11/30/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/30/2016

Steve offered to be Bill's cuddle buddy. Bill decided Steve would be great to nap with.

Now Mary and Tim are making bets on each other.

Roger told me that his employment contract states that he doesn't have to talk to me or another certain group of people.

The Mohawk guys just moved up a notch on my list for bringing in Famous Dave's today.

Toni sure has some women fooled that he's an actual gentleman. I swear he would make a great actor.

Roger's pretty sure that Tim's at home trying to steal and patent his flooring idea.

Roger told Bill that he's not a black woman. Luckily Bill sees the doctor tomorrow and the doctor will need to confirm this.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/29/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/29/2016

Apparently Tim thinks that we should pay for his betting habits especially if it happens during working hours.

Bill told me that I could tell his wife to take a hike today. How medicated was he? You can't talk to women that way.....

Bill insisted to Roger that he needed a 3/4" crack in his door.

Toni's the youngest sales person here and he's losing it. All of a sudden he thinks that somebody killed his fish Henry when he was gone on vacation. His fish died on 4/22/2014 which was a few days after Easter and he was here and not on vacation. At any rate he's offering a reward for information on the person responsible for Henry's death.

I think Toni needs to rethink the reward money considering he's saving for a down payment on a home.

Roger tried his hand at the reward money but convicting Nathaniel wasn't sensible. The kids boogers would have been very nutritious for that fish.

Poor Tim didn't appreciate my comments about him in our Christmas invitation so he didn't come back to the office today.

Who the crap accidentally called John Jones and didn't leave a message? He called back trying to figure out who called him and I don't think that he liked my answer that I just didn't care.

Roger needs to practice his Jewish Ross skills because he's going to be our Holiday Armadillo this year. 

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/28/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/28/2016

We can't make fun of Bill anymore because apparently he might have some rare disease.

"I'm somebody's b*tch." Steve

Apparently you don't want to leave a toothbrush at Typhinee's home or she'll clean the bathroom with it.

Roger's pissed he didn't get turkey for Thanksgiving. He would like the world to know that Thanksgiving is turkey day and not Cornish game hen day.

Roger's a little on edge today and would like to remind everyone that there is air freshener in the bathroom for a reason so he would like you to use it please.

Is it really considered work when Toni got to see pictures of a million naked Asian chicks on Friday when he went on a little field trip?

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/23/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/23/2016

Either we got a new heating system today or somebody stole the one that we had but we did get a new thermostat (pretty exciting).

Toni told me that he was going to hang himself in our warehouse (obviously he can't take Roger anymore). I did tell him he needed to do it somewhere else for insurance reasons.

Tim sure didn't last long today. He was already asking about time off for the next holiday.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving everyone!

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/22/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/22/2016

Bill claims that he can do the Harold Walk. I really want to know who Harold is. I seriously think it's some trendy new star who apparently has a swagger like John Wayne.
 
I looked up Harold and this was all I came up with.

Bill couldn't come to work today because he was too busy "Harold walking". I'm pretty sure his doctors have all told him to stay off his feet.

Poor Toni's going to have nightmares tonight about stupid installers and Humpback Whales. I saw an article that mentioned there's been a Humpback Whale in the Hudson River lately. I guess Captain Sully shouldn't land his plane there this week.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/21/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/21/2016

Apparently I am Crystal's BFF or her only friend who knows anything about computers. This morning she asked me how to open a certain file on her computer. She then told me that it wasn't anything dirty. Then she asked if she could send the file to me and have me open it and send it back to her, I explained why that wasn't going to work. Then she proceeded to tell me about a psychic who called her about her dad (her dad has been dead for fifteen years.) She thinks the information in the file is from the psychic about her dad.

Bill has a cast on because he would like more sympathy around the office, he claims that he has Achilles tendinitis.

Steve claims that it's Jenny's fault that he's a slob because she cleans up after him.

Bill and Roger think that I'm a dude.

Speaking of dudes, Toni's secret admirer has some dude staying on his couch. 

Tim saw a picture of Bill's horrible looking feet today and he was not impressed. He stopped making fun of him after seeing that. 

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/18/2016

 The Daily Chatter*

11/18/2016

 
"It's like getting cocaine for Christmas. My dad was heavily into coke." Roger reminiscent of Christmas because of our new holiday hand soap in the bathroom

A vendor asked Toni for his email today to send him something and Toni told the gal that he doesn't use email or have a phone. He then asked for her to send it snail mail and I don't think she understood.

Michael said that Katherine was finally looking human (whatever that was supposed to mean). 

Michael couldn't resist petting my furry cape today. Usually Tim's the one who can't resist but he was off his game today. He was probably just looking forward to being out on a boat alone and cuddling with Toni tomorrow.

We had a baby day care today which ended up being more of a baby fight club. Katherine really got her legs into it and she tried choking Mali with her own necklace. To top it off Mary wasn't here to interfere. 

 
Toni was super stoked to put on a Broadway musical of "Frozen" for Steve's three year old daughter today. Somehow they even got around to building a fort, I really thought that was too manly of a thing for Toni to do but I think he got excited about decorating it.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/17/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/17/2016

Toni was upset the other day because somebody wanted to make stuffing for his Friendsgiving and he felt like that was his thing. Ryan mentioned today that stuffing is a very personal thing and he totally understands where Toni is coming from. In fact he mentioned that they are kindred spirits.

"My life is just a mess." Roger

I made the mistake of telling Toni that some woman had a guys name and I couldn't remember what it was so he started reciting all of his lovers names trying to make me remember.

Toni tried to reassure himself today by telling himself out loud that he was strong (while picking up a hardwood sample).

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/16/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/16/2016

Tim was sure demanding today. Don't worry I stood my ground and now I have a new enemy. He's not going to tell me what to do without buying me chocolate first.

I apparently do need to rethink this enemy thing because Tim was talking about taking all of us to Tahiti, he was feeling super rich. His wife must of let him have some money.

I'll be nice to Tim again if he books our trip tomorrow. If not, he's never going to get the paperwork that he wants.

Tim, a trip to virtual Tahiti doesn't count.

In weird news, China banned web searches for "Fatty Kim the Third" but thank goodness that doesn't apply to us.

In other weird news Twitter thought I should follow a dude named SuperBrownBum, TopShelfPremium and some panty hose company. I don't even do Twitter but it thinks I'm a slutty alcoholic. I swear Roger must be spreading lies about me to all of the people at Twitter or they know about all of my DUI's.

 *not to be construed as Gossip

11/15/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/15/2016

Bill told his wife today that he buys "Hustler" magazine just for science.

Roger found my husband at Starbucks last night with a bunch of women. 

"I think you underestimate my skills." Kellen to Bill    I'm pretty sure Bill doesn't really think about his sweet skills.

 Steve wanted to steal my job today.

"Here I am the boss instigating trouble." Bill to Steve

The picture below should intrigue Toni to want to watch this video, it's pretty clever.
https://www.facebook.com/viralthread/videos/599389896900364/

Somebody told me that I was perfect today. Obviously this person hasn't talked to Roger.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/14/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/14/2016

Bill threatened to fire Toni because he doesn't like to put celery in his homemade stuffing.

I think my marriage is over, my husband was receiving sexts from a drunk girl named Jennifer late on Friday night.

Tim claims that Toni started f%@#$ing with him first thing this morning. I swear that Toni's turned all of our guys gay.

Toni wanted me to pick the restaurant for Nikki's birthday dinner tonight so that he could blame everything on me if it wasn't good. I didn't want to fall into his trap so I told him to be a man and he started to cry.

Somebody told Mary that she was the only one left at the office....Typhinee and I were still there. Just because Toni leaves doesn't mean the rest of us don't count.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/11/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/11/2016

 Both Robert Vaughn (played in the original "Magnificent Seven") and Leonard Cohen (the singer song writer) just died.

Don't call Tim and tell him you're ready to jump to your death because of the election results. Apparently he'll tell you to jump especially if he's in the middle of going to dinner. 

Toni apparently has really fun lunches with his clients.

How did I get so lucky today? It must be a Veteran's Day Miracle. Usually Crystal calls on Fridays for all of the stupidest reasons.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/10/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/10/2016

Roger was in an accident today, he's ok but he would like special attention anyways. He thinks a distraught Democrat ran into him. If we need to take him to the ER for a concussion please remember the spray bottle of water and tell him he's going to Chuck E. Cheese, just a couple little things that I learned from "The Office".

On this day in 1969 "Sesame Street" first aired.

Toni offered his "services" today to a man via text for his really large gold gun.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/09/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/09/2016

Roger thinks Hilary might file for divorce today.

According to Mary, Donald had his tweeter account taken away from him. Bill also told her to keep drinking straight for the next four years. I'm going to remind him what he said when he complains about her horrible appearance for the next several years.

This is pretty sad when this was the top search for yesterday. "According to Google Trends, the fourth most searched question about Hillary Clinton in the last 24 hours is this: “Is Hillary Clinton Republican?”"

Toni didn't want Bill's pick me up today. Bill thought he picked up his daughter just fine so when Toni didn't want his services he was crushed.

Somebody stole this guys Kit Kat bar so Kit Kat decided to give him a whole car load of Kit Kat's. This guy really needs to start locking his doors or else his future wife will hate him someday.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/08/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/08/2016

Toni thinks we should have today off to be able to vote. Does he not realize that he can vote from home on a piece of paper and mail it in? 

Toni just figured out (with a lot of help from Bill and me) that Kirk Douglas is Michael Douglas' father and he's going to be 100 on December 9th.

"I tried to spell tile and I came up with tinkle." Bill   Bill wanted to sell wall tinkle which I thought was kind of odd.

Bill was freaking out today because Tim brought his lunch and he was putting ketchup on his steak. Tim claims that he only put ketchup on his potato but living in Enumclaw may have turned him into a redneck.

"My wife's a liar." Bill

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/07/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/07/2016

Ryan and I watched Roger's favorite movie over the weekend "Brigham Young".

Steve got to go to Oregon by himself. The other guy had obviously heard that Steve likes to cuddle with dudes when he's out of town.

Toni laughs at horrible things like raccoons getting sprayed in the face with a hose.

Toni was psychologically scarred at one of his old jobs. Bill told him he sounds like a millennial.

Can we hire Mary's crazy brother? We would need to have a lot more insurance if we hired him but I could write "The Chatter" within seconds of him stepping through the doorway.

"You made me nervous." Roger to Bill

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/04/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/04/2016

Happy Birthday Toni, my favorite never nude.

Toni's mother came in today and she must have thought fairies with never nude shorts were normal for her son.

I wonder what his mother thought when he gave her one of his new cards?

Somebody seems to be smitten by Toni and his birthday and it's not me (if you can imagine that). This person also wanted to make sure that I knew Toni was lactose intolerant this morning.

 Steve gets to sleep with some strange dude tonight all thanks to Tim.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/03/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/03/2016

 
Jenny and Steve's little girl stole all of our hearts last night, she was so adorable with that big smile of hers. Bill and Roxanne you now have to parade your child around here again to keep up with Steve and Jenny.

Marty came in and showed me a Halloween picture of him from twenty years ago and I didn't think it looked like him. He didn't look like a weasel so how was I to know it was him.

Toni's thinks his preferred clients are going to be women and gay men. Can we please change his intro page on the website?

Michael owes Steve big time.

I had a "I just blue myself" moment with Bill's printer today. Bill, if you find weird colors all over your desk you'll kind of know why.

 *not to be construed as Gossip

11/02/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/02/2016

Toni was shocked that I didn't mention sleeping with David Duchovny yesterday. Apparently he doesn't realize how many famous people that I've actually slept with and seriously who hasn't slept with David Duchovny, he's a sex addict.

According to Roger I am a stellar human being. My husband won't think so after reading the first line of the chatter.

I'm glad to hear that Bill still loves glitter.

*not to be construed as Gossip

11/01/2016

The Daily Chatter*

11/01/2016

Happy Birthday Matt!

We celebrated today with cake because Roger is 3,298 miles away from us and on Friday he will be 3,462 miles away from us so of course we're going to have cake again.

Bill and Steve went to lunch today without Toni. I told Toni that they probably thought visiting the new Twin Peaks restaurant was called for without him lagging along. 

Bill wants to play GB in a sitcom.

Apparently if anyone eats at Buffalo Wild Wings they have to text a picture of it to Toni just to tick him off, he hates that place.

Bill is hoping that Tim is out selling a very large job today since he didn't come in. Otherwise a Tony Robbins conference might be right around the corner for him.

*not to be construed as Gossip