled like nuts and not the kind that are in Toni's coloring book.

Jared was telling me this morning that his son was heartbroken last year when he refused to buy him a Roomba just for the cat to sit and ride on.

I wrote on our Christmas Party invite that escorts needed to be over 21. Heather informed me that at her last job the guys had three hookers at their Christmas Party one year, sounds like they knew how to party.

Tim told me that I have the best fingernails just in case anyone is in competition with me.

Faith told me the other day that I had that April look when I was telling her something. The weird part was I wasn't even thinking of something devious. I wasn't planning on doing anything to Michael at that time so I'm not sure what's she's talking about.

I have to say that most men look great in uniforms and especially in Toni's coloring book. Unfortunately Kellen didn't have that effect on me today when I saw him in his UPS uniform, he looked more like a brown Christmas Elf.

Roger, Faith and Typhinee are all flaking on our Christmas Party. Two of them will be overseas and one claims that her daughters birthday is that day.

The funniest thing is Kellen works at the same location as Sarah's husband.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/15/2018

The Daily Chatter*

11/15/2018

Tim apparently loves us this week and is willing to work this Friday.

Toni can't remember all of the horrible things that he's already said in front of the new girl.

Toni came into my office smelling like cologne this afternoon. Normally Toni doesn't wear cologne so it makes me think that he was rubbing up against another man wearing cologne or either he got wild with all of the cologne samples that they give away at Master Wholesale (which I've never heard of them doing). 

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/14/2018

The Daily Chatter*

11/14/2018

Ashley got the rest of her drain tubes taken out today and now she is constantly flashing all of us. If Roxanne really wanted to see some T&A yesterday she should have just come here.

Crystals apparently make Mary very happy.

Toni brought his wife into work today and paraded her around trying to make all of us believe that he's really the father of her baby.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/13/2018

The Daily Chatter*

11/13/2018

First thing I heard Bill say while he was on the phone this morning was "She was buck naked?" so automatically I thought wow Roger had a good measure this morning. Apparently Roxanne decided to go to a non-bikini (no bikini, no nothing) barista for coffee this morning. On top of it she paid nine something for a mocha and then gave the woman a five dollar tip (so that she could afford clothes). Bill is now questioning his wife's sanity and he informed her that porn is free.

Bill and I are kind of feeling left out, we feel like we are the only ones who haven't been to one of these coffee ladies because even my own mother has a story about going to one.

Toni was mentioning to us that he went to a naked woman coffee stand this week and he thought it was fine because a contractor recommended the place. He said he had a five dollar bill out and the woman said it was nine dollars for coffee.

Bill asked where Ashley was this morning and I said she was out in the warehouse showing the installers her new boobs. He was very quick to get out of his chair and go out there.

Leave it to Tim to do a $5.00 dare that Bill offered. He jumped face first into a humongous pile of leaves today.

The doctor claims that Bill is cured of sarcoidosis but I never really thought it was a real disease anyways.

Toni got to hear his baby's heartbeat today.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/12/2018

The Daily Chatter*

11/12/2018

Leave it to Tim to ask who's pumpkin (the new girls car) was in the parking lot this morning in his loudest voice.

"Steve not being here is really f@#$ing everybody." Toni

Bill was telling somebody that he wasn't in the flooring business for the money but to help humanity or some BS that Roger would say.

"I'm in a bad area." Bill about being at work

Toni and Nikki are pregnant with triplets and they have their first ultrasound tomorrow. Apparently when they announced their news Mary didn't even respond to them because she thought it was a bad joke but she eventually came around.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/09/2018

The Daily Chatter*

11/09/2018

Bill was showing me a video of his son dancing. He's pretty sure he's already taking after Toni. 

Roger asked me if I was an alcoholic today over the phone. He should of had the common decency to ask me in person like the rest of my co-workers. 

Mary was gone today and her trunk club box was delivered and Sarah couldn't stand not knowing what was in it. Sarah decided that Mary wouldn't notice if she switched out her cute items with the articles of clothing that she found laying on Toni's office floor. 

The new chick starts on Monday when Ashley will hopefully be back talking about her tattas all day. 

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/08/2018

The Daily Chatter*

11/08/2018

Poor Toni, all of the guys were making fun of him in the warehouse this morning.

My husband thinks I demand his attention. I was watching "Frasier" last night and the character Niles was sneezing non stop on the show from an allergy to parchment mites. Low and behold I started sneezing and couldn't stop.

The new girl drives an orange car, that doesn't really fit into our color scheme in the parking lot around here.

Tim gives pathetic answers when he wants to leave town and not work.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/07/2018

The Daily Chatter*

11/07/2018

Bill bumped his shoulder on the underside of his desk today and he had a flu shot yesterday so he thinks he should be at home in bed resting just like Ashley.

Toni thinks that he's a handy mother f#$%er, I couldn't tell if Bill agreed or if he was contemplating why he hired Toni.

Tim put the stripper mobile on Craigslist. He's trying everything to get out of taking all of us to the Christmas Party.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/06/2018

The Daily Chatter*

11/06/2018

Ashley's in trouble with Bill, she didn't come in after her surgery today.

Bill had a dream last night that I was a b*$ch. I'm pretty sure that's what many people call me on a daily basis.

I think Bill will be writing a letter to whomever decided that the show "$#*! My Dad Says" made the 50 worst TV shows in modern history list and apparently I'll be writing one over "Dr Ken" making that list also.

Bill was harassing Toni and me about whether or not we got our flu shots yet and I told him that we were fine because we both swapped spit with Sarah who had the flu recently.

It sounds like Roxanne is volunteering to be the designated driver at our Christmas Party this year as long as she's not passed out from all of the alcohol that she intends on drinking....

Toni thinks that he was more responsible at sixteen than he is now.

Amazon is now suggesting some interesting things for me now that I bought Toni a men in uniforms coloring book.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/05/2018

The Daily Chatter*

11/05/2018

Happy Birthday Toni! I was glad to hear that he loved his men in uniforms coloring book because I really like it too.

I thought for sure that Tim was going to offer the hunting/stripper mobile to give us all rides in to and from our Christmas Party. He didn't offer and it can't be because he doesn't want to get stuck driving all of his inebriated co-workers home...

My husband always feels bad for Toni on his birthday and the he$$ that I put that poor kid through.

Ashley is going in her for surgery tomorrow and Bill expects her to be back to work tomorrow afternoon (since her surgery is early in the morning).

I found out that another one of our sales people (besides Tim) prefers wearing a onesie.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/02/2018

The Daily Chatter*

11/02/2018

Michael told Toni that he needs to become a stay at home dad. Apparently Michael thinks that Toni's dog Larry has been neglected and I think that Michael's ready to get his own office...

I think John is trying to outdo Roger on crazy measure stories. He went to an Airbnb house that a dead body had previously bled out onto the floor at but everything had been cleaned up. I guess if this had been Roger's measure the body would have still been on the floor and the customer probably would have asked him if he could dump it somewhere.

I think I'm close to having something to send out on the invitations for our Christmas Party. Since this is what Tim thinks Ashley and Sarah do all day, I thought this was very fitting:

Come do lines of coke with the women from your office for your company Christmas Party at the very classy Spot Tavern. 

HGTV apparently bought the old Brady Bunch home to remodel.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/01/2018

The Daily Chatter*

11/01/2018

I think everyone was jealous of my fur cape today, Mary thought that I was wearing my cat and Tim just wanted to pet me.

Roger thinks that I need to see my therapist more often. That's easier said than done since my therapist was Kellen and thanks to Steve and Bill (who didn't give him a second chance) I can't see him anymore.

Bill decided to buy a microwave too big for our break room space so that he could have exclusive use of it in his office.

*not to be construed as Gossip